Venting SI as an independent entity

[DreamCatcher]

I started thinking of SI as it's own being.

It's there sitting in the back of my mind, when I'm close to danger or death it jumps in the front seat and takes the wheel regardless of what I want.

I know that any method I choose has to end in such a way that there isn't a single thing my SI or body can do to prevent it once it goes past a certain point. I can't allow a single window of opportunity for SI to save me, because I know it will as it has in the past on numerous occasions.

Don't give your SI a chance to save you, make sure your method of choice takes this into account, and close all of those windows of opportunity where it can save you by planning and preparation.

Maybe your willpower is stronger than mine, and you can override it. But I am weak and squishy and my SI intends for me to live forever.

 

[suffering]

That's exactly how I felt too! Like there are two people inside me, the devil/torturer/SI and the angel/prisoner/freedom-seeker. Whenever I wanted to escape, the prison keeper came and stopped me.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'll be jailed till a natural end.
My only victory is that I will never bring a child into this world. Whatever imprisonment and suffering I have to live, I am carrying this cross alone.

 

[New_dawn_fades]

I will definitely need to pass out first. :/

 

[DreamCatcher]

That's exactly how I felt too! Like there are two people inside me, the devil/torturer/SI and the angel/prisoner/freedom-seeker. Whenever I wanted to escape, the prison keeper came and stopped me.
Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'll be jailed till a natural end.
My only victory is that I will never bring a child into this world. Whatever imprisonment and suffering I have to live, I am carrying this cross alone.

Prison keeper is a good term for it! It literally wants you to keep living regardless of what suffering you experience just because that's its job.

And not having a child is the best gift we can give, both to them, and to the world. I like to think that whatever child I didn't have is thanking me for not bringing them into this world.

 

[Jon86]

Guilt, fear, hope, shame, method, drugs etc. all play a factor in SI.

Ie. some hate their families, thus don't have guilt holding them back, other's have intense shame (slut shamed, pedos etc.) that fuel there resolve to end it, some have N (easier than jumping/hanging etc.), others have more hope for the future etc. Everything plays a factor in SI, it's not simple, everyone's situation is slightly different.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I'm with you on this, I don't see it as part of me, I see it as an annoying hurdle that needs to be dealt with. Once your in the right mind set SI can be ignored, you can teach yourself to ignore the MF!!