Sin of Wasted Life

[porfin1234]

I have to admit I feel some shame being here and even considering CTB (which I'm afraid of not being able to do anyway but really no longer want to live after sabotaging life I could've had).
I must confess... I've been blessed and lucky with good family, education, good partners in the past, amazing home, good job (even if I sucked at it for the most part but somehow got away with it) good salary, good friends, and somehow the kind of luck I've gotten everything I've wanted (which can be bad too).
Yet for some reason never lived to my potential. Most of my life I shut down and did not pursue my passions and interests and was so obsessed with dying because I knew I was wasting away. I wanted to be like other people yet somehow didn't try to pursue dreams etc and slept all the time. I never felt good enough. Obsessed over feeling wanted and loved. Lashing out at people that got close to me Then last year I finally started being super active pursuing every hobby I've dreamed of and flourishing as a dancer. Saved 7k. Becoming spiritual etc etc (although still had feelings of inadequacy and suicidal ideation over some guy I got involved with or just because that's how my mind works).
But I guess because I always felt I never deserved gifts I got I finally sabotaged it all. Not doing my new jobs, hospital and ambulance bills, drunk in public on record, etc. Friendships, job, home, dance and travel opportunities, finances, basically gone. I always felt I was evil. Because of my extreme moods and how I would take them out on others. And because deep down I knew my moods and thoughts made no sense and it was extremely frustrating going between sanity and insanity.

Not sure why I'm sharing. I'm just legitimately afraid of repercussions of what I've done with my life. Andeven after obsessing over dying most of my life, when I most want to, I'm facing the reality of how hard it would be to actually do it.

I feel trapped. Lost. And confused. Still getting SN things and picturing self drinking it but I'm so scared I really won't be able to do it and I feel I'm going to end up with nothing in the end and know what real suffering is. I am only 33. I don't want to live for 40 years in ruins. I want out.

I keep obsessing over how great I was doing last year yet someone pointed out I was still having suicidal ideation and how low my standards must be for "great".
Well shit. If my most high in my life is that bad when I had it all, what's the damn point.


Thank you for reading

 

[Brick In The Wall]

You sound like you're dealing with alot all at once. I'm sorry you're so conflicted on what to do and where to go next. I'm not going to fill you with platitudes. But I will say that I'm always here for you anytime you need to talk.

 

[heheb27595]

Look likes BPD. try this

 

[Flippy]

I was going to ask, have you been diagnosed with any illness. If you haven't from reading your post you might have been suffering from depression at the very least. If it's gone untreated for a long time I can see how it could effect your actions, eg drinking, could be a form of self medication. Sorry if what I have said is redundant, and you have been diagnosed. I'm sorry you are feeling so down :-(

 

[porfin1234]

Nailed it. I'm the poster child for BPD. I am convinced if I had not gotten involved with someone extremely triggering for me I would've finally been able to conquer it and stay my course. You can't think logically with extreme emotions and I've never had such a painful experience with someone. I was having delusions over our future and basically was trying to become him (thinking we had so much in common when he once said we are so different) that I made decisions from that place. Hilarious part is I got involved with this polyamorous man with his logic of "it's a good way to work on jealousy and fairy tale delusions of love". No shit. Falling in love is a crock of shit. Good job in teaching me that lesson. And to think I gave him my best self (although I still had a lot of anger and jealous which he "worked with" and we had so much drama).
Now he's living his best hippie life traveling the world while I sabotaged mine. Hah.
Anyway Not his fault but mine.
Plus after the way I treated my doting ex fiancé of 5 years... I think I've wanted to suffer the last two getting involved with emotionally unavailable men. Because I was shit to a good man.

 

[Ghost2211]

I am right there with you. It really sucks when we destroy our own potential, and even better when people blame us for it like it's what we wanted. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. I know all too well what it's like to look back at a sunny past and look ahead to an apocalypse.

is there any sliver of potential to pick up the pieces, and build a better future from the foundation you have?

 

[porfin1234]

I'm a teacher and currently work at a school with really rough kids. Although I can't blame them I have not been doing my job properly.. I've been so convinced I will be killing myself soon anyway and have tarnished my reputation as a teacher (my old boss said I was incredible last year and grew so much after being on an improvement plan). I don't see myself being able to continue teaching, bye career, bye financial stability, then I don't think life is worth living.

I've been told to change careers. That I'm young. I'm sure I'd need to go back to school for that I'm already in 30k debt for masters I haven't finished (have one class and exam left).No clue what I could do that would help me live life I want and I feel that's impossible at this point. I have no idea what else I would do besides translate and I feel my Spanish is not good enough anyway. I just feel like a pretty inept person. This sounds horrible but only thing I feel confident in my life is my ability to dance / perform, have fun, and give pleasure lol. Great. Move to Japan and become a Geisha?

 

[Flippy]

It's a catch 22 when you feel the urge to ctb for a long while. It makes things that seemed important seem pointless, so it destroys motivation which leads to feeling worse and then it goes round again. Is there a chance you could become a professional dancer? Maybe do some freelance translation on the side? I've known people who did the translation gig, and their experiences was a mixed bag. But I have known someone who did dance and modelling it seemed to make them happy.

 

[porfin1234]

I don't know, without my teaching career I won't have benefits, retirement, insurance etc.
At this point I can't trust myself to make any sort of decision. I uprooted my entire life after going to a city maybe 3 times that had good parties and cool art. I am truly afraid of myself. But hey maybe it means I can do something as drastic as CTB. That's the hope I have left.

 

[BipolarExpat]

This sounds horrible but only thing I feel confident in my life is my ability to dance / perform, have fun, and give pleasure lol.

That does not sound horrible at all. You do realize you placed 4 very powerful words into one sentence, right? Confident, ability, fun & pleasure.

I get that the teaching gig offers a type of security that the entertainment industry cannot,.....well, it can - but the odds are long.

Any way you can look into professional dancing/performances on the side? Weekends, evenings, summers? It seems like you've had a taste of your passion. It'd be a shame to not dive in at least once.

EDIT: Sorry, I just saw the exchange above mine. Should've read entire thread before commenting.

Still, if dance really drives you and brings you joy, look into increasing that in some way, for yourself.

 

[porfin1234]

My plan was to pursue dance more seriously on the side by performing and taking classes etc. Traveling and going to dance congresses. I could perform where I live but I don't want to be around anymore because of career / financial situation.

Plus looking back at how crazy I've been, my weird behaviors when it comes to people, even destroying things and pictures of people that care for me because for some reason I could never accept it as reality...Delusions over people I barely know... delusional about life itself... tired of living in fantasy world and I definitely do not belong here.

 

[NoEasyWayOut]

My plan was to pursue dance more seriously on the side by performing and taking classes etc. Traveling and going to dance congresses. I could perform where I live but I don't want to be around anymore because of career / financial situation.

Plus looking back at how crazy I've been, my weird behaviors when it comes to people, even destroying things and pictures of people that care for me because for some reason I could never accept it as reality...Delusions over people I barely know... delusional about life itself... tired of living in fantasy world and I definitely do not belong here.

I can relate on all your feelings, it's like I could have written any of your posts in this thread, especially the first one. I've been treated genuinely good by life (with ups and downs as anybody) but my mind and soul just seem to be unable to enjoy the little things people use to enjoy. I feel better living in a fantasy, even if I know it's not realistic or feasible, so I always end up in this deep dark hole where the only exit I find is CTB'ing... (even attempted once some years ago and got some SN not long ago).. I guess we are extreme perfectionists and put too much pressure on ourselves, but I can't see the way to change this mindset. You seem to obsess about a life change as well, even mentioned a recovery a year ago and some spirituality.. been there too! It felt so relieving and hope invaded every aspect of life... And yet, don't you feel like it all makes no sense in the end? Nihilism always finds a way.. I have no diagnosis, but something between bipolar and BPD somehow fits me I guess (I'm too sceptical about how psychiatry and the DSM work)
Ironically enough, I've been thinking to shift my career and become a teacher, where you'd like to get out of... Probably for the wrong reason (stability and other benefits), but I don't think I'd like it that much.
We could chat a bit if you'd feel like it.

 

[porfin1234]

Even when I tried in class all I got was chaos. It took every ounce of my being to not scream and yell or just walk out that door.

Ive always been horrible at managing kids it just always feels wrong and I'm apparently too nice and then get mean.

It's sad. I finally have enjoyed life but I only see death as the way. Because I refuse to live a life in debt and minimum wage and lost career.

It's only a matter of time.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Sorry you are going through all this. It sounds very like BPD from what I know. Have you tried to deal with it in the past? Was there anything that worked? I hate to suggest professional help but it is an option for some. It sounds like if you can find a way of coping with it then that would be a good foundation to start.
I know what you mean though. I wasted my life. Now I have nothing, no job no car no future. It does not inspire hope.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@porfin1234, I'm just gonna throw some thoughts and observations out here for you to do with as you choose -- accept, work with, discard, violently destroy...

Nailed it. I'm the poster child for BPD. I am convinced if I had not gotten involved with someone extremely triggering for me I would've finally been able to conquer it and stay my course. You can't think logically with extreme emotions and I've never had such a painful experience with someone.

You mentioned in the BPD thread you had made a lot of progress with skills for managing and overcoming BPD. I'd like to gently suggest that setbacks happen in life and in any kind of recovery. You may lose a little ground but not all of it. You have more skills than you did before for coping with the fallout from the relationship. Fallouts happen in life, before, during, and after recovery.

You mentioned you got some benefit from DBT. I recall that it addresses catastrophizing and all-or-none thinking, such as what you wrote in the OP about having it all and now fearing losing it all.

Please note I'm not standing on something and pointing down at you, I approach you as an equal. I appreciate when my peers remind me of things I already know and can use to be in my power rather than overpowered. To me that's a good friend who does so, reminding me of my intelligence, capability, and power.

Plus after the way I treated my doting ex fiancé of 5 years... I think I've wanted to suffer the last two getting involved with emotionally unavailable men. Because I was shit to a good man.

A different perspective... It's hard to heal in a place of condemnation. We humans are always going to make errors. Wise people learn from their errors and strive to do better going forward, even if that happens incrementally rather than a 100% shift. You can beat yourself up and seek abuse, sure, but then you're staying in the mistake rather than moving forward from it. It is done. Yesterday is dead, and thank goodness! You don't have to be on death row for it, you don't have to be in shackles.

The title of the thread and a subject in the OP is about the "sin" of not meeting your potential. I observe there is a mindset of condemnation, and it seems to me to create a hell on Earth for you. Perhaps that is a root cause that, if you addressed it creatively, could lose its power to the degree that these other issues, no longer in the realm of hell, would transform into something manageable, even become catalysts, or doors opening to what you desire, rather than doors slamming against it. Perhaps even some sensitivity is a reaction to a perception of hell.

Just my thoughts, judgment-free, with intentions of support but no expectations or demands you accept it.

 

[porfin1234]

@GoodPersonEffed

Thank you for your well written and thoughtful response.
Again, I wish I had started posting here much sooner because everyone here has been so helpful and supportive. I think it would've helped set me straight when I was suicidal over well, nothing practically. And saved me thousands on psychiatrists and therapists hah

Anyway, I've actually put myself in a situation that honestly I don't see out of (or at least I will end up worse off even after things calm down anyway and can't live the life I wanted). I've gone so extremely off course... from everything that was helping me, finally doing well at my job and had amazing home, taking care of finances, being a decent human and adult, but now
I'm basically at the end of my career, added thousands and thousands of dollars to my debt for stupidly putting myself in the hospital several times in a couple of months, will be crippled financially etc. Paying almost 2k because I have a lease in two places (long story).
Now I don't want anything that reminds me of the things that helped me heal because I want to be able to finally go through with CTB and honestly it pains me to remember who I was and what helped me so much that I so quickly thoughtlessly threw away by deciding to quit my job and move homes. It was the most impulsive and self destructive act on a bigger scale (mostly because I just didn't handle the change well). I'm afraid of myself for being capable of one week saying I'm in my dream home to the next quitting my job and moving. No wonder I'm horrible as a teacher and relationships. The inconsistencies of what I want, values, and my personality are staggering.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@GoodPersonEffed

Thank you for your well written and thoughtful response.
Again, I wish I had started posting here much sooner because everyone here has been so helpful and supportive. I think it would've helped set me straight when I was suicidal over well, nothing practically. And saved me thousands on psychiatrists and therapists hah

Anyway, I've actually put myself in a situation that honestly I don't see out of (or at least I will end up worse off even after things calm down anyway and can't live the life I wanted). I've gone so extremely off course... from everything that was helping me, finally doing well at my job and had amazing home, taking care of finances, being a decent human and adult, but now
I'm basically at the end of my career, added thousands and thousands of dollars to my debt for stupidly putting myself in the hospital several times in a couple of months, will be crippled financially etc. Paying almost 2k because I have a lease in two places (long story).
Now I don't want anything that reminds me of the things that helped me heal because I want to be able to finally go through with CTB and honestly it pains me to remember who I was and what helped me so much that I so quickly thoughtlessly threw away by deciding to quit my job and move homes. It was the most impulsive and self destructive act on a bigger scale (mostly because I just didn't handle the change well). I'm afraid of myself for being capable of one week saying I'm in my dream home to the next quitting my job and moving. No wonder I'm horrible as a teacher and relationships. The inconsistencies of what I want, values, and my personality are staggering.

Thank you for replying. I've heard you and I understand all of it.

I still support you, now in the choice that you've determined is the best for you.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I don't think you're as laser-focused as you say. It seems to me those inconsistencies are more important than you want them to be.

The feeling I get is not that you're completely committed to ctb but that you want to be completely committed. That's a very big and very important difference.

Your posts seem to be full of justifications rather than simple explanations.

I'm probably being a bit harsh, but I think this is important.

One of my dear friends has imploded her life several times and is the happiest of our bunch. She now works in TV and movies and is starting to film her own projects. She dropped out of law school about 20 years ago, has done everything from catering services to flat-out cashier jobs just to be able to be free of a 9 to 5 and is on the run from her student loans. She's happier than I've ever seen her. The lesson I take from her? That for some people, life is a great adventure filled with twists and turns, and they love it that way. Maybe you are one of those people.

I've also learned over the years (yeah, I'm old) that not everybody gets satisfaction from their jobs. Maybe you're not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe you just need a work hustle enough to pay the bills and then have the rest of your day to do whatever you want.

Life is way too short - even if you don't force the ending - to spend your life miserable. If you're thinking about ending it, why not have some fun before you go? Do whatever the hell you want, forget about finding a life partner, and just have fun. Dance 'til your feet fall off. Stay out late. Buy your SN and keep it close but don't let it define the time you have left. What have you got to lose?

 

[Ithinkimdone]

I feel like you are speaking right out of my head, you are the first person on this forum that I have been able to completely relate to I have. Exactly the same boat it is terrifying.

 

[porfin1234]

I had originally written a long response to @UpandDownPrincess but it was just the same negativity that I imagine everyone else including myself is sick of. So I'll just say thank you for your post and insight.