Story Small rant on romantic relationships and my toxic ex

[cme-dme]

I was in a romantic relationship about 4 years ago. It was an online only relationship with a girl who was incredibly toxic and the relationship only lasted 9 months. Despite this, the damage she did to me can still be seen in me today.

My ability to express myself is severely diminished. I can't say "I love you too" to my family. The words just don't come out anymore. It has led to many awkward situations and intense guilt from my inability to express myself.
When me and her broke up, she shared secrets about me with a guy she was interested in. This has led to me developing intense trust issues and becoming unwilling to open up about myself to others.
I was forced to distance myself from many of my close friends. This was probably the catalyst that has led to me becoming so incredibly socially isolated.

What's the point of me writing this? I see online remarks about how you shouldn't kill yourself or be depressed over a girl. I have long since moved on from this relationship but there is still so much long lasting damage from it with no fix in sight. So yes, to some extent I want to kill myself over a girl. If I ever kill myself, she is going in my note. That's all :)

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Your feelings are more than valid. Sometimes people tell me "She's just a girl, she's not worth all that pain" and I reply, well, how much is a bullet worth and how much damage can it cause? You opened your heart to someone, you trusted in them, that's why it hurts so much: I wouldn't care if a distant relative or a guy at the racetrack said something hurtful to me, fuck them, but someone who has seen my heart and soul and my naked body and my scars and knows my traumas and dreams? That can kill you, that can leave serious lasting damage. Good for them if they are immune to this sort of damage or if they've had so many partners that they no longer care, but that's not the case for all of us.

I can't see cats, for example, or think of them as something sweet because that was our pet name: she was my michi and I was her michi and there's a very good reason why I chose that word for my username in this forum.

 

[cme-dme]

Your feelings are more than valid. Sometimes people tell me "She's just a girl, she's not worth all that pain" and I reply, well, how much is a bullet worth and how much damage can it cause? You opened your heart to someone, you trusted in them, that's why it hurts so much: I wouldn't care if a distant relative or a guy at the racetrack said something hurtful to me, fuck them, but someone who has seen my heart and soul and my naked body and my scars and knows my traumas and dreams? That can kill you, that can leave serious lasting damage. Good for them if they are immune to this sort of damage or if they've had so many partners that they no longer care, but that's not the case for all of us.

I can't see cats, for example, or think of them as something sweet because that was our pet name: she was my michi and I was her michi and there's a very good reason why I chose that word for my username in this forum.

Exactly this. I was the most vulnerable I had ever been in that relationship and she stabbed me in the heart. I was too gullible to know that this was not okay at the time. She did me a favor by breaking up with me.
Everybody talks about the period after breaking up where you are still thinking of that person regularly and not the period months or years later when that deep rooted, intense emotional damage really becomes apparent. Really the period shortly after breaking up was the easiest part to handle emotionally.

 

[ihatemyselfsomuch]

Never show vulnerability to a woman because they will only use it against you. This is a rule to live by. Women are not your friend and never will be.

I would try to consider what happened to you as a lesson in having relationships with women, so in a way you did take something positive from the whole ordeal. You will not repeat the same mistakes you made with that girl ever again.

You are lucky that it was an online thing so the damage is relatively limited. She likely got over you in a day or two btw (if that)... so you really need to find it within yourself to put this whole thing behind you and stop letting it affect you so much. I know it's hard but you can do it, this is a problem with yourself that you must and can fix!

 

[cme-dme]

Never show vulnerability to a woman because they will only use it against you. This is a rule to live by. Women are not your friend and never will be.

I would try to consider what happened to you as a lesson in having relationships with women, so in a way you did take something positive from the whole ordeal. You will not repeat the same mistakes you made with that girl ever again.

You are lucky that it was an online thing so the damage is relatively limited. She likely got over you in a day or two btw (if that)... so you really need to find it within yourself to put this whole thing behind you and stop letting it affect you so much. I know it's hard but you can do it, this is a problem with yourself that you must and can fix!

This is very incel-coded advice not gonna lie. These days I have friends I am close with (but not romantically) and have much healthier interactions and boundaries with, both men and women that have been going strong for years. I don't plan to get in another romantic relationship any time soon. Having a couple close friends is much better anyways. Keeps the loneliness at bay without all the scary implications of a romantic relationship. Everybody wins.

 

[Dot]

Never show vulnerability to a woman because they will only use it against you. This is a rule to live by. Women are not your friend and never will be.

I would try to consider what happened to you as a lesson in having relationships with women, so in a way you did take something positive from the whole ordeal. You will not repeat the same mistakes you made with that girl ever again.

You are lucky that it was an online thing so the damage is relatively limited. She likely got over you in a day or two btw (if that)... so you really need to find it within yourself to put this whole thing behind you and stop letting it affect you so much. I know it's hard but you can do it, this is a problem with yourself that you must and can fix!

Am srry fr neg8tve xpernces tht u hve hd wth womn bt if u tlk 2 womn u wll undrstnd tht mny womn hve suffrd th/ sme xpernces frm men also

= nt a gendr-basd issu. Certn mn & womn hurt othr mn & womn & sdly wll alwys b tht wy