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nihilistic_dragon
Student
- Aug 6, 2024
- 188
Occasionally, some little nice thing happens in my day to day life. And just for a fraction of a second my brain imagines a bright future. Just for a fraction of a second. And then the delusion fades away and the reality check kicks right back in and I remember that a "bright future" is impossible.
I often wonder if I will be able to ctb, or will I - like many of you - have many tries, where I mostly just cry and stare at the wall with my ctb method in front of me? I am a very strong and determined person, always have been. But I wonder what I will become when my time comes.
My method of choice is N. I still have to make lots of preparations, still need to travel to obtain it. Recently when I heard that N is becoming more difficult to buy, part of me got upset/anxious. But a very tiny part of me was....glad?
While I know it's only natural to keep postponing your preparations and ctb date, I hate being in limbo like this. I hate the SI. I hate this society for making ctb-ing so difficult too.
I am just so tired of having to exist. Just so fucking tired.
I often wonder if I will be able to ctb, or will I - like many of you - have many tries, where I mostly just cry and stare at the wall with my ctb method in front of me? I am a very strong and determined person, always have been. But I wonder what I will become when my time comes.
My method of choice is N. I still have to make lots of preparations, still need to travel to obtain it. Recently when I heard that N is becoming more difficult to buy, part of me got upset/anxious. But a very tiny part of me was....glad?
While I know it's only natural to keep postponing your preparations and ctb date, I hate being in limbo like this. I hate the SI. I hate this society for making ctb-ing so difficult too.
I am just so tired of having to exist. Just so fucking tired.