Venting SI will always win

[awfullymorbid]

I feel like si will always win and it's so hopeless trying to convince myself it wont.

Everyday i think of ctb but I feel like im not committed enough. like i feel like they make it too difficult and frightening to just peacefully go. I dont want to contribute to society so why shouldn't there be an option to ctb without trying weird methods that most likely wont work and will just give me brain damage or whatever

i also find it really disappointing when i try to hide the fact i wanna ctb and then when i accidentally mention it to the people i know they just treat it like i wont actually do it and im not doing extremely bad, i genuinely just dont want to show people it because i hate being a burden and i guess its good that theyre not overreacting because at least there wont be anyone stopping me if i find a good method but it kind of makes me feel invisible

also im doing somewhat well on the surface, im behind in everything but like there isn't any bankruptcy going on or whatever and i still try to somewhat succeed in life as a backup plan because im truly scared si will win and ill never ctb which is my biggest nightmare

im also truly tired of being miserably misunderstood, i dont even try to make new connections anymore because i dont see a point in it, if i do get to know someone new it's just to try to build my social abilities and network incase i dont ctb idk im just genuinely paranoid that i wont do it

i usually try to make my threads look neat but idk i just gotta get this off my chest and i have no one to talk to so sorry in advance for this thought explosion i dont even know if it makes sense

 

[kitkatt]

I feel like si will always win and it's so hopeless trying to convince myself it wont.

Everyday i think of ctb but I feel like im not committed enough. like i feel like they make it too difficult and frightening to just peacefully go. I dont want to contribute to society so why shouldn't there be an option to ctb without trying weird methods that most likely wont work and will just give me brain damage or whatever

i also find it really disappointing when i try to hide the fact i wanna ctb and then when i accidentally mention it to the people i know they just treat it like i wont actually do it and im not doing extremely bad, i genuinely just dont want to show people it because i hate being a burden and i guess its good that theyre not overreacting because at least there wont be anyone stopping me if i find a good method but it kind of makes me feel invisible

also im doing somewhat well on the surface, im behind in everything but like there isn't any bankruptcy going on or whatever and i still try to somewhat succeed in life as a backup plan because im truly scared si will win and ill never ctb which is my biggest nightmare

im also truly tired of being miserably misunderstood, i dont even try to make new connections anymore because i dont see a point in it, if i do get to know someone new it's just to try to build my social abilities and network incase i dont ctb idk im just genuinely paranoid that i wont do it

i usually try to make my threads look neat but idk i just gotta get this off my chest and i have no one to talk to so sorry in advance for this thought explosion i dont even know if it makes sense

Everything is so hard right now. The world is already so difficult to navigate being neurodivergent but having to deal with these societal pressures. I'm doing my best to tell myself it's okay that I can't do as much as others. I would be wildly much more successful if this world was made for me to be in it. But for now fuck capitalism and I'm taking it one day at a time! People don't need to add to society to be worth something. Also sending care and virtual hugs your way i can't say it'll get better but I'm happy to yap with you about it if you need to get anything else off your chest:)

 

[awfullymorbid]

Everything is so hard right now. The world is already so difficult to navigate being neurodivergent but having to deal with these societal pressures. I'm doing my best to tell myself it's okay that I can't do as much as others. I would be wildly much more successful if this world was made for me to be in it. But for now fuck capitalism and I'm taking it one day at a time! People don't need to add to society to be worth something. Also sending care and virtual hugs your way i can't say it'll get better but I'm happy to yap with you about it if you need to get anything else off your chest:)

you're so sweet, i really appreciate it. i totally agree, the world sucks. even if im undiagnosed, because im too scared to talk to any form of specialist, i totally don't think this world is made for me and im glad someone else also sees that even though i wish we both fit in

 

[DownwardSpiral]

it makes perfect sense

 

[kitkatt]

you're so sweet, i really appreciate it. i totally agree, the world sucks. even if im undiagnosed, because im too scared to talk to any form of specialist, i totally don't think this world is made for me and im glad someone else also sees that even though i wish we both fit in

Hey I can't make the world good by myself but I can do my best to be what I consider a good person! I don't have a formal diagnosis for what I suspect (autism and add) but I do have a c-tsd diagnosis which is also a part of the spectrum. But what's helped me most is realizing most of us are struggling to cope now even the divergents. The world wants us too tired to do anything and just continue to be good lil drones and I hate it. I hate feeling hopeless to change it even though I know I alone can't do much. I do feel like I fit in here though with people who understand what it's like to struggle while everyone else sees us as fine. The worlds a big shitty place but I'm grateful for the community I do have and I wanna stop isolating myself from it:) sometimes anyway I do need my alone time

 

[Chronical_Suicidal]

It makes sense, SI is hard to win, but isn't undefeatable - otherwise, people wouldn't CTB at all. Anyway, it's a reason why suicide isn't more common among population.

 

[hurb]

Ikr its as if someone is gatekeeping some sort of a method thats very easy to do and that doesnt sound scary... why is it this complicated

 

[awfullymorbid]

Hey I can't make the world good by myself but I can do my best to be what I consider a good person! I don't have a formal diagnosis for what I suspect (autism and add) but I do have a c-tsd diagnosis which is also a part of the spectrum. But what's helped me most is realizing most of us are struggling to cope now even the divergents. The world wants us too tired to do anything and just continue to be good lil drones and I hate it. I hate feeling hopeless to change it even though I know I alone can't do much. I do feel like I fit in here though with people who understand what it's like to struggle while everyone else sees us as fine. The worlds a big shitty place but I'm grateful for the community I do have and I wanna stop isolating myself from it:) sometimes anyway I do need my alone time

Yeah same! i definitely value my alone time but im grateful i can come here to feel understood