D
draw a circle
out.
- Apr 10, 2020
- 300
I'm planning to CTB because I feel that this is the right time and that I've waited too long. But before that, I want to tell one of my best friend about this because they've been my friend for about ten years, and honestly if I could find some way to be better I want to try it first. Like I could do it without telling anyone just to spite them, but deep down I want my second chance. We have been through things together. I won't say that I'm always there for them but I definitely try my best to be. So it makes sense that I want them to be here for this, right?
But my head keeps telling me that they will toss me aside if I come up to them about me being suicidal. They used to be depressed and suicidal, and probably still is, but they're doing better now. My friend is someone who gets used by their friends a lot back then, and they're starting to learn how to put themself first. I'm on board with this because sometimes I have to be the one to call them out when they're sacrificing themself to satisfy people. And yet I feel like if I say that I'm suicidal and I need someone to be there as my friend so I don't die, I'm worried that this will be a trigger to them and make them stop talking to me at all. Like what if they think I'm not a good person to be around, now that they have a bunch of supportive, non-suicidal group of friends online (this is a relatively new thing) I will look depressing compared to them. I can't help it; I AM feeling depressed.
I'm not asking them to be my therapist and force them to listen to my problems. I just want them to talk to me. They ignored me a lot lately, though they claim to also ignore other people because sometimes they're tired and just want some alone time (very understandable, I'm the same). But this has gone for far too long and too often for me that I feel like we're getting distant. I don't have the emotional energy to reach out to my other friends because they won't understand anyway. Also, kinda personal but they skipped my birthday dinner for no reason other than they're stressed about school and need a day off. I'm still angry about this because I don't want to celebrate the day I chickened out to kill myself last year and it's a hard time for me. And it's just one day in a year, one or two hours in one day. School hasn't even started yet.
Maybe it's just my head talking. I'm just going apeshit with my fantasies because that's what I do. Maybe they will help me after all. But talking to them scares me greatly. I keep thinking about what if they won't even listen. What if they blow me off? What if they told me "do what you want" and let me die? What if they think I used suicide as a threat to keep them close (I don't, I won't do this, but I'm not exactly level headed and not sure if I can show that I meant no harm)?
Tl;dr I want to tell my friend that I'm planning a suicide, but I don't want to be seen as toxic and risk triggering them. I want them to be there as I try to find help but not sure if they would want to help me. Should I tell them about my feelings on this?
But my head keeps telling me that they will toss me aside if I come up to them about me being suicidal. They used to be depressed and suicidal, and probably still is, but they're doing better now. My friend is someone who gets used by their friends a lot back then, and they're starting to learn how to put themself first. I'm on board with this because sometimes I have to be the one to call them out when they're sacrificing themself to satisfy people. And yet I feel like if I say that I'm suicidal and I need someone to be there as my friend so I don't die, I'm worried that this will be a trigger to them and make them stop talking to me at all. Like what if they think I'm not a good person to be around, now that they have a bunch of supportive, non-suicidal group of friends online (this is a relatively new thing) I will look depressing compared to them. I can't help it; I AM feeling depressed.
I'm not asking them to be my therapist and force them to listen to my problems. I just want them to talk to me. They ignored me a lot lately, though they claim to also ignore other people because sometimes they're tired and just want some alone time (very understandable, I'm the same). But this has gone for far too long and too often for me that I feel like we're getting distant. I don't have the emotional energy to reach out to my other friends because they won't understand anyway. Also, kinda personal but they skipped my birthday dinner for no reason other than they're stressed about school and need a day off. I'm still angry about this because I don't want to celebrate the day I chickened out to kill myself last year and it's a hard time for me. And it's just one day in a year, one or two hours in one day. School hasn't even started yet.
Maybe it's just my head talking. I'm just going apeshit with my fantasies because that's what I do. Maybe they will help me after all. But talking to them scares me greatly. I keep thinking about what if they won't even listen. What if they blow me off? What if they told me "do what you want" and let me die? What if they think I used suicide as a threat to keep them close (I don't, I won't do this, but I'm not exactly level headed and not sure if I can show that I meant no harm)?
Tl;dr I want to tell my friend that I'm planning a suicide, but I don't want to be seen as toxic and risk triggering them. I want them to be there as I try to find help but not sure if they would want to help me. Should I tell them about my feelings on this?