Venting Should I talk to my sperm donor before I ctb?

[strawberrylaces]

I haven't seen or spoke to the male I spawned from for nearly 2 years now (I'm planning to ctb around November/December time, not fully sure yet) and I'm vaguely considering seeing him again despite a long history of him just generally being a shit person.

If I weren't planning to ctb, the only reasons I could think of to ever see him again would be to use him to trigger my eating disorder more (imo he's a major contributing factor to why I have one in the first place) or so I could move into his flat and not bother anyone I actually care about with my self-destructive habits. Or MAYBE when I'm feeling particularly delusional I think about trying to have a good relationship with him again, but thats about it.

All my life he's been an angry, judgmental, purposefully ignorant and scary person. My earliest childhood memory is grabbing my younger sister and dragging her under the dinner table with me because I was scared his yelling and screaming was going to cause an earthquake (I was like 6 it made sense in my head lol).

The last time I saw him, after we'd got into a massive argument, I felt like he was barely holding himself back from being physically violent with me and he's literally since told my sister that he wishes he'd beat me when he had the chance.

I don't want to make him feel better by seeing him before I ctb, I don't even really know why I want to see him before doing so tbh. He's said plenty of other awful stuff about me behind my back since I stopped talking to him, I'm not dumb enough to hope he's changed or worked on himself because I know he hasn't.

I just really don't know. Maybe it'd give me a sense of closure before I go? I'm not really concerned for my physical safety because.. reasons.. but I don't know man aaaa

~another ramble over~

 

[Thornless Rose]

If you go see him without any expectation, you risk very little disappointment.
I can't tell you why you might want to see him, as I am not you, but I think it's reasonable to give it time to assess :
- what you expect out of it
- what you risk from it
- how do you feel about seeing him or not

Don't take my advice too much to heart, I'm just a stranger on the internet.
Stay safe :)

 

[nadia225]

I haven't seen or spoke to the male I spawned from for nearly 2 years now (I'm planning to ctb around November/December time, not fully sure yet) and I'm vaguely considering seeing him again despite a long history of him just generally being a shit person.

If I weren't planning to ctb, the only reasons I could think of to ever see him again would be to use him to trigger my eating disorder more (imo he's a major contributing factor to why I have one in the first place) or so I could move into his flat and not bother anyone I actually care about with my self-destructive habits. Or MAYBE when I'm feeling particularly delusional I think about trying to have a good relationship with him again, but thats about it.

All my life he's been an angry, judgmental, purposefully ignorant and scary person. My earliest childhood memory is grabbing my younger sister and dragging her under the dinner table with me because I was scared his yelling and screaming was going to cause an earthquake (I was like 6 it made sense in my head lol).

The last time I saw him, after we'd got into a massive argument, I felt like he was barely holding himself back from being physically violent with me and he's literally since told my sister that he wishes he'd beat me when he had the chance.

I don't want to make him feel better by seeing him before I ctb, I don't even really know why I want to see him before doing so tbh. He's said plenty of other awful stuff about me behind my back since I stopped talking to him, I'm not dumb enough to hope he's changed or worked on himself because I know he hasn't.

I just really don't know. Maybe it'd give me a sense of closure before I go? I'm not really concerned for my physical safety because.. reasons.. but I don't know man aaaa

~another ramble over~

Why cause more unnecessary anguish for yourself in your last moments. Somebody who is filled with so much misery as it seems and lack empathy for you in the first place and seemingly himself can not provide you anything of peace before you leave. It's like returning to a toxic ex that's abused you and is the cause for most of your trauma because they dealt with shitty things, you think that they are going to all the sudden have new found empathy and compassion when you reach out to THEM? Of course not. If they were then he probably would have tried to say something to you already and you obvious have no respect for him as you are referring to him as a "sperm donor" so what positive event could possibly come out if that. But do what you feel is right in your heart and lead with good intentions and no expectations if you do want to reach out. Really identify with yourself why you deem it necessary or plausible in the first place…when tend to ask others these questions when deep down we are aware of the reasons why and have the answers ourselves. So maybe take some time and ask yourself and answer yourself honestly to really get the real truth to what you seek. I know you may just be looking for insight but if we don't regard ourselves first sometimes we can be leading with others insight leading to a undesirable result. Good luck.