Venting Signs to ctb

[conveniently_dead]

Anyone else feel like life gives them signs that it's time to ctb? Not always huge super obvious things, but a lot of subtle realizations and moments where you are like, what am I still doing here? This doesn't make any sense anymore. This isn't good for anybody involved.

I guess because I have some good memories, I cling to life and resist taking charge and ending things. But life is different now. I'm glad for getting to experience life, but now everyday is like a fight to get through.

 

[Life+me=error]

Today I got one of these signs... Everything is lining up nicely. I don't believe in God but I do believe in Death.

I believe Death is an unexplainable force like gravity.

 

[been_there]

Life doesn't. Some people do for their own kicks if they know you're struggling. But fuck them.

 

[Severen]

Today I got one of these signs... Everything is lining up nicely. I don't believe in God but I do believe in Death.

I believe Death is an unexplainable force like gravity.

What about a god of death?

 

[LaBrava]

Anyone else feel like life gives them signs that it's time to ctb? Not always huge super obvious things, but a lot of subtle realizations and moments where you are like, what am I still doing here? This doesn't make any sense anymore. This isn't good for anybody involved.

I guess because I have some good memories, I cling to life and resist taking charge and ending things. But life is different now. I'm glad for getting to experience life, but now everyday is like a fight to get through.

Yes. Life has always been a struggle for me and depression a constant companion, but in the last few years life has really deteriorated, I've experienced the very worst of times and each day brings a little more suffering pushing me towards CTB. And I see even worse things to come.

 

[Jean Améry]

Everytime you get bad news or something goes wrong it could be interpreted as a sign to quit. I don't believe in signs though as that would imply there's an intelligent entity at work that is communicating with you. I don't think this is the case at all.

I would call it factors or relevant elements in the decision process whether to CTB or not.

There are also things that go right/good news: the problem is I don't believe in the end my life will change for the better so I still want to die. Too bad my life isn't bad enough now to justify causing suffering to a select few others. Damn my stupid moral sensibilities.

 

[puppy9]

Yes, it's been gnawing on me for quite sometimes. Thought wanna go back to college, but after much deliberation on the debt and value of the paper ; it's worthless. Getting a job, it's a promethean endeavor because of my anxiety and major depressive disorder render me useless. I don't see any prospect of living anymore. I'm just a wandering lost meat. My exit will be SN, but if that is unavailable , i'll opt for partial hanging. Date of ctb still unsure, but for sure i'll die on my own terms. If i nailed my ctb well, that's the best retirement plan ever.

 

[not_a_robot]

Yes, it's been gnawing on me for quite sometimes. Thought wanna go back to college, but after much deliberation on the debt and value of the paper ; it's worthless. Getting a job, it's a promethean endeavor because of my anxiety and major depressive disorder render me useless. I don't see any prospect of living anymore. I'm just a wandering lost meat. My exit will be SN, but if that is unavailable , i'll opt for partial hanging. Date of ctb still unsure, but for sure i'll die on my own terms. If i nailed my ctb well, that's the best retirement plan ever.

I think you meant Sisyphean?

Lol omg the spellcheck recognizes "Sisyphean"... but not "spellcheck".
The other day my auto complete suggested "shitbag".
I love technology. I don't understand it, but I love it.

Oh, back on topic.
Yes. Daily. For literally as long as I can remember, before I was even verbal, I have been filled with a feeling "this is all just a terrible mistake." I kept listening to all the people who say keep going. It was all a terrible mistake to stay. My life is such a series of horrible events that people think I made it up.
I never should have stayed.
All that has ever eased the pain is marijuana, all that has ever kept me here is fear.

 

[cornflowerblue]

What about a god of death?

If that exists, I'll be at church every day next week :p

 

[Person]

Yes, although I don't think it's life, I think it's just me interperating it that way.
For example:
I went to see a new counciller last week. After telling her my issues, she began to cry and said it was 'too close to home' she said she would refer me to someone else and asked me to leave. It just made me feel like a dick. I reached out for help, only to upset someone else.

My toddler has never once called me mum or mummy. He'll say nanny, daddy ect but never mum. Despite me being the one to give the majority of his care all his life.

I have been put on so many benefits that I don't need to return to my job. Not a bad thing in itself, but work gave me purpose and now I don't have that.

The police have forgotten about me, and have not updated me in about 6weeks regarding their investigation into my husbands death.

Family and friends are all moving on in their lives and not calling/responding.

Neither of my children notice if I'm gone. If I leave them with my family, I could go away for days at a time, but they don't call to check up on me.

Ugh.

 

[First loss]

Yeah. Usually my missaps and failures. They hit especially hard when I am happy or at least neutral and then make me realize what a failure I am.