I have one person I trust enough to share with her my situation, but I am not really certain about it. Maybe my pain will be too much for her to carry or something. I do not want to bother anyone really. It just seems that talking with somebody would be nice and would help me a lot, but I do not trust a lot of people and my parents are not even on the list of the people I would want to talk to.
Oh sweet friend, I understand this. I have desperately wanted to confide in someone who I know in real life to just sit with me and help me feel less alone - it's like what sponsors do for addicts, right? I have one friend who's in the 12 step program & we've been through a lot of shit in our friendship so I thought he was a safe person to reach out to, which I did today (he's been in AA long enough that he's a sponsor for people so I thought he could play that role in this moment). It turns out, unless they've experienced it themselves, most people hear suicide and immediately think, 911 or professional help, no matter how well they know you.
I wish so desperately we had support groups like AA or NA, because we know what we need is other people around us to sit with the feelings when they're so overwhelming and strong - we don't need people telling us what to do or telling us we're scaring them just talking about the thoughts.
I want to tell you you should tell someone in your real life about the situation you're going through, but I would be wary of who it is - I know the feeling of not wanting to burden someone. the only 'safe' person I think would be someone else who understands the power of suicidal ideation and the intensity of how it works its hell on us. The solution is other people in real life, who can sit there and hold our sadness with us, and sadly, our societies haven't evolved that far.
The last thing you need right now is to end up in a cold concrete sterile room chained to a bed desperate to be freed, because nobody there treats you like a person. I am praying there is someone compassionate and understanding in your life who can be there with you.
I'm right there with you on not being able to discuss with parents. My relationship with mine is fraught at best - my mother was my primary abuser growing up and my father turned a blind eye. They implicitly acknowledge that my experience was real, but they still wish I'd just "get over it." My sister knew I was feeling very dangerously dark last week and sent an email saying she and my mom could fly out for the weekend if I wanted but I declined the offer because I cannot see my mother without having a panic attack. So they were going to fly out here to be with me, but when I said no, I didn't even get a single phone call, text, nothing.
The only people who understand are us, the walking dead, the ones who have experienced this pain and understand how it works. I've lately started calling suicidal ideation an autoimmune disorder of the brain - it's attacking the host, you, us. I think the 'flares' when we're in the acute phase of it can be survived if we have the right people in place - and the right people are non-judgmental, understanding, and compassionate.
I pray you will find someone like that in real life. It's other people who largely have driven us to this place - mistreatment by fellow humans is a punishment worse than death - but sadly, it's only other people who will save us in these moments.
Holding your heart in my arms.
