Sillyy me, expecting too much from people. Again!

[The Dark Chaos]

So here goesss what happened yesterdayyy...

I hadn't opened up about my depression to anyone till yesterdayy. I didn't know I was depressed until a friend of mine from SS told me about it. I just knew that I can't continue living. That I wanted to die. That I yearned for eternal sleep. I was amazed. I had thought depression was a case of lying around feeling vaguely despondent, and had absolutely no idea it could be so physically painful. I thought depression was for people who had difficult or troubled lives, whereas I counted myself incredibly lucky, as well as very happy. No-one would believe I was depressed, or eligible for depression.

Anyywayyss back to what happened yesterdayy..I thought about telling this person, whose more of a sister to me thann a friend, about myy suicidal tendencies and depression. I confided in her. Told her about howw eachh night I lay in bed but couldn't sleep. About how I kept staring at my food but couldn't eat. About how I cried daily each night and kept it a secret. About how my heart's broken but it still wouldn't stop beating.

I thought she'd keep my secret buried within her until I'm ready to tell my family and friends about it. But alas! To wish is to hope and to hope is to expect and expectations alwayys lead to disappointments!! She went on and told this to others. People who I know don't care about me. People whom I don't trust at all. Things got so messed up that my parents were one call away from knowing about it. I don't have a problem about them knowing about it. Its just that I want to be the one who tells them about it. Not someone else. But I ain't got guts to tell them about it yet. I don't want them to be worried about me. Especially now.

Was it too much to ask from her? Is it too much to confide in people? Is it too much to ask for someone who understands? Is it too much to ask for people who believe in you? Will it be too much to ask that I don't want to be missed when I'm all gone?

I know this doesn't makes sense but anywayys thanks for reading❤

 

[mathieu]

That's really shitty your friend did that. I'm sorry.

 

[Ktmnny]

Do you think it's possible she was really worried and scared, maybe she was trying to get some help on what to do? Or you think she was just gossiping and wasn't really thinking about you and how telling others would make you feel?

 

[4eyebiped]

I will assume the best case here and imagine she was worried, scared, concerned and so forth. Most people have a very strong panic reaction to topics such as these on this forum. It is beyond their grasp and comprehension. They don't know how to respond as very few experience a lot of the pains and feelings we all here do. They respond more primal like. Plus, when someone cares about something, they don't want to lose that something.

With that said, that is the good part about this forum. You can confide in us, the people who can relate to you and understand. It might not be as good as a close friend, but I imagine you can even find a close friend here as well.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Do you think it's possible she was really worried and scared, maybe she was trying to get some help on what to do? Or you think she was just gossiping and wasn't really thinking about you and how telling others would make you feel?

Maybe she was worried but she should haven't told the ones whom I least trust. I've onlyy met those guyys this year.

I will assume the best case here and imagine she was worried, scared, concerned and so forth. Most people have a very strong panic reaction to topics such as these on this forum. It is beyond their grasp and comprehension. They don't know how to respond as very few experience a lot of the pains and feelings we all here do. They respond more primal like. Plus, when someone cares about something, they don't want to lose that something.

With that said, that is the good part about this forum. You can confide in us, the people who can relate to you and understand. It might not be as good as a close friend, but I imagine you can even find a close friend here as well.

Yess that's the best part about this forum. And yes, I do have a few good friends from here. Trust me, they're a lot better than the ones I meet up everydayy!

 

[Zoya]

Maybe he did it because he loves you so much that he's afraid of losing you.
Do not you believe it?
I´m sorry, I don´t speak english

 

[itsamadworld]

About how I cried daily each night and kept it a secret.

It's difficult to know anybody's motivations for doing or saying something. However, perhaps with time you will get more clarification and evidence. Emotional fits of crying certainly does suck. I have them daily......I have BPD, Depression and Anxiety, and PTSD.... and I know during emotional storms it's hard to see anything as good in this world. It's also easy for me to get paranoid at people- because of a history of trauma and a history of people fucking me over....And sometimes my paranoia has been justifiable, sometimes not....But anyways, wish you the best.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Maybe he did it because he loves you so much that he's afraid of losing you.
Do not you believe it?
I´m sorry, I don´t speak english

Yeahhh she does loves mehh as a sister. She might have been afraid. I understand. But at the end of the dayy its myy life and I get to choose whom to share myy secrets withh and whom to not. She shouldn't have went on telling about it to everybodyyy else.
You don't have to apologize for not speaking English. Language is just a medium to understand each other. And I think we both did, in this case ;)

 

[autumnal]

Maybe she was worried but she should haven't told the ones whom I least trust. I've onlyy met those guyys this year.

Yess that's the best part about this forum. And yes, I do have a few good friends from here. Trust me, they're a lot better than the ones I meet up everydayy!

Yes, I would agree with others that she was most likely concerned for you and out of her depth. As others have said, although we discuss it so casually, suicide is massive deal to most regular people.

Why would it matter to her whether you trusted the people she told, or even knew them? She's going to tell the people that she trusts most with that information, or that she believes can provide her with the best advice.

Putting your issue with your friend aside for a moment, have you obtained proper help for your depression? Are you sure you should be considering suicide if you haven't first looked into help for the underlying problem?

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Yes, I would agree with others that she was most likely concerned for you and out of her depth. As others have said, although we discuss it so casually, suicide is massive deal to most regular people.

Why would it matter to her whether you trusted the people she told, or even knew them? She's going to tell the people that she trusts most with that information, or that she believes can provide her with the best advice.

Putting your issue with your friend aside for a moment, have you obtained proper help for your depression? Are you sure you should be considering suicide if you haven't first looked into help for the underlying problem?

Yeahhh maybe she was right on her side but I don't thinkk she actuallyy cares. She has been kindaa ignoring mehh since thenn. Ohkayy maybe not ignoring me but she alwayys acts like all that stuff never happened. Like, we never had a talk about all of this.

Well, I think I should give a shot at recoveryy but I don't feel like doing so. I simplyy wish to erase myy existence.

 

[autumnal]

Yeahhh maybe she was right on her side but I don't thinkk she actuallyy cares. She has been kindaa ignoring mehh since thenn. Ohkayy maybe not ignoring me but she alwayys acts like all that stuff never happened. Like, we never had a talk about all of this.

Well, I think I should give a shot at recoveryy but I don't feel like doing so. I simplyy wish to erase myy existence.

No offence, but you do seem to have little understanding of how things might be from her perspective. If the reason she told people is because she was overwhelmed and needed advice, then it's only natural that she is also not going to know how to raise the subject with you now, and she may have the incorrect but commonly-held belief that raising the topic of suicide with someone makes them more likely to commit.

Also, you didn't answer my question about whether you have sought professional help for your depression.

It's not entirely clear from your posts as to how much of your depression is related to interpersonal relationships, however I am going to hazard a guess and suggest quite a lot of it. I would also be interested to know approximately how old you are.

 

[rhiino]

I am sorry that she did that. You could tell her she will not help you by talking to others when you confide in her and by not talking with you about it she will make things worse.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

No offence, but you do seem to have little understanding of how things might be from her perspective. If the reason she told people is because she was overwhelmed and needed advice, then it's only natural that she is also not going to know how to raise the subject with you now, and she may have the incorrect but commonly-held belief that raising the topic of suicide with someone makes them more likely to commit.

Also, you didn't answer my question about whether you have sought professional help for your depression.

It's not entirely clear from your posts as to how much of your depression is related to interpersonal relationships, however I am going to hazard a guess and suggest quite a lot of it. I would also be interested to know approximately how old you are.

No offence taken. Maybe you're right. Maybe she cares. Answering your question, no I haven't. Well, I just turned 18 last month. This will be myy last year at school.

I am sorry that she did that. You could tell her she will not help you by talking to others when you confide in her and by not talking with you about it she will make things worse.

Thankyou but now I don't care anyymore :(

 

[autumnal]

No offence taken. Maybe you're right. Maybe she cares. Answering your question, no I haven't. Well, I just turned 18 last month. This will be myy last year at school.

Yep, you definitely came across as being very young and, with all due respect, not having had the time to gain greater perspective on the world and the possible motivations of others. I do hope you will consider getting some professional help for your depression. While it is at times a contentious topic here, the majority of members would likely have no hesitation supporting your right to suicide at that age. I tend to believe it somewhat depends on the context for the suicidality. At your age, you have not yet had the opportunities for interpersonal relationships of varying types. As such, to suicide based on those kind of events would be a shame, and a premature decision you may not have made just a few years later.

 

[VoidShiki19]

Hopefully you learned never to tell anyone about wanting to CTB (unless you genuinely wanted help and not go through with the deed)

 

[autumnal]

Hopefully you learned never to tell anyone about wanting to CTB (unless you genuinely wanted help and not go through with the deed)

I'd say odds are that the OP did genuinely want help and to not go through with the deed.

 

[VoidShiki19]

I'd say odds are that the OP did genuinely want help and to not go through with the deed.

Was what i was thinking too. Nothing wrong with changing your mind but you need to be brutally honest with yourself in regards to wanting to CTB or wanting help

 

[The Dark Chaos]

Yep, you definitely came across as being very young and, with all due respect, not having had the time to gain greater perspective on the world and the possible motivations of others. I do hope you will consider getting some professional help for your depression. While it is at times a contentious topic here, the majority of members would likely have no hesitation supporting your right to suicide at that age. I tend to believe it somewhat depends on the context for the suicidality. At your age, you have not yet had the opportunities for interpersonal relationships of varying types. As such, to suicide based on those kind of events would be a shame, and a premature decision you may not have made just a few years later.

Well..Thankyou maybe? And yess I am thinking about getting a professional help. Maybe I haven't had varying types of interpersonal relationship but I did have some. I don't think myy decision's gonnaa change. Maybe I won't ctb now or next month or maybe a few years but I can feel it. I can feel that I'm gonnaa end myy life on myy own terms.

 

[autumnal]

Well..Thankyou maybe? And yess I am thinking about getting a professional help. Maybe I haven't had varying types of interpersonal relationship but I did have some. I don't think myy decision's gonnaa change. Maybe I won't ctb now or next month or maybe a few years but I can feel it. I can feel that I'm gonnaa end myy life on myy own terms.

Oh totally. Nobody is suggesting you have the interpersonal experience of a ten or fifteen year-old. But nor do you yet have the life experience of someone at age twenty-five, and the period in those intervening years is a crucial one for forming an attitude towards yourself, others and life in general.

 

[Fish Face]

So here goesss what happened yesterdayyy...

I hadn't opened up about my depression to anyone till yesterdayy. I didn't know I was depressed until a friend of mine from SS told me about it. I just knew that I can't continue living. That I wanted to die. That I yearned for eternal sleep. I was amazed. I had thought depression was a case of lying around feeling vaguely despondent, and had absolutely no idea it could be so physically painful. I thought depression was for people who had difficult or troubled lives, whereas I counted myself incredibly lucky, as well as very happy. No-one would believe I was depressed, or eligible for depression.

Anyywayyss back to what happened yesterdayy..I thought about telling this person, whose more of a sister to me thann a friend, about myy suicidal tendencies and depression. I confided in her. Told her about howw eachh night I lay in bed but couldn't sleep. About how I kept staring at my food but couldn't eat. About how I cried daily each night and kept it a secret. About how my heart's broken but it still wouldn't stop beating.

I thought she'd keep my secret buried within her until I'm ready to tell my family and friends about it. But alas! To wish is to hope and to hope is to expect and expectations alwayys lead to disappointments!! She went on and told this to others. People who I know don't care about me. People whom I don't trust at all. Things got so messed up that my parents were one call away from knowing about it. I don't have a problem about them knowing about it. Its just that I want to be the one who tells them about it. Not someone else. But I ain't got guts to tell them about it yet. I don't want them to be worried about me. Especially now.

Was it too much to ask from her? Is it too much to confide in people? Is it too much to ask for someone who understands? Is it too much to ask for people who believe in you? Will it be too much to ask that I don't want to be missed when I'm all gone?

I know this doesn't makes sense but anywayys thanks for reading❤

Okay. Been there , done that. That is one person, not the world.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

So here goesss what happened yesterdayyy...

I hadn't opened up about my depression to anyone till yesterdayy. I didn't know I was depressed until a friend of mine from SS told me about it. I just knew that I can't continue living. That I wanted to die. That I yearned for eternal sleep. I was amazed. I had thought depression was a case of lying around feeling vaguely despondent, and had absolutely no idea it could be so physically painful. I thought depression was for people who had difficult or troubled lives, whereas I counted myself incredibly lucky, as well as very happy. No-one would believe I was depressed, or eligible for depression.

Anyywayyss back to what happened yesterdayy..I thought about telling this person, whose more of a sister to me thann a friend, about myy suicidal tendencies and depression. I confided in her. Told her about howw eachh night I lay in bed but couldn't sleep. About how I kept staring at my food but couldn't eat. About how I cried daily each night and kept it a secret. About how my heart's broken but it still wouldn't stop beating.

I thought she'd keep my secret buried within her until I'm ready to tell my family and friends about it. But alas! To wish is to hope and to hope is to expect and expectations alwayys lead to disappointments!! She went on and told this to others. People who I know don't care about me. People whom I don't trust at all. Things got so messed up that my parents were one call away from knowing about it. I don't have a problem about them knowing about it. Its just that I want to be the one who tells them about it. Not someone else. But I ain't got guts to tell them about it yet. I don't want them to be worried about me. Especially now.

Was it too much to ask from her? Is it too much to confide in people? Is it too much to ask for someone who understands? Is it too much to ask for people who believe in you? Will it be too much to ask that I don't want to be missed when I'm all gone?

I know this doesn't makes sense but anywayys thanks for reading❤

i'm in the same situation and she's only using me. i love her for real but she doesn't care. she used me for 2 years..