canoekit
Member
- Jan 9, 2026
- 11
Although a major part of me, the one that constantly criticizes and belittles everything about myself, believes that I deserve to be alone and forgotten, I really wish someone did care. I want someone to be scared of losing me.
I had someone like that up until last October. He made me so happy. For a little while, I finally thought that I deserve something more in life, that I mean something, that I can have a happy future. Yet, when I told him I'm suicidal, that I need him by my side, as well as other things not worth mentioning here, he left. Now, I have no one in my life who truly cares like he did. I also feel so silly for ever thinking he cared about me, or that I meant something. Currently, it feels like he's waiting for my suicide just so he can stop feeling guilty about knowing me. I know that realistically no one ever feels happy someone has died by suicide, but seeing him online on a website that I know he only would use to message me, it genuinely feels like he's waiting for the night that I text him something really miserable so I can prove him right. That I prove him correct and validate as to why he left me. That no one could ever truly love or care about me.
Everyone who is aware of me CtB this Saturday is indifferent. Maybe it would be worse if they weren't, I'd most likely be irritated that they're trying to stop me, but simultaneously, is it that difficult to ask for someone to at least care? I wish my presence meant something to someone. I wish I wasn't lonely, especially now with only a few days left to live. I should be feeling calm, coming to terms with finally dying, but all I do these days is cry about the past, the present and the future. I feel pathetic and worthless.
I don't know what I'm expecting in response to this. I suppose I hope someone else shares the same, or at least a similar pain as me.
I had someone like that up until last October. He made me so happy. For a little while, I finally thought that I deserve something more in life, that I mean something, that I can have a happy future. Yet, when I told him I'm suicidal, that I need him by my side, as well as other things not worth mentioning here, he left. Now, I have no one in my life who truly cares like he did. I also feel so silly for ever thinking he cared about me, or that I meant something. Currently, it feels like he's waiting for my suicide just so he can stop feeling guilty about knowing me. I know that realistically no one ever feels happy someone has died by suicide, but seeing him online on a website that I know he only would use to message me, it genuinely feels like he's waiting for the night that I text him something really miserable so I can prove him right. That I prove him correct and validate as to why he left me. That no one could ever truly love or care about me.
Everyone who is aware of me CtB this Saturday is indifferent. Maybe it would be worse if they weren't, I'd most likely be irritated that they're trying to stop me, but simultaneously, is it that difficult to ask for someone to at least care? I wish my presence meant something to someone. I wish I wasn't lonely, especially now with only a few days left to live. I should be feeling calm, coming to terms with finally dying, but all I do these days is cry about the past, the present and the future. I feel pathetic and worthless.
I don't know what I'm expecting in response to this. I suppose I hope someone else shares the same, or at least a similar pain as me.
