I spend every day on the boards, nearly 24/7. First was going to go with N but, because I can't risk LE, going with SN. Have almost everything I need, waiting for one more thing.
I'm feeling very sad, very how in the hell can I really do this, very lonely. I have no one in my life so no one would even know that I am missing, let alone gone. Sad. When I come up again the SI, I ask myself what will you be missing, what will it be like if you stay...the answer is immediately and definitely - nothing is good, wouldn't miss anything. And immediately and definitely - life is too unbearable to continue on like this and stay, looking at more of this brings me to deep sadness and I got to get the hell out of here. There is nothing in my life. I am 60 years old, diabetes for 30 years, brain tumor, and I spend it completely alone (no family, no friends) except for conversations MAYBE with retail clerks. Two roommates I have are the meanest people I've ever met and they wouldn't know the first thing on how to talk to people. One has severe emotional, mental disabilities. I've tried to change, improve my life for 30 years and nothing has worked. I have no doubt on ctb - just scared that I won't be able to go through with it once I get to the hotel room due to SI. I know no one can do that for me, I'm just looking for support and how to deal with this loneliness while finalizing ctb. There is no one I can talk to about this and plus I would never talk to anyone irl about ctb, even if there was someone. I don't have a job, stopped the search once I decided this is it, cancelled interview this week. So 24/7, I am researching, ordering, throwing stuff out.
I'm so immersed with these thoughts, that it's taken me all day to try to select a digital scale, find a couple of 100 mL glasses, etc., and still haven't done it.
Thanks for reading and your support.
I'm feeling very sad, very how in the hell can I really do this, very lonely. I have no one in my life so no one would even know that I am missing, let alone gone. Sad. When I come up again the SI, I ask myself what will you be missing, what will it be like if you stay...the answer is immediately and definitely - nothing is good, wouldn't miss anything. And immediately and definitely - life is too unbearable to continue on like this and stay, looking at more of this brings me to deep sadness and I got to get the hell out of here. There is nothing in my life. I am 60 years old, diabetes for 30 years, brain tumor, and I spend it completely alone (no family, no friends) except for conversations MAYBE with retail clerks. Two roommates I have are the meanest people I've ever met and they wouldn't know the first thing on how to talk to people. One has severe emotional, mental disabilities. I've tried to change, improve my life for 30 years and nothing has worked. I have no doubt on ctb - just scared that I won't be able to go through with it once I get to the hotel room due to SI. I know no one can do that for me, I'm just looking for support and how to deal with this loneliness while finalizing ctb. There is no one I can talk to about this and plus I would never talk to anyone irl about ctb, even if there was someone. I don't have a job, stopped the search once I decided this is it, cancelled interview this week. So 24/7, I am researching, ordering, throwing stuff out.
I'm so immersed with these thoughts, that it's taken me all day to try to select a digital scale, find a couple of 100 mL glasses, etc., and still haven't done it.
Thanks for reading and your support.
