Venting Sick and tired of being sick and tired

[LivedAndNotLoved]

Feeling the lowest that I've ever felt in life.

I'd say from age 17 to now (age 26), I've spent the majority of my life of self-destruct mode. Some of the things I have done, i just cannot take back. And I've tried my best to move on from it. But it's at times like this that I reflect on all the shit things I done.

Then it's the the anxiety, depression, the fact that I'm desperate for a vodka but cant have one (I have an alcohol problem, as in I do EXTREMELY bad things when I'm drunk), and I've had 3 breakdowns from the age of 16 till now. I honestly think that life is going to get worse and worse. I genuinely cannot face living anymore of life if its just going to be shit after shit.

I know I can make my own choices. I know. But this is going to sound really strange... but when bad things happen to me that are out of my control, something clicks in my head or it's like a button is pressed in me and I just get overwhelming urges to just go on the warpath and I want to hurt and mess things up for myself as much as I can. That's messed up inni? I mean things like cutting, drinking loads and loads (sometimes mixing codeine with it), other reckless/risky behaviour that is going to hurt me. It's like I enjoy ruining my own life.

I'm really sorry if that sounds messed up. Just need to get it off my chest. Just so fucking fed up. I told the mental health nurse in my appointment and he just looked at me blank.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It doesn't sound messed up. The mental health nurse sounds uneducated, and it sounds like you have a trauma history that led to maladaptive coping. Sending you resect for having survived hard shit.

 

[LivedAndNotLoved]

It doesn't sound messed up. The mental health nurse sounds uneducated, and it sounds like you have a trauma history that led to maladaptive coping. Sending you resect for having survived hard shit.

I was groomed by my uncle when I was 15. He was 72 at the time. He's still alive and comes into my area once a week but he has to stay away from me (never has tried coming near me). Thank you for that, its nice to know that people listen.

 

[faust]

I am sorry for all the things you encounter on your life path...
And thank you for your venting! We are here to listen
However, I can relate to this. I enjoy self-destruction. Smoking, vaping to the extent when I can hardly walk, drinking huge amounts of coke. Used to drink alcohol everyday but got tired of this stuff. Used not to eat for 2 weeks, sleep 20+ hours or not to sleep at all. I thought I am alone to be programmed to self-destruction.

 

[LivedAndNotLoved]

I appreciate you listening and your reply.

I completely understand where your coming from. I do in a way enjoy self-destruction. My attitude is if the grenade is going to go off then I'd rather pull the pin myself than let someone else do it.

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

a therapist had told me my go-to response for when something goes slightly bad if not very bad is to attempt suicide. I had just figured it was strictly the depression part. after looking back, i realized it was because in my high school years every time i attempted i got the attention i had been craving and the love i have never seen otherwise.