Existing is mans worst punishment. I constantly fantasize about suicide and lately I've been only passively thinking about it. Some days I feel really motivated to end it all and then others it can be hard. Sometimes the guilt of leaving those who love me behind (mainly close family) eats me up and I have to remind myself that we will all die. No one in this world understands just how bad I want to die, I really need to be taken out of my misery. This month was supposed to be the month that I was going to end it but due to certain circumstances, I wasn't even able to do anything.
Everything feels like it's out of my reach, even dying by your own hand is hard to do. I am sure that if I were to try to decapitate myself via train or blow my brains out OR even jumping off a tall building.. that it would work and I would succeed! It's just so exhausting having to research and research. I'm so sick of everything.
I'm very motivated to get it done and hopefully it'll be done very soon, perhaps even this month or during November but then that would mean having to wait it out and a close family member of mine would be giving birth that month so I feel like that will make people think that I'm just trying to get attention or something, I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel like I've been going in loops with my plans these past 3 years and I'm so done with it, I just want to stick to one plan and get it done with.
Everything feels like it's out of my reach, even dying by your own hand is hard to do. I am sure that if I were to try to decapitate myself via train or blow my brains out OR even jumping off a tall building.. that it would work and I would succeed! It's just so exhausting having to research and research. I'm so sick of everything.
I'm very motivated to get it done and hopefully it'll be done very soon, perhaps even this month or during November but then that would mean having to wait it out and a close family member of mine would be giving birth that month so I feel like that will make people think that I'm just trying to get attention or something, I don't know what the fuck to do. I feel like I've been going in loops with my plans these past 3 years and I'm so done with it, I just want to stick to one plan and get it done with.
