Should I wait until after Christmas?

[easypeasy]

Today I finally have what I need to exit. It's taken a few years to get it all together and research things. The only thing stopping me is the proximity to Christmas. (I will likely make it a very sad Christmas for others).

I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

This does mean enduring almost a month more of worsening painful symptoms and isolation. The isolation is a choice, as those close to me often say the wrong thing. For example…they comment "I know what you're feeling". Which is absurd and one or two people acknowledge this is insane. I have no issue being alone…but I know people will want to visit close to Christmas Day as it makes them feel like hey are being helpful. Unfortunately I don't want them to visit as they make things worse. Most have the wrong impression that I'm alone and may be sad…but I actually feel happier if they don't visit. I have a couple of friends who I love to see, so I'm definitely not lonely…it's a choice.

if I Ctb close to Xmas, my best friend has young kids and I don't want to affect their Christmas now and years to come. I have left them some money in my will but I know it's irrelevant if people are making funeral plans at Xmas. I've mostly made peace with leaving in general because I have fought hard and let people help if they want to. They just can't or don't have it in them.

I really want to ctb before Xmas but I wonder if I should hang on until January. Sadly, I risk using all my Diazepam up between now and then, as it helps a lot with the physical pain. I've made sure not to ctb close to people's birthdays that I love……so at the moment, I have a window between now and Xmas. I feel considerably worse by the day and I have been on a rapid decline for 7 - 8 yrs but specifically in the last few years when a surgical attempt to help left me in a torturous state of being.

Any wise words you have to offer …. I would appreciate. Xoxo

 

[TennTrixie]

I have this same concern. I am wanting to CTB due to health problems, but don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. I am waiting until after the first of the year for that reason. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[easypeasy]

I have this same concern. I am wanting to CTB due to health problems, but don't want to ruin the holidays for my family. I am waiting until after the first of the year for that reason. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you for commenting. It's nice to know there's someone in the same boat. Xo

 

[helloandbye1]

I've thought about it too and decided to ctb in January, I want my family to have one last nice holiday with me.

 

[easypeasy]

I've thought about it too and decided to ctb in January, I want my family to have one last nice holiday with me.

Thank you for sharing xxx

 

[Ozzyno]

I almost died three days ago… I don't know about your problems but if you can think about any kind of solution about your life rethink the idea of killing yourself.

I think you should definitely wait after Christmas though, people enjoy very little time off in their lives with work and stuff…

Hope I don't sound rude. Bye bye

 

[easypeasy]

I almost died three days ago… I don't know about your problems but if you can think about any kind of solution about your life rethink the idea of killing yourself.

I think you should definitely wait after Christmas though, people enjoy very little time off in their lives with work and stuff…

Hope I don't sound rude. Bye bye

Thanks for your input. I've definitely exhausted every possible avenue. I live in excruciating pain and have for many years. It's degenerative and debilitating following several tragic surgical events. I've always been against suicide but I never knew such torture was possible day in day out.

Nothing helps and I've even looked into a hemicorporectomy where they amputate you from the bellybutton down. I'm not depressed or sad…it's simply a way to end this torture. If I was a dog…I'd have been euthanised out of love to stop this cruelty. I completely agree with you that we must never give up but there comes a point when it's inhumane to stay like this. Xoxoxooxo

Thank you for the chat and input xox

 

[Ozzyno]

Thanks for your input. I've definitely exhausted every possible avenue. I live in excruciating pain and have for many years. It's degenerative and debilitating following several tragic surgical events. I've always been against suicide but I never knew such torture was possible day in day out.

Nothing helps and I've even looked into a hemicorporectomy where they amputate you from the bellybutton down. I'm not depressed or sad…it's simply a way to end this torture. If I was a dog…I'd have been euthanised out of love to stop this cruelty. I completely agree with you that we must never give up but there comes a point when it's inhumane to stay like this. Xoxoxooxo

Thank you for the chat and input xox

No I get it. I'm not telling you 'don't give up', I was just making sure you really don't have any options and if you feel that bad that's completely your choice and understandable. I really feel bad reading about stories like yours. Maybe in the future no one will suffer like that thanks to medicine and scientific progression. Send you hugs.

 

[easypeasy]

No I get it. I'm not telling you 'don't give up', I was just making sure you really don't have any options and if you feel that bad that's completely your choice and understandable. I really feel bad reading about stories like yours. Maybe in the future no one will suffer like that thanks to medicine and scientific progression. Send you hugs.

You're so lovely, and your comment wasn't rude. I agree with that mentality. It's common sense to exhaust every avenue. Thank you…you're smart :)

 

[Ozzyno]

You're so lovely, and your comment wasn't rude. I agree with that mentality. It's common sense to exhaust every avenue. Thank you…you're smart :)

Thanks, I needed that today

 

[Failed.Angel]

Hi I will make a note here so I can remember to edit or make a new comment to write later I need to go work

 

[TennTrixie]

@easypeasy hemicorporectomy.... I'd not heard of this, so I looked it up.... it sounds absolutely horrible....I'm sorry you're in such distress that you would consider this...

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

1. Should I wait until after Xmas?

I don't know what to say since I'm torn about whether to CTB before Christmas myself. I'm ready to go any day now, but it feels wrong and selfish to spoil the holidays for others. I also fear what people would think of me after that. But I'm suffering constantly and it's only getting worse as the holidays approach, so desperaton may outweigh those concerns.

2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

My wife has deeply, deeply betrayed me, but I could not bear the thought of dying without at least some degree of reconciliation with her, even if it was false. It's been hard, and I could only suppress so much of my true thoughts and feelings, but we reconciled enough to make a positive impact. I think it's worthwhile if you have the ability.

 

[Trav1989]

Eh, I can see your point of view OP but I did the same on my birthday month (when I was at my lowest) and then this rollercoaster of a life took an upturn while my life simultaneously grew busier until I put CRB on the back burner and here I am a few months later and still miserable yet lack the "drive" to go through with anything other than to live day by day.

I still feel as though a certain event in the near future that is upcoming may just give me the push I need though and it's full steam ahead from there.

My will and notes are finished and all of my other affairs (that matter to me) are as well though.

The only things left to do are to get that last push and coast off of it. I'll put up a goodbye post here at that point and log off/destroy my devices, grab my SN and some water along with my car keys and a pack of cigarettes and drive outside of town and head into the woods on foot and end things.

Haven't enjoyed this existence in years and have dealt with plenty of trauma so it will be great to finally CTB.

I may or may not wait until after New Year's, quite possible that I will for similar reasons to your own OP. My wife and I got back together a couple months ago, my parents are aging and my mother likely won't make it until the next one, and I haven't seen my brother in nearly six years and he will be present.

It would be kind of a dick move to just rain on the parade in such a way. I honestly feel as though I've been a member of the walking dead for quite a while now but I might just hang on a bit longer for them.

Then again, I might not.

Once I found out that my wife was pregnant with another man's child (one of over a dozen potential nameless partners in the span of her missed period alone) it pretty much broke me.

The DNA testing results should be back soon and once I know the child isn't mine for certain things will be easy to end.

If it is I will toss my SN that day and never consider CTN again as unlikely as the odds are for such to occur.

I was not to blame for my wife leaving, I waited for her to return from "finding herself" for a year and three months only for her to show up at my door and test pregnant two weeks later.

She also oddly brought up having a child and my opinions of it within hours of showing back up.

I'm not an idiot and I'm not the type to allow myself to be cucked which is why she left in the first place as she wanted an open marriage and refused and told her I value monogamy and honesty above all else in a marriage.

I also confronted her and asked to see her phone after she returned and she had been apparently fleeing her last fling as he was abusive so she likely assumed I'd be a better partner who is more stable for her pregnancy and to raise the child.

The fact is, I never wanted a child and she knew that and somehow she miraculously became pregnant despite using protection out of nowhere... Yeah okay.

Regardless, I'm not an asshole and I'm leaving her a good chunk of change so maybe she will have luck finding some other guy to help her through her pregnancy and childcare while I take the next train out of this existence.

I harbor no ill will towards her or anyone else and did my best in this life but if choosing to CTB is selfish, so be it.

Before the holidays, during them, or afterwards, I will do as I see fit. All I know is that this life is still on the shelf despite being well past it's "best by" date and everyone I have ever cared about or loved has taken advantage of me and/or betrayed me and I'm fucking sick of it.

 

[easypeasy]

Eh, I can see your point of view OP but I did the same on my birthday month (when I was at my lowest) and then this rollercoaster of a life took an upturn while my life simultaneously grew busier until I put CRB on the back burner and here I am a few months later and still miserable yet lack the "drive" to go through with anything other than to live day by day.

I still feel as though a certain event in the near future that is upcoming may just give me the push I need though and it's full steam ahead from there.

My will and notes are finished and all of my other affairs (that matter to me) are as well though.

The only things left to do are to get that last push and coast off of it. I'll put up a goodbye post here at that point and log off/destroy my devices, grab my SN and some water along with my car keys and a pack of cigarettes and drive outside of town and head into the woods on foot and end things.

Haven't enjoyed this existence in years and have dealt with plenty of trauma so it will be great to finally CTB.

I may or may not wait until after New Year's, quite possible that I will for similar reasons to your own OP. My wife and I got back together a couple months ago, my parents are aging and my mother likely won't make it until the next one, and I haven't seen my brother in nearly six years and he will be present.

It would be kind of a dick move to just rain on the parade in such a way. I honestly feel as though I've been a member of the walking dead for quite a while now but I might just hang on a bit longer for them.

Then again, I might not.

Once I found out that my wife was pregnant with another man's child (one of over a dozen potential nameless partners in the span of her missed period alone) it pretty much broke me.

The DNA testing results should be back soon and once I know the child isn't mine for certain things will be easy to end.

If it is I will toss my SN that day and never consider CTN again as unlikely as the odds are for such to occur.

I was not to blame for my wife leaving, I waited for her to return from "finding herself" for a year and three months only for her to show up at my door and test pregnant two weeks later.

She also oddly brought up having a child and my opinions of it within hours of showing back up.

I'm not an idiot and I'm not the type to allow myself to be cucked which is why she left in the first place as she wanted an open marriage and refused and told her I value monogamy and honesty above all else in a marriage.

I also confronted her and asked to see her phone after she returned and she had been apparently fleeing her last fling as he was abusive so she likely assumed I'd be a better partner who is more stable for her pregnancy and to raise the child.

The fact is, I never wanted a child and she knew that and somehow she miraculously became pregnant despite using protection out of nowhere... Yeah okay.

Regardless, I'm not an asshole and I'm leaving her a good chunk of change so maybe she will have luck finding some other guy to help her through her pregnancy and childcare while I take the next train out of this existence.

I harbor no ill will towards her or anyone else and did my best in this life but if choosing to CTB is selfish, so be it.

Before the holidays, during them, or afterwards, I will do as I see fit. All I know is that this life is still on the shelf despite being well past it's "best by" date and everyone I have ever cared about or loved has taken advantage of me and/or betrayed me and I'm fucking sick of it.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. One thing stood out to me quite strongly…the pain (I know pain is an understatement) you have and the urge to leave hinges entirely on your wife's actions.

We are considering the same desire to end it but for different reasons. You strike me as someone who values themself….knows they deserve better and don't settle to be treated badly. I would love the chance to start a fam8ly with somebody. I'm just curious…have you considered that there are billions of options to create a family and you never have to deal with people who cheat ever again?

I hope you don't mind my question…I'm just keen to understand what stops you letting her go and finding someone new? X much love

I don't know what to say since I'm torn about whether to CTB before Christmas myself. I'm ready to go any day now, but it feels wrong and selfish to spoil the holidays for others. I also fear what people would think of me after that. But I'm suffering constantly and it's only getting worse as the holidays approach, so desperaton may outweigh those concerns.


My wife has deeply, deeply betrayed me, but I could not bear the thought of dying without at least some degree of reconciliation with her, even if it was false. It's been hard, and I could only suppress so much of my true thoughts and feelings, but we reconciled enough to make a positive impact. I think it's worthwhile if you have the ability.

Your words rang so true….i can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing you are out there having the same thoughts as me. Xo

Hi I will make a note here so I can remember to edit or make a new comment to write later I need to go work

I would love to hear from you after work!

 

[Failed.Angel]

I wanted to write yesterday but I had a shit day on my shit job and I just laid down after showering and couldn't do much..

It is really awful how people insist how they know how it is and how they went the same as you even if they clearly don't. I always knew this but since my isolation became stronger this year, I decided to just open up to 3 strangers I meet in person because of some courses I was doing more of a social experiment than anything but looking for just some acceptance.
It was of course a big mistake, no matter how hard your situation is, being it pain, broken mentally or and financially "all is going to pass" and even if you try to show them they are wrong and their situation or our reasons are nothing a like they shut down for the moment but will repeat themselves again latter.
You just have to live and they feel they have to say anything to confirm that even if doesn't make any sense.
Sometimes I lost my cool with this people. "Ok so you are going to send me money or pay for my studies, or give me a better job?" Or "I do not want to die because my partner does not want to be with me, I have told you if anything I lived more but I have depression for years my life is shit and I am destroying my health with alcohol and cigarettes I have no idea how I could even get the minimal I want for my life but I assure you it will take years and I will destroy my health to make it there and is not even where I want to be, and in this present back in this shithole I simply have no life here."

Stuff like that, that they shut up for the time being but later will say again how it passes haha it is just funny,

I also feel isolated, but the person I would like to share my time with do not care about me any more. And is hard for me to feel connected to someone or make friends.

That being said my biggest reason to die is ultimately years of depression where I had on 2 good years, I failed so hard to maintain these years and the person who valued me the most. Not to mention, I am completely financially crippled, I can't even live in this shithole. And no reason to fight any further. Nothing I do here matters, my kit to go is on it way and so I am also thinking after testing everything when to die, where etc.
Like not die inside my family home, we do not get along and I don't care about them, but I don't want to stain the flat. So I was thinking I have to go to a hotel motel or something. About the day I don't care about this dates like Christmas (I was enjoying for real this stuff when I had my life partner before losing her but now I just came back the same.)
But I understand you not wanting to ruin special days for other people, as I do, how you can't take any longer. I think I am in the same boat as you on this reasoning. When the stuff I need to CTB arrived, I feel like I can not wait but I don't want to ruin other people days.
So what day would be the best? I thought about my own birthday that would be in March, but that feels like such a stretch and every day has been so much torture and lack of ways to recover from this situation or recover my relationship on top of being alone. I would be ok alone with I was at least living in a good place doing the stuff I like, but that is far away and almost unreachable.

It is hard

I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
On your case is difficult if you feel so inclined to save other people's holidays I understand and if you can wait for first week of January. But you also seem to have a limited supply of medication to help your pain, so that is extremely concerning. And you have been fighting for years like you said, so there is not much I can tell you to help you change your mind, but if you suffer for so long. Is it really worth to deal with the scenario of this people that visit you and make you uncomfortable?
It has to be put in some kind of balance, if it is so bad already that no way to change things, I would see how it would better suit me and my values. Waiting for the first week of next year could be the best choice to suit you, if you could get a little more of the medication to stand the pain a bit longer until this time would be ideal.
But if the people that visit you, truly make you feel worse, I wonder if it is worth to really wait to listen to the same recording they will give to you? And if you can stand them, is it worth to stand the pain when the medication is over?

It is hard, but maybe with you can answer this question can help you decide?

2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

Are you doing this for yourself or for her? Or both?
I had a terrible relationship with my mother too and now I am back with her and she is basically the only person I have after my partner cutting ties with me. I barely get along, we cannot speak about anything serious and she is the kind to make a show and scream.
Personally I am grateful my situation could be worse I would be streets, still I am not so close to my mother as many bad times came from our relationship. I consider her enough to not end all in her flat, but I don't care or feel a connection enough to leave a letter. But she knows well how much I suffer and how much pain she made me go throw and she has no accountability and in a way she is just like the 3 people I mentioned earlier
You have to live because you have to live, don't matter with you don't live what you want or don't have the resources or the mind or any motivation or pain free.
I am just telling about myself so maybe you can look at me and think how it is for you?
Because if your mother fails you so much, does it really matter to "fake" that you two are "friends" again?
But if is something that bring you peace, why not? Authentic or not, if this brings you some closure or peace of mind can be something good and considerate even for her who will stay and you to go. So could be something good
The way I keep the peace with my mother is just having small talk and keeping at that, even if normally I would probably not even say anything.

Sorry I don't have an answer for your question I try to just help you think using me as an example, sorry for the long text and I am a bit drunk to endure work latter
Thank you I hope you find a good way and peace, if you need feel free to talk to me.

 

[easypeasy]

I wanted to write yesterday but I had a shit day on my shit job and I just laid down after showering and couldn't do much..

It is really awful how people insist how they know how it is and how they went the same as you even if they clearly don't. I always knew this but since my isolation became stronger this year, I decided to just open up to 3 strangers I meet in person because of some courses I was doing more of a social experiment than anything but looking for just some acceptance.
It was of course a big mistake, no matter how hard your situation is, being it pain, broken mentally or and financially "all is going to pass" and even if you try to show them they are wrong and their situation or our reasons are nothing a like they shut down for the moment but will repeat themselves again latter.
You just have to live and they feel they have to say anything to confirm that even if doesn't make any sense.
Sometimes I lost my cool with this people. "Ok so you are going to send me money or pay for my studies, or give me a better job?" Or "I do not want to die because my partner does not want to be with me, I have told you if anything I lived more but I have depression for years my life is shit and I am destroying my health with alcohol and cigarettes I have no idea how I could even get the minimal I want for my life but I assure you it will take years and I will destroy my health to make it there and is not even where I want to be, and in this present back in this shithole I simply have no life here."

Stuff like that, that they shut up for the time being but later will say again how it passes haha it is just funny,

I also feel isolated, but the person I would like to share my time with do not care about me any more. And is hard for me to feel connected to someone or make friends.

That being said my biggest reason to die is ultimately years of depression where I had on 2 good years, I failed so hard to maintain these years and the person who valued me the most. Not to mention, I am completely financially crippled, I can't even live in this shithole. And no reason to fight any further. Nothing I do here matters, my kit to go is on it way and so I am also thinking after testing everything when to die, where etc.
Like not die inside my family home, we do not get along and I don't care about them, but I don't want to stain the flat. So I was thinking I have to go to a hotel motel or something. About the day I don't care about this dates like Christmas (I was enjoying for real this stuff when I had my life partner before losing her but now I just came back the same.)
But I understand you not wanting to ruin special days for other people, as I do, how you can't take any longer. I think I am in the same boat as you on this reasoning. When the stuff I need to CTB arrived, I feel like I can not wait but I don't want to ruin other people days.
So what day would be the best? I thought about my own birthday that would be in March, but that feels like such a stretch and every day has been so much torture and lack of ways to recover from this situation or recover my relationship on top of being alone. I would be ok alone with I was at least living in a good place doing the stuff I like, but that is far away and almost unreachable.

It is hard

1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
On your case is difficult if you feel so inclined to save other people's holidays I understand and if you can wait for first week of January. But you also seem to have a limited supply of medication to help your pain, so that is extremely concerning. And you have been fighting for years like you said, so there is not much I can tell you to help you change your mind, but if you suffer for so long. Is it really worth to deal with the scenario of this people that visit you and make you uncomfortable?
It has to be put in some kind of balance, if it is so bad already that no way to change things, I would see how it would better suit me and my values. Waiting for the first week of next year could be the best choice to suit you, if you could get a little more of the medication to stand the pain a bit longer until this time would be ideal.
But if the people that visit you, truly make you feel worse, I wonder if it is worth to really wait to listen to the same recording they will give to you? And if you can stand them, is it worth to stand the pain when the medication is over?

It is hard, but maybe with you can answer this question can help you decide?

2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

Are you doing this for yourself or for her? Or both?
I had a terrible relationship with my mother too and now I am back with her and she is basically the only person I have after my partner cutting ties with me. I barely get along, we cannot speak about anything serious and she is the kind to make a show and scream.
Personally I am grateful my situation could be worse I would be streets, still I am not so close to my mother as many bad times came from our relationship. I consider her enough to not end all in her flat, but I don't care or feel a connection enough to leave a letter. But she knows well how much I suffer and how much pain she made me go throw and she has no accountability and in a way she is just like the 3 people I mentioned earlier
You have to live because you have to live, don't matter with you don't live what you want or don't have the resources or the mind or any motivation or pain free.
I am just telling about myself so maybe you can look at me and think how it is for you?
Because if your mother fails you so much, does it really matter to "fake" that you two are "friends" again?
But if is something that bring you peace, why not? Authentic or not, if this brings you some closure or peace of mind can be something good and considerate even for her who will stay and you to go. So could be something good
The way I keep the peace with my mother is just having small talk and keeping at that, even if normally I would probably not even say anything.

Sorry I don't have an answer for your question I try to just help you think using me as an example, sorry for the long text and I am a bit drunk to endure work latter
Thank you I hope you find a good way and peace, if you need feel free to talk to me.

You're very kind and smart….i really appreciate you sharing so much with me…it's a relaxing feeling to meet people like you. I agree with a lot of what you said, in terms of waiting until the first week of Jan. I should be able to acquire some more diazepam if I wait, anyway. I think it's the right thing to do.

Because I'm in physical pain, I have an excuse if I don't want visitors or I simply don't want to chat to certain people….so I can easily use that.

A simple text to my Mum saying I love her with kisses and hugs will suffice. I think I should wait…thanks for talking it out with me. The reason I want to make sure I don't upset my Mum is that she has deeply betrayed me and I think she may blame herself for my death. I cannot share what she did. It's too severe. But it's no harm to me to send a friendly message. Also, my brother will call me names after I'm gone…and accuse me of being a nuisance. I simply want to pass with the least friction as possible.

I've since considered going to a motel or hotel to ctb with SN, as opposed to my rental. I don't want to cause issues with the lease or the owners of the home..so I might create another post asking for advice on that.

I really enjoyed listening to you :) xo

 

[Queen B]

Today I finally have what I need to exit. It's taken a few years to get it all together and research things. The only thing stopping me is the proximity to Christmas. (I will likely make it a very sad Christmas for others).

I have two things to consider..
1. Should I wait until after Xmas?
2. Should I do a false reconciliation with my Mother who has betrayed me and continues to betray me? I don't want trouble I just want to leave but I want to be authentic?

This does mean enduring almost a month more of worsening painful symptoms and isolation. The isolation is a choice, as those close to me often say the wrong thing. For example…they comment "I know what you're feeling". Which is absurd and one or two people acknowledge this is insane. I have no issue being alone…but I know people will want to visit close to Christmas Day as it makes them feel like hey are being helpful. Unfortunately I don't want them to visit as they make things worse. Most have the wrong impression that I'm alone and may be sad…but I actually feel happier if they don't visit. I have a couple of friends who I love to see, so I'm definitely not lonely…it's a choice.

if I Ctb close to Xmas, my best friend has young kids and I don't want to affect their Christmas now and years to come. I have left them some money in my will but I know it's irrelevant if people are making funeral plans at Xmas. I've mostly made peace with leaving in general because I have fought hard and let people help if they want to. They just can't or don't have it in them.

I really want to ctb before Xmas but I wonder if I should hang on until January. Sadly, I risk using all my Diazepam up between now and then, as it helps a lot with the physical pain. I've made sure not to ctb close to people's birthdays that I love……so at the moment, I have a window between now and Xmas. I feel considerably worse by the day and I have been on a rapid decline for 7 - 8 yrs but specifically in the last few years when a surgical attempt to help left me in a torturous state of being.

Any wise words you have to offer …. I would appreciate. Xoxo

Don't do it around the holidays it'll always ruined it forever. Wait till January or a week after Christmas.

 

[VoidBlessed]

You make a really good point and it's admirable you're showing so much compassion to your loved ones even in such pain. I think it ends up being a balance, where if it's worth it I would choose to wait, but if waiting becomes unbearable to the point where it's not worth it anymore, meaning I did my best to wait, I would personally be ok CTBing. After all, people die around Christmas time every year from accidents or disease or old age, and I think suicide falls squarely into "natural causes" as well.

 

[Coal54321]

I'm concerned about the same thing but it's really difficult for me to go on like this. The next chance I will have is a month from now and I don't think I can handle waiting that long

 

[easypeasy]

You make a really good point and it's admirable you're showing so much compassion to your loved ones even in such pain. I think it ends up being a balance, where if it's worth it I would choose to wait, but if waiting becomes unbearable to the point where it's not worth it anymore, meaning I did my best to wait, I would personally be ok CTBing. After all, people die around Christmas time every year from accidents or disease or old age, and I think suicide falls squarely into "natural causes" as well.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply… you and the other comments on my post have been so so so helpful….its really relaxed me and helped.

I'm concerned about the same thing but it's really difficult for me to go on like this. The next chance I will have is a month from now and I don't think I can handle waiting that long

The next chance you have is a month away for me, too. I'm going to try and tough it out. These comments helped me make that choice.

 

[easypeasy]

Don't do it around the holidays it'll always ruined it forever. Wait till January or a week after Christmas.

Thank you sweet human. Smart advice. I'll make it work.

 

[CogitoMori]

Personally I'm waiting until after new years

 

[Kta1994]

Yeah i didnt even wanna get to this point but now that im here i have to wait till next month

 

[Trav1989]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. One thing stood out to me quite strongly…the pain (I know pain is an understatement) you have and the urge to leave hinges entirely on your wife's actions.

We are considering the same desire to end it but for different reasons. You strike me as someone who values themself….knows they deserve better and don't settle to be treated badly. I would love the chance to start a fam8ly with somebody. I'm just curious…have you considered that there are billions of options to create a family and you never have to deal with people who cheat ever again?

I hope you don't mind my question…I'm just keen to understand what stops you letting her go and finding someone new? X much love

Your words rang so true….i can't tell you how much I appreciate knowing you are out there having the same thoughts as me. Xo

I would love to hear from you after work!

I'm honestly open to looking for someone who is faithful but I've been cheated on three times prior because I'm too nice and it's became an issue because I'm incapable of changing that. The sad part is that nearly every woman I've dated has came back with moderate/severe baggage after "finding themselves" so I honestly think that if there is some all-knowing deity they are playing me for a fool at this point. I'm incapable of dealing with unfaithfulness and lies yet that is all I get despite providing a home and board and all the necessities needed to have a decent life. I'm pretty much cursed to be an island on a trade route where the shipwrecked find solace until they move on and I'm just done with it honestly. I'm exhausted when it comes to being used and abused because I'm a decent looking guy and am an admittedly good person (if such exists).

It's fucking screwed up how everything in my life has went, yeah I'd date again if I found somebody who was loyal and didn't command me to spank and choke them after they slept around with half a dozen men and make me uncomfortable in the bedroom. All I want is love and some form of being content and it seems impossible to get that in this life.

I'm not really egotistical but I'm seriously better than this and I feel like I'm playing poker and have been dealt the worst hand possible in certain ways. I'm physically fine, mentally fine, but emotionally distraught from this mess and it's been rough.

Sorry for venting, just how I am. I appreciate you and your post a lot, it's helping me deal with things in some ways and it means more than you can imagine. Sadly (or not) I will still likely CTB soon because of the situation I'm in but if some angel came across my path and gifted me a person who was like me and was monogamous, honest, caring, and kind I'd probably be the happiest man on the planet.

It's just most likely never going to happen, I attract women younger than me and they take advantage of me and older women aren't really my type because I want to have a real family someday but I know in my heart such won't happen because no woman is content with living in a small house with a guy who lacks ambition but is overflowing with everything else.

 

[easypeasy]

I'm honestly open to looking for someone who is faithful but I've been cheated on three times prior because I'm too nice and it's became an issue because I'm incapable of changing that. The sad part is that nearly every woman I've dated has came back with moderate/severe baggage after "finding themselves" so I honestly think that if there is some all-knowing deity they are playing me for a fool at this point. I'm incapable of dealing with unfaithfulness and lies yet that is all I get despite providing a home and board and all the necessities needed to have a decent life. I'm pretty much cursed to be an island on a trade route where the shipwrecked find solace until they move on and I'm just done with it honestly. I'm exhausted when it comes to being used and abused because I'm a decent looking guy and am an admittedly good person (if such exists).

It's fucking screwed up how everything in my life has went, yeah I'd date again if I found somebody who was loyal and didn't command me to spank and choke them after they slept around with half a dozen men and make me uncomfortable in the bedroom. All I want is love and some form of being content and it seems impossible to get that in this life.

I'm not really egotistical but I'm seriously better than this and I feel like I'm playing poker and have been dealt the worst hand possible in certain ways. I'm physically fine, mentally fine, but emotionally distraught from this mess and it's been rough.

Sorry for venting, just how I am. I appreciate you and your post a lot, it's helping me deal with things in some ways and it means more than you can imagine. Sadly (or not) I will still likely CTB soon because of the situation I'm in but if some angel came across my path and gifted me a person who was like me and was monogamous, honest, caring, and kind I'd probably be the happiest man on the planet.

It's just most likely never going to happen, I attract women younger than me and they take advantage of me and older women aren't really my type because I want to have a real family someday but I know in my heart such won't happen because no woman is content with living in a small house with a guy who lacks ambition but is overflowing with everything else.

I'm sorry that your experience with women has left you so feeling so hopeless. Sadly, life is like that for a lot of people. I've lost count of how many guys were dishonest with me…and were still seeing their ex. They just wanted me and did anything to have me even if meant ruining my life. But that's life, sometimes. It's a shame that you need to meet someone in order to have a reason to live but I understand the need to feel loved that you have.

I go through life knowing a lot of people lie and let you down. It's human nature. It's not personal or anything you did wrong, in my opinion. I apologise if my words frustrate you or they aren't the right thing to say. I do know that the only way forwards if you've lost trust in people is to repair yourself. It sounds like you need a friend first and a lover second.

I'm not able to anymore but I used to throw myself into bettering myself…go to the gym, find a faith (even if it's listening to uplifting podcasts… I listened to a lot of Buddhist talks). Gaining muscle will help on a biological level not just a physical one, unless you're physically unable to get around of course.

Again….. I am so so sorry for what you went through. Life really is difficult, and I'm sorry if I'm saying the wrong thing. I just know we can't expect others to make us happy … that's giving our power away.

I was a victim of the worst medical negligence seen in my city but I still need to see Doctors for treatment… although it's on my terms and I go as little as possible.

Forgive me if things I've said are not helpful. I figure that we may as well make our lives the best as possible while we are still here.

 

[Tig]

I think you are incredible,
For what have been through, and you still show kindness and caring to others.....
I'm spellbound.

No words to describe you, just tears rolling down face,
Both and Happy and Sad.
Just speechless

 

[Failed.Angel]

You're very kind and smart….i really appreciate you sharing so much with me…it's a relaxing feeling to meet people like you. I agree with a lot of what you said, in terms of waiting until the first week of Jan. I should be able to acquire some more diazepam if I wait, anyway. I think it's the right thing to do.

Because I'm in physical pain, I have an excuse if I don't want visitors or I simply don't want to chat to certain people….so I can easily use that.

A simple text to my Mum saying I love her with kisses and hugs will suffice. I think I should wait…thanks for talking it out with me. The reason I want to make sure I don't upset my Mum is that she has deeply betrayed me and I think she may blame herself for my death. I cannot share what she did. It's too severe. But it's no harm to me to send a friendly message. Also, my brother will call me names after I'm gone…and accuse me of being a nuisance. I simply want to pass with the least friction as possible.

I've since considered going to a motel or hotel to ctb with SN, as opposed to my rental. I don't want to cause issues with the lease or the owners of the home..so I might create another post asking for advice on that.

I really enjoyed listening to you :) xo

Thank you for your kind words I maybe kind but definitely not smart or I wouldn't had fucked up my life so hard I would be in this situation x)...

I hope you can organize yourself and get more Diazepam soon, the end of the year is in the corner and maybe harder to get your extra medication on time.

If a text can solve the issue with your mother do it and using your condition to cut of the visit from the people who annoys you is a possibility another win!

I feel the same about the hotel/motel situation, we may cause trouble for them but we can't perfect all corners after all...

Nice talking to you, I wish you success)

 

[easypeasy]

I think you are incredible,
For what have been through, and you still show kindness and caring to others.....
I'm spellbound.

No words to describe you, just tears rolling down face,
Both and Happy and Sad.
Just speechless

Wow. I'm speechless. Your compliments are sincere and full of love. Much respect to you, friend.