Does anyone relate to never having had any interests? I'm not talking about a loss of interests that can be regained, I've never had any. My whole teenage years were spent obssessed over money.
This goes to the extent of not watching movies, etc for even some sort of relaxation.
I was meant to kill myself before Christmas, but for some reason I decided to go the doctor. I was referred to an emergency psychiatric hospital for an admission interview. I was sat across from 2 guys who asked like 100 questions. They decided to let me leave, and instead threw me a referal to another clinic. I went to that clinic and was sat again in an office with 2 other guys, asking me the same questions. The last guys did not bother to even inform them why I was there. I kept tripping on my words and the environment was very uncomfortable. They offered no help, and told me to come back again in 2 weeks. I never went back, and at this point lost total belief in any sort of professional help.
After Christmas, I entered what I would describe as some sort of manic phase where I decided that I'll try to better myself. I got a personal trainer and started going to the gym. My personal trainer is the least judgemental and nicest person I've ever met. I currently live abroad alone, and he is the only person I socially interact with basically ever, during the week. I am certain that he knows there is something up with me, as he constantly talks about how important is to be happy and tries to tap into my feelings, but I quickly change this topic. He knows that I do nothing but lay in bed all day, and tries to provide suggestions of what I could do (I don't ask him for ideas, he says things like "lets think what you could do"). He just makes me feel very comfortable.
However, I have lost all the tiny motivation I had to improve myself, and am back on route to killing myself. I only go to the gym for that small social interaction. I am soon going to be kicked out of my apartment, and also will not be able to afford to go to the gym anymore.
I have no one in my life, and for someone to show a tiny bit of genuine interest, it means alot and I get emotional. I feel like just breaking down to him, even though that won't fix anything. I also know its a scumbag and selfish move by me if I did, he has enough to deal with than some random client he met a few weeks ago crying lol.
I need to quickly plan my suicide. Thankfully, I still have my SN in my drawer. All I need to do is make a quick dash
This goes to the extent of not watching movies, etc for even some sort of relaxation.
I was meant to kill myself before Christmas, but for some reason I decided to go the doctor. I was referred to an emergency psychiatric hospital for an admission interview. I was sat across from 2 guys who asked like 100 questions. They decided to let me leave, and instead threw me a referal to another clinic. I went to that clinic and was sat again in an office with 2 other guys, asking me the same questions. The last guys did not bother to even inform them why I was there. I kept tripping on my words and the environment was very uncomfortable. They offered no help, and told me to come back again in 2 weeks. I never went back, and at this point lost total belief in any sort of professional help.
After Christmas, I entered what I would describe as some sort of manic phase where I decided that I'll try to better myself. I got a personal trainer and started going to the gym. My personal trainer is the least judgemental and nicest person I've ever met. I currently live abroad alone, and he is the only person I socially interact with basically ever, during the week. I am certain that he knows there is something up with me, as he constantly talks about how important is to be happy and tries to tap into my feelings, but I quickly change this topic. He knows that I do nothing but lay in bed all day, and tries to provide suggestions of what I could do (I don't ask him for ideas, he says things like "lets think what you could do"). He just makes me feel very comfortable.
However, I have lost all the tiny motivation I had to improve myself, and am back on route to killing myself. I only go to the gym for that small social interaction. I am soon going to be kicked out of my apartment, and also will not be able to afford to go to the gym anymore.
I have no one in my life, and for someone to show a tiny bit of genuine interest, it means alot and I get emotional. I feel like just breaking down to him, even though that won't fix anything. I also know its a scumbag and selfish move by me if I did, he has enough to deal with than some random client he met a few weeks ago crying lol.
I need to quickly plan my suicide. Thankfully, I still have my SN in my drawer. All I need to do is make a quick dash
