BlueWidow
Visionary
- Oct 6, 2019
- 2,179
I had a failed OD last January. Then I found this site sometime around March and I started lurking, but I didn't join until last month. Pretty much all of my other attempts to ctb have been ODs, so I thought I'd try something different and I spent most of the spring and summer exploring the night night method.
I could never get the hang of doing it, so I went back to searching for something else.
After I joined, I discovered SN and decided to make that my method.
It seems to have a better chance of working that any of my previous OD attempts. I like that there is a regime I can follow. I've spent the last month gathering my SN supplies, doing research into the method, and getting my plan in place. Throughout this entire time, I haven't had any worries about whoever is going to find me or how it's going to affect anybody because most of the people that would've been affected are already dead. There are a handful of people that may be affected, the main person being my sister-in-law. I intend to put a note on my door telling whoever finds me not to open the door, but to instead call the police and let them be the only ones that see my body. I figure if I die in my own house in my own bed, and I leave my photo ID as well as other identification type papers like birth certificates and such near my body, they shouldn't need a person to identify me. However, I don't know if that's really true or if they still need a person's confirmation. If I had my way, the police would come in and positively ID me through photos and papers only, and then they would immediately call the funeral home which would come and take my body away and I would be immediately cremated. I'm going to leave a note stating that I want no funeral, no memorial, no obituary.
I just want to be immediately cremated, placed next to my husband, & forgotten. If it was up to me, the minute I died, everyone would forget that they knew me.
I don't want anyone to be traumatized by being forced to look at my body.
Also, I am planning to ctb sometime before Thanksgiving, hopefully. However, in recent days I have been thinking about how this will ruin the holiday season for my sister-in-law and the other people that might be upset.
I would've preferred to go in July or August, or even as late as September. Unfortunately, at that point in time, I was still struggling with the night night method. If I don't do it before Thanksgiving, I'll probably end up having to wait until early next year because I definitely won't want to ruin things the closer it gets to Christmas, even though the Christmas season is what I'm trying to avoid the most. As I've stated in other threads, the period between Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve is the single worst period of time in the entire year for me. This period of time also contains my wedding anniversary which is the single worst day for me of the entire year, with New Year's Eve being the second worst because those were the 2 days that my husband and I liked to celebrate the most each year and those were the 2 days that, no matter what, we spent them together alone. I've already had 2 holiday seasons without him and I really don't wanna go through a 3rd. On top of all that, I found out recently that some of his relatives will be coming to visit in January and I know they're going to want to stay with me. I'll have to go out and do things with them when I won't want to, and they'll be in my house and it's just an experience that I don't want to have. I don't want them here, but of course I can't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings and they would get all offended. And since they're coming all the way across the country, they are most likely going to be here for the majority of the month of January. That means my plans will get pushed back even further to February. Alrhough February would be an excellent month for me to do it because it's both the month of my husband's birthday and the day that my mother passed away, which is what started me on this road to hell when I was only three years old, but I don't want to wait that long and have to go through all the things I just mentioned-ie. another holiday season and family visit.
I'm torn and I keep going back-and-forth as to what I want to do.
Part of me wants to go now so I don't have to have the above experiences, but part of me is saying it's going to be more traumatic for those I leave behind because it's the holiday season.
It's frustrating because I don't know what to do and it's made even worse because up until just a few days ago I didn't have any worries about any of this. I don't know if I've started worrying now because I was so focused on other parts of my plan before that I didn't think of it until now, or what's going on.
I have absolutely no reservations about ctb. At this point it's just a matter of when. Do I do it now and do what I want and let the chips fall where they may for everybody else, or do I put everyone else ahead of myself and wait. I realize they're going to be traumatized to some degree, possibly, no matter when I do it, but at least if I wait until February I won't be ruining the holiday season for them.
On the other hand, I feel like if this was reversed, no one would be worrying about traumatizing me at all. And these are the same people who, last year when I was going through one of the worst and most stressful times of my entire life (the aftermath of my husband's death) and I was begging them all for help, none of them came to help me. Therefore, I'm a bit upset with myself for being so concerned with them because they never showed any concern for me when I needed them. I've been told by therapists that in my family I played the role of the doormat. I try very hard not to play that role, but for some reason I always let people treat me like dirt and still worry about how my actions are going to affect them.
I just don't seem to know how to stop myself.
Anyway, thanks for reading about my dilemma. I know, in the end, I'll have to be the one that makes my own mind up about this, but if anyone has any thoughts on the subject, I'm open to any comments.
I could never get the hang of doing it, so I went back to searching for something else.
After I joined, I discovered SN and decided to make that my method.
It seems to have a better chance of working that any of my previous OD attempts. I like that there is a regime I can follow. I've spent the last month gathering my SN supplies, doing research into the method, and getting my plan in place. Throughout this entire time, I haven't had any worries about whoever is going to find me or how it's going to affect anybody because most of the people that would've been affected are already dead. There are a handful of people that may be affected, the main person being my sister-in-law. I intend to put a note on my door telling whoever finds me not to open the door, but to instead call the police and let them be the only ones that see my body. I figure if I die in my own house in my own bed, and I leave my photo ID as well as other identification type papers like birth certificates and such near my body, they shouldn't need a person to identify me. However, I don't know if that's really true or if they still need a person's confirmation. If I had my way, the police would come in and positively ID me through photos and papers only, and then they would immediately call the funeral home which would come and take my body away and I would be immediately cremated. I'm going to leave a note stating that I want no funeral, no memorial, no obituary.
I just want to be immediately cremated, placed next to my husband, & forgotten. If it was up to me, the minute I died, everyone would forget that they knew me.
I don't want anyone to be traumatized by being forced to look at my body.
Also, I am planning to ctb sometime before Thanksgiving, hopefully. However, in recent days I have been thinking about how this will ruin the holiday season for my sister-in-law and the other people that might be upset.
I would've preferred to go in July or August, or even as late as September. Unfortunately, at that point in time, I was still struggling with the night night method. If I don't do it before Thanksgiving, I'll probably end up having to wait until early next year because I definitely won't want to ruin things the closer it gets to Christmas, even though the Christmas season is what I'm trying to avoid the most. As I've stated in other threads, the period between Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve is the single worst period of time in the entire year for me. This period of time also contains my wedding anniversary which is the single worst day for me of the entire year, with New Year's Eve being the second worst because those were the 2 days that my husband and I liked to celebrate the most each year and those were the 2 days that, no matter what, we spent them together alone. I've already had 2 holiday seasons without him and I really don't wanna go through a 3rd. On top of all that, I found out recently that some of his relatives will be coming to visit in January and I know they're going to want to stay with me. I'll have to go out and do things with them when I won't want to, and they'll be in my house and it's just an experience that I don't want to have. I don't want them here, but of course I can't tell them that because it would hurt their feelings and they would get all offended. And since they're coming all the way across the country, they are most likely going to be here for the majority of the month of January. That means my plans will get pushed back even further to February. Alrhough February would be an excellent month for me to do it because it's both the month of my husband's birthday and the day that my mother passed away, which is what started me on this road to hell when I was only three years old, but I don't want to wait that long and have to go through all the things I just mentioned-ie. another holiday season and family visit.
I'm torn and I keep going back-and-forth as to what I want to do.
Part of me wants to go now so I don't have to have the above experiences, but part of me is saying it's going to be more traumatic for those I leave behind because it's the holiday season.
It's frustrating because I don't know what to do and it's made even worse because up until just a few days ago I didn't have any worries about any of this. I don't know if I've started worrying now because I was so focused on other parts of my plan before that I didn't think of it until now, or what's going on.
I have absolutely no reservations about ctb. At this point it's just a matter of when. Do I do it now and do what I want and let the chips fall where they may for everybody else, or do I put everyone else ahead of myself and wait. I realize they're going to be traumatized to some degree, possibly, no matter when I do it, but at least if I wait until February I won't be ruining the holiday season for them.
On the other hand, I feel like if this was reversed, no one would be worrying about traumatizing me at all. And these are the same people who, last year when I was going through one of the worst and most stressful times of my entire life (the aftermath of my husband's death) and I was begging them all for help, none of them came to help me. Therefore, I'm a bit upset with myself for being so concerned with them because they never showed any concern for me when I needed them. I've been told by therapists that in my family I played the role of the doormat. I try very hard not to play that role, but for some reason I always let people treat me like dirt and still worry about how my actions are going to affect them.
I just don't seem to know how to stop myself.
Anyway, thanks for reading about my dilemma. I know, in the end, I'll have to be the one that makes my own mind up about this, but if anyone has any thoughts on the subject, I'm open to any comments.
