![jyko](/data/avatars/l/73/73375.jpg?1723498388)
jyko
Here in night city
- Aug 13, 2023
- 37
As of late as I've become more concrete and hopefully effective in my ctb plans, and stopped drinking so much in order to get the energy to talk to people to create some false sense of belonging, I feel like I've just shut down as a person. I don't listen to music, and I used to be one of those top 1% listener statistics gatherers for various artists. All the youtube videos I watch if i even have the energy are all videos I used to watch 7/8/9/10 years ago which idk why. Some sense of nostalgia when things were better?
I don't go outside much because my self esteem is even lower than ever failing so many interviews, and poignantly the last few days all I do is just smoke and sleep - I can't even conjure up the energy to be hungry anymore, just thirsty. Nothing excites me like it used to years and years ago it just irritates me demanding I spend the energy on it to try to care about it. Alot of this isolation means I've been consuming alot of the only last favourite things I have - 2 TV shows, both of which center pretty heavily on death (HBO chernobyl and The Boys), and that's kind of all I've got.
It feels like being in some conscious coma and it doesn't even really make me miserable? Not liking music and hobbies anymore is a bit of a bummer but it makes sense my mind would block out things that brought me so much joy when it's so preoccupied finding the best way to ctb. It's a very very intriguing state to be in
I don't go outside much because my self esteem is even lower than ever failing so many interviews, and poignantly the last few days all I do is just smoke and sleep - I can't even conjure up the energy to be hungry anymore, just thirsty. Nothing excites me like it used to years and years ago it just irritates me demanding I spend the energy on it to try to care about it. Alot of this isolation means I've been consuming alot of the only last favourite things I have - 2 TV shows, both of which center pretty heavily on death (HBO chernobyl and The Boys), and that's kind of all I've got.
It feels like being in some conscious coma and it doesn't even really make me miserable? Not liking music and hobbies anymore is a bit of a bummer but it makes sense my mind would block out things that brought me so much joy when it's so preoccupied finding the best way to ctb. It's a very very intriguing state to be in