Venting Simultaneously dreading to see another day and living in fear of that "this is it" moment

[asdfandqwerty]

By a "this is it" moment, I mean that time when you'll be making the arrangements to CTB - and the realization that "this will be the end of everything you know" settling in that comes with it.
I despise waking up to the same reality every day and I'm already making plans to (hopefully) peacefully exit, but at the same time, I live somewhat in fear of coming to realistic terms with that.
Maybe I still have some mental preparation to do, or maybe I'm foolish. I find immense comfort in the thought of ending it all, but some part of me cannot let it go, which I hate (though thankfully, I think that feeling is getting weaker as time goes on). Is this SI?
Regardless, this fear surfaces most often in moments when I feel most uptight, so maybe that's somehow related to it. It's not enough to stop me in the long run, but it is something I face on the daily, so I just wanted to put it into words I guess.

 

[Famous Last Words]

What you're describing is that place where you're torn between life and death, in suicidal limbo. It's absolute torture because you can't really live but dying is so hard. Even Shakespeare wrote about the mental anguish of being in this position - "to be or not to be..." in Hamlet. Hamlet essentially says that it would be better to die, to sleep forever, but then he starts thinking about what comes next and would that be even worse?

I envy those who don't overthink it, I tried to drink SN and I was mentally prepared and happy with my decision but I couldn't physically do it. I mean, I'm physically capable but it was like something was preventing me from lifting up the glass and just getting on with it. I'm hoping a severe future case of PMT will help as I'm always 100x more suicidal than normal just before my period, espeically if I lose track of the dates and it catches me off-guard. This is my secret weapon to overcome SI, I think.

 

[SpaceCadet]

What you're describing is that place where you're torn between life and death, in suicidal limbo. It's absolute torture because you can't really live but dying is so hard. Even Shakespeare wrote about the mental anguish of being in this position - "to be or not to be..." in Hamlet. Hamlet essentially says that it would be better to die, to sleep forever, but then he starts thinking about what comes next and would that be even worse?

I envy those who don't overthink it, I tried to drink SN and I was mentally prepared and happy with my decision but I couldn't physically do it. I mean, I'm physically capable but it was like something was preventing me from lifting up the glass and just getting on with it. I'm hoping a severe future case of PMT will help as I'm always 100x more suicidal than normal just before my period, espeically if I lose track of the dates and it catches me off-guard. This is my secret weapon to overcome SI, I think.

I feel you, i tried to drink it too in the past but the SI was bigger, bought the Sn two years ago, it's great having a realiable method stashed. I guess we have to reach that breaking point, when dying sort of become the only way. Btw the SI can be good, because we live only once, so we have to be really sure we want to ctb.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

I feel you, i tried to drink it too in the past but the SI was bigger, bought the Sn two years ago, it's great having a realiable method stashed. I guess we have to reach that breaking point, when dying sort of become the only way. Btw the SI can be good, because we live only once, so we have to be really sure we want to ctb.

I find the fact that we live only once to be even worse... 1 life, and it has to be this.
I hate SI. Free will is a joke. One thing that helps me with it, though, is remembering that we are mortal regardless, so we will have to face death sooner or later. It may as well be now.

 

[BRuss]

I find the fact that we live only once to be even worse... 1 life, and it has to be this..

Do i have some bad news for you

 

[VoidDesirer22]

One thing that helps me with it, though, is remembering that we are mortal regardless, so we will have to face death sooner or later. It may as well be now.

This is how I think I'll push through it. I don't need to face the uncertainty of even greater suffering. Better people have had worse befall them out of the blue. No fking thanks.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

Do i have some bad news for you

...I don't really understand what's being said here

 

[BRuss]

...I don't really understand what's being said here

If the universe is finite in space and infinite in duration, then it is possibly subject to a phenomenon called Poincaré recurrence. If you fill a glass box up with colored particles and observe them long enough, they will eventually return to their original configuration.

There are other possibilities for eternal return not dependent upon the universe being closed and bounded in empty space - if the universe is open and infinite, then it follows that eventually a universe identical to this one will exist as a product of quantum fluctuations. There are all manner of possibilities, and indeed some evidence that the universe is cyclical (Roger Penrose has discovered the remnants of black holes older than the observable umiverse).

The real kicker is the possibility of what is called eternal return of the different - it is possible, given a genuinely infinite cyclical universe, that every possible version of yourself will live out every possible outcome of your existence endlessly. A return not just of the same, but of everything.

 

[Lost Magic]

I really don't want to see another full year of this loneliness, mental illness and a feeling of dread. The world is a cesspool and the rich who govern things make it many times worse. I do want to die but I have some unfinished business to do first and I want to do it at the right time. When I have made my peace with it all, I think I will be ready to book my ticket and get on that bus.

 

[asdfandqwerty]

If the universe is finite in space and infinite in duration, then it is possibly subject to a phenomenon called Poincaré recurrence. If you fill a glass box up with colored particles and observe them long enough, they will eventually return to their original configuration.

There are other possibilities for eternal return not dependent upon the universe being closed and bounded in empty space - if the universe is open and infinite, then it follows that eventually a universe identical to this one will exist as a product of quantum fluctuations. There are all manner of possibilities, and indeed some evidence that the universe is cyclical (Roger Penrose has discovered the remnants of black holes older than the observable umiverse).

The real kicker is the possibility of what is called eternal return of the different - it is possible, given a genuinely infinite cyclical universe, that every possible version of yourself will live out every possible outcome of your existence endlessly. A return not just of the same, but of everything.

Um, ok... so should I take this as you believing in reincarnation?

I really don't want to see another full year of this loneliness, mental illness and a feeling of dread. The world is a cesspool and the rich who govern things make it many times worse. I do want to die but I have some unfinished business to do first and I want to do it at the right time. When I have made my peace with it all, I think I will be ready to book my ticket and get on that bus.

I feel the very same. I'm waiting for that right moment. Humanity is trash.

 

[BRuss]

Um, ok... so should I take this as you believing in reincarnation?

I feel the very same. I'm waiting for that right moment. Humanity is trash.

It depends on how exact you want to be with your terminology. In the loosest possible sense, yes. But it isn't reincarnation in any sort of spiritual sense. I don't think you'll come back as a mountain goat or a jellyfish in an alien ocean depending on your karma (hardcore Buddhists don't even believe that you will return as a consequence of karma as Western pop philosophy understands that term). It's literally "on a long enough timescale, everything repeats". To this you can even add , "if things repeat enough times, eventually they will repeat differently."

 

[hopelessgirl]

By a "this is it" moment, I mean that time when you'll be making the arrangements to CTB - and the realization that "this will be the end of everything you know" settling in that comes with it.
I despise waking up to the same reality every day and I'm already making plans to (hopefully) peacefully exit, but at the same time, I live somewhat in fear of coming to realistic terms with that.
Maybe I still have some mental preparation to do, or maybe I'm foolish. I find immense comfort in the thought of ending it all, but some part of me cannot let it go, which I hate (though thankfully, I think that feeling is getting weaker as time goes on). Is this SI?
Regardless, this fear surfaces most often in moments when I feel most uptight, so maybe that's somehow related to it. It's not enough to stop me in the long run, but it is something I face on the daily, so I just wanted to put it into words I guess.

What helped me get rid of that fear totally was when I realized I have full control of when I kill myself. So the fear is irrational, since you're the one in control. It won't come as a surprise, but will be done by your own action.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide can be very difficult as we are programmed to survive. The survival instinct can mean that it is hard to let go of this life. I think it is normal to have these fears. I also dread each day, all I want is to peacefully pass away and be free from this life. I am tired of living. I wish you the best in whatever happens.