Venting shouldn’t I feel grateful?

[loslassen]

I mean, I do, but not wholly. I know all of these feelings are directly connected to wanting to make up for expectations and that I am only a bad person or a good person in each beholder's eyes, but I still can't shake the feeling, as much as I understand where it comes from.

things might get better for me really soon. i've been feeling better and better but I also feel like a liar, because a very polar part of me still just, yearns for ctb. I kind of feel like I rid of it sometimes, but then I remember and… no, it's still there. what is it that makes me feel incomplete then? it's probably just the uncertainty, i understand how the human mind and my own psychology works. my experiences, my trauma, my behaviors, where they all come from and how they've affected me, yet i sit in my room and feel tempted to js hang myself…

i feel bad, and guilty because everyone thinks i'm doing better, I tell them I'm doing better, they see i'm doing better, and we talk about the future, we plan things… i just am not sure if i'll be there, i'm not sure why.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I don't understand myself sometimes either, I feel like I have a petulant child inside me who wants to take out his negative feelings on me sometimes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've found that the more optimistic people I've known do seem to have a genuine sense of gratitude towards their more fortunate periods. I'm not sure it's something that can be forced though. I personally find that- when people try to make me feel grateful for the things that have actually gone better in my life, I tend to resent it.

Quite often though because it's not thought through. As in- 'You're lucky you inherited money.' Well, yes, I suppose I am. It meant losing a number of close family members in early life though- do you think you'd fancy that? Personally, I think I'd prefer my loved ones back! 'You're lucky to have a creative job.' Sure- some of it is luck. It's a lot more to do with hard work and sacrifice though. I've applied to so many places. I've had so many rejections, I've uprooted and moved a few times. I continue to give pretty much everything I have to it. Some of it's good fortune but a lot of it's effort- with everything. The things I don't have in my life- a partner, friendships are in part because I haven't put the effort in to sustain those things.

Plus, I suppose it depends on your underying view of life. I resent being given life to begin with. Everything on top of that is varying degrees of bad! So, sure- I can be grateful that things are no worse. It doesn't affect my feelings of pitty and empathy for people who do have it much worse. But really, it's kind of unlikely I'm going to feel genuinely grateful for life things unless I actually start wanting to live!

 

[loslassen]

I've found that the more optimistic people I've known do seem to have a genuine sense of gratitude towards their more fortunate periods. I'm not sure it's something that can be forced though. I personally find that- when people try to make me feel grateful for the things that have actually gone better in my life, I tend to resent it.

Quite often though because it's not thought through. As in- 'You're lucky you inherited money.' Well, yes, I suppose I am. It meant losing a number of close family members in early life though- do you think you'd fancy that? Personally, I think I'd prefer my loved ones back! 'You're lucky to have a creative job.' Sure- some of it is luck. It's a lot more to do with hard work and sacrifice though. I've applied to so many places. I've had so many rejections, I've uprooted and moved a few times. I continue to give pretty much everything I have to it. Some of it's good fortune but a lot of it's effort- with everything. The things I don't have in my life- a partner, friendships are in part because I haven't put the effort in to sustain those things.

Plus, I suppose it depends on your underying view of life. I resent being given life to begin with. Everything on top of that is varying degrees of bad! So, sure- I can be grateful that things are no worse. It doesn't affect my feelings of pitty and empathy for people who do have it much worse. But really, it's kind of unlikely I'm going to feel genuinely grateful for life things unless I actually start wanting to live!

no no I understand your situation completely! I believe just as you mentioned you tend to resent the things people tell you to be grateful about are the exact reason why you don't feel grateful. it depends on who it comes from and what they mean with it, in my perspective they're envious, and therefore would rather see you be or act grateful than not because they'd wish they'd have that (specially without knowing the context, pain or effort behind!) so yeah, I understand why you wouldn't be grateful for things others insist you should,

but for me it's completely different! to me my gratitude does come genuinely, I feel like I'm not being grateful enough *because* of all the awful things i've gone through to get here :( it more so comes from the way I was raised, to be grateful for what I have not for what others don't. and since i've had such a bad time and things are finally coming into place I don't feel quite, fulfilled and that's disappointing and saddening :(