Sister’s anxiety is contagious

[Red]

My wedding is coming up, less than 2 and a half weeks away now, and I'm feeling pretty chill about the whole thing; it's small, relaxed and most of the planning is out of the way and sorted.

However my younger sister, who has terrible anxiety, is freaking out about it and it's starting to worry me. I have taken every measure to soothe her, making sure she's not placed near anyone she doesn't know, isn't making any speeches or anything like that; it's a tiny gathering of 20 people (including the groom and myself) and there are plenty of places to retreat to should she get overwhelmed. I've offered her access to my hotel room if she gets overwhelmed, she's not even staying the whole day and that's okay, I just want her to be there for the important bits and above all, to be happy and comfortable.

I don't expect a perfect day and am feeling very easy about everything but her panic is starting to feel contagious- I just want her to be calm and comfortable but she's working herself up before she even gets there, which I think will be more of a problem than anything else. I'm trying to be soothing and comforting, even saying that I'll love her no matter what, that I'm happy to be a buffer between her and other guests, all of which are pretty calm and introverted anyway…

Trying not to let her panic affect me while soothing her at the same time. I'm glad that she feels that she can talk to me about it but she seems so insistent in going on about it constantly and it's sparking a fire inside me that I'm worried is going to be further fed by any little wobble she has, both on the day and the time leading up to it.

What can I do to help her calm down?? I feel like I've done all I can to make sure she doesn't feel pressured and does feel safe, even having several measures in place for her to escape when she needs to… I don't want to tell her that her stress is starting to transfer to me but at the same time I wish she'd get a handle on it and try to think of how all this worry might affect me coming up to the day - it sounds terribly selfish to say it out loud but when I've put in so much effort to work around her and she's still freaking out I just don't know what to do to make it okay!

I'm scared she'll wind me up to the point where I'm not able to enjoy it for fear of her flipping out - I mean if she's still going on like this right up until the day I don't think I'll be able to keep it cool, I'll have to give that last reassurance, apologise, then probably switch my phone off on the day to get into a proper headspace and not allow it to get to me, yet I'll be worrying the whole time that she's scared and/or uncomfortable.

I don't know what else to say/do to help her calm down about the whole thing - any ideas? I know there are people here who suffer from the same degree of social anxiety - what would you need to hear in her position in order to be okay and stop freaking me out too??

Any serious input is welcome!

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Honestly? You've already done enough, you aren't a professional and it's not like you've been putting additional stresses on her by being inconsiderate. You've done your best, and she needs professional help. She's having irrational thoughts and behaving irrationally as a result.

You can try doing some CBT techniques with her but i feel like you are going to feel worse if you put that responsiblity on yourself. She needs a professional to get the most benefits from that. Basically, in CBT for anxiety, you would have her identify what is an irrational thought (e.g. does she overexaggerate? is she imagining ridiculous catasrophies?) and have her come up with alternatives and coping mechanisms. The key is to poke holes in her ideas of things while also making sure that she is coming to the conclusions herself. Sometimes that doesn't happen, so you have to agree that the worse will happen, and help her come up with a way to prepare for that.

For example, if she is worried she will be seated next to someone she doesn't know, you can suggest that maybe everyone there will be a complete stranger who hates her guts. She can either sit alone and be sad, or try making small talk with people who will look down on her the whole time. How will each scenario feel? What is an exact script for her to say, so that she feels more prepared? She might say that if this happens, she will feel bad, like a loser, like she's ruining your wedding, etc. In this point you'd work on her acceptance skills and self-esteem. ACT techniques can really help here.

I have really bad SA and have put my family in these situations a few times. They wouldn't have been able to say anything to get to me. The fear is fundamentally irrational. It makes the sufferer feel bad, and they behave in strange ways to accommodate their fear. As a result, others will treat them strangely too, and affirm the sufferer's distorted thoughts.

Let her know that you are doing your best to make her comfortable. Depending on how sensitive she is, for your own sanity, maybe confess that she is starting to wear you out and to give you a break sometimes. Encourage her to think of happier scenarios or maybe even not even bring up the topic at all with you.

If she has an anxiety problem that exists outside of this one event (which tends to be extremely stressful even to a sane and normal person) then you need to understand that she has a mental illness and i's not going to turn itself off for your wedding. This has probably rubbed off in other areas of her life already. So encourage her to get professional help asap. She can even talk to someone on betterhelp or whatever, it can be really helpful for some people to have an unbiased person to talk to before a big event.

 

[timf]

What can I do to help her calm down??

Anxiety is an interesting phenomena. It is an emotional state that is usually held in check by intellectual processing. For example, if you are planning an event like a wedding with many elements that could go wrong, a mental check list usually assures one that everything has been taken care of. If something unforeseen happens (like the chapel being destroyed by a tornado), contingency planning like alternatives or postponement also come into play.

If your sister has anxiety, you might ask her to describe the basis for her concern. In this you help her use her intellectual side to come to her rescue to keep her anxiety in check. If she has deeper concerns such as your marriage affecting her relationship with you, your solicitous interest in helping her deal with her anxieties can also help reassure at a deeper level.

There is also a tactic of asking her for her help with a particular (but not necessary) task to help keep her busy.

 

[Red]

Honestly? You've already done enough, you aren't a professional and it's not like you've been putting additional stresses on her by being inconsiderate. You've done your best, and she needs professional help. She's having irrational thoughts and behaving irrationally as a result.

You can try doing some CBT techniques with her but i feel like you are going to feel worse if you put that responsiblity on yourself. She needs a professional to get the most benefits from that. Basically, in CBT for anxiety, you would have her identify what is an irrational thought (e.g. does she overexaggerate? is she imagining ridiculous catasrophies?) and have her come up with alternatives and coping mechanisms. The key is to poke holes in her ideas of things while also making sure that she is coming to the conclusions herself. Sometimes that doesn't happen, so you have to agree that the worse will happen, and help her come up with a way to prepare for that.

For example, if she is worried she will be seated next to someone she doesn't know, you can suggest that maybe everyone there will be a complete stranger who hates her guts. She can either sit alone and be sad, or try making small talk with people who will look down on her the whole time. How will each scenario feel? What is an exact script for her to say, so that she feels more prepared? She might say that if this happens, she will feel bad, like a loser, like she's ruining your wedding, etc. In this point you'd work on her acceptance skills and self-esteem. ACT techniques can really help here.

I have really bad SA and have put my family in these situations a few times. They wouldn't have been able to say anything to get to me. The fear is fundamentally irrational. It makes the sufferer feel bad, and they behave in strange ways to accommodate their fear. As a result, others will treat them strangely too, and affirm the sufferer's distorted thoughts.

Let her know that you are doing your best to make her comfortable. Depending on how sensitive she is, for your own sanity, maybe confess that she is starting to wear you out and to give you a break sometimes. Encourage her to think of happier scenarios or maybe even not even bring up the topic at all with you.

If she has an anxiety problem that exists outside of this one event (which tends to be extremely stressful even to a sane and normal person) then you need to understand that she has a mental illness and i's not going to turn itself off for your wedding. This has probably rubbed off in other areas of her life already. So encourage her to get professional help asap. She can even talk to someone on betterhelp or whatever, it can be really helpful for some people to have an unbiased person to talk to before a big event.

Aw that's kind to say, thank you!

Yes some of the points you say there do kind of ring true… she's getting better but it can be slow sometimes! I feel for her as it can't be nice to deal with, I'm just worried she's working herself up to it instead of waiting to see what the situation is first lol

That all sounds like very sound advice, thank you so much for your reply!

What can I do to help her calm down??

Anxiety is an interesting phenomena. It is an emotional state that is usually held in check by intellectual processing. For example, if you are planning an event like a wedding with many elements that could go wrong, a mental check list usually assures one that everything has been taken care of. If something unforeseen happens (like the chapel being destroyed by a tornado), contingency planning like alternatives or postponement also come into play.

If your sister has anxiety, you might ask her to describe the basis for her concern. In this you help her use her intellectual side to come to her rescue to keep her anxiety in check. If she has deeper concerns such as your marriage affecting her relationship with you, your solicitous interest in helping her deal with her anxieties can also help reassure at a deeper level.

There is also a tactic of asking her for her help with a particular (but not necessary) task to help keep her busy.

Also excellent advice! Maybe a small task will keep her mind off things enough to forget her anxiety a little? She's already looking after my elderly gran for the day so am worried to pile anything else on top of her…

You guys are great, I've some new ideas of what to say and go through with her thanks to your thoughtful word, thank you both so much!

 

[Callie Arcale]

Congrats on your wedding. I wish you a happy life full of love with your partner

Not sure if this helps in any way, since anxiety is such a complex issue. But here's my two cents.

Sit down with your sister and brainstorm potential situation and solutions for your wedding. You can make a table with three columns:

1. Situation (something that can trigger her anxiety)

2. Feelings & thoughts (your sister describes what she thinks she will feel, think)

3. Possible solution (what can your sister can do)

This structured exercise can help you both visualize her anxiety and maybe even make her a little less afraid.

Good luck & all the best! Hope you have a wonderful day!

 

[Red]

Congrats on your wedding. I wish you a happy life full of love with your partner

Not sure if this helps in any way, since anxiety is such a complex issue. But here's my two cents.

Sit down with your sister and brainstorm potential situation and solutions for your wedding. You can make a table with three columns:

1. Situation (something that can trigger her anxiety)

2. Feelings & thoughts (your sister describes what she thinks she will feel, think)

3. Possible solution (what can your sister can do)

This structured exercise can help you both visualize her anxiety and maybe even make her a little less afraid.

Good luck & all the best! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Thank you!

 

[Kattt]

On some of the numerous in-patient stays, I noticed much of the behaviour appears to be contagious.
In reality, I think it distorts your sense of boundaries and what is, or isn't acceptable