Venting Should I self-isolate and to try to lessen my desire for human connection?

[Namelesa]

I mainly want to kill myself now cus of my feelings of emptiness and the repetition of life which started by the break up of my first relationship who was also my first real friend and feeling of what human connection is like. While in the relationship, it was the best feeling in the world to me but when it ended it broke me. Life now felt empty and boring without someone to be close to. Before all of this I less desired and didn't have friends or relationships and was fine with being alone. I regret ever going into that relationship because now I feel like I need human connection to be able to live now. Its like I have gotten addicted to it and now I am suffering from constant withdrawal.

I have made new friends and went into another relationship since then but they have also ended.

I could try find new friends and relationships now and while I do think I can still make new ones, the main difficulty for me is keeping them cus of my mental issues, especially my fear of abandonment, paranoia of doing anything wrong, me being a needy emotional burden and my people pleasing behavior causing my own needs to be unmet and my boundaries to be broken so I want to try find a way to cope without the use of other humans but it's hard to cus of this empty feeling or the anxiousness of losing someone while getting what I need out of them.

Is there a way for me to escape these addictive-like desire and the emptiness the withdrawal causes? I want to be able to become my old self again that didn't need other people to be content with life as what I am like now its either I feel this void in me consumes me if I don't have anyone or anxiety and other intense emotions consume me if I do. I just feel so pathetic like this. If I had better access to effective method I would ctb but I don't think that's possible cus of my family's entrapment I have mentioned over and over again in previous threads and posts so it would be preferable to at least be able to manage life until I can ctb or somehow recover but using friendship and relationships to do that is so unreliable.

This self-isolating would include not interact here anymore and this is a form of socializing and getting some form of human connection so to stop this desire I would need to be gone from here too.

 

[leloyon]

I, in fact, was self-isolated for ages. I only watched youtube and movies/TV, and read stuff during this time. No means of interacting with others even online. Can't say exactly when, but at least a year, if not two. It got to the point where I thought I had overcome loneliness as a concept, I thought I had embraced loneliness itself as a friend, the only friend that would never leave me. Turns out I just didn't go outside, and when I began going outside again I'd feel incredibly envious of others who had friends. And then I re-entered society and started going on websites where I could talk to people again and my loneliness quickly re-emerged and hit me like a truck, as well as the usual regrets that I had wasted so much time, so much of my youth, just rotting away. I also had an imaginary friend during that time, which probably should have clued me in considering I was talking to a literal figment of my imagination just to have someone to talk to.
Point being it's not worth it, and even if you feel you've gotten rid of your loneliness, nah, you won't really. Even if you were fine with being alone then, your whole point is that you had this relationship, you experienced what it was like. That'll stick with you methinks. With no one to talk to, that just creates more time to dwell on that relationship, to dwell on your isolation.

 

[Electra]

I'd say try to find a balance. Restricting interaction might make you more hungry for connection. Try to socialize, but don't get too attached. Keep it simple and light. Keep it neutral. There was a time I thought isolating myself would be the best and when I finally decided to socialize without any expectations - it has gotten better. Keep your options open but don't get overwhelmed. I know it's hard, but I hope you're gonna find your answer <3

 

[Watch_1T_All_Go_Bye]

I haven't left my house for two years. The isolation is painful in that it feels almost like a parasite though I feel mostly numb to it. I'm not someone who craves connection; my isolation began when I lost a friend, and I withdrew because I didn't want to be around anyone. Now, I still don't feel desperate for human interaction, but my subconscious is screaming for it. I'm depriving it of that connection and so there's this ache I didn't have before. An emptiness that seems intangible to fix. Social isolation to me is comforting but also agony. Sorry Idk if this is helpful at all. Anyway <3

 

[WanderingGypsy]

I, in fact, was self-isolated for ages. I only watched youtube and movies/TV, and read stuff during this time. No means of interacting with others even online. Can't say exactly when, but at least a year, if not two. It got to the point where I thought I had overcome loneliness as a concept, I thought I had embraced loneliness itself as a friend, the only friend that would never leave me. Turns out I just didn't go outside, and when I began going outside again I'd feel incredibly envious of others who had friends. And then I re-entered society and started going on websites where I could talk to people again and my loneliness quickly re-emerged and hit me like a truck, as well as the usual regrets that I had wasted so much time, so much of my youth, just rotting away. I also had an imaginary friend during that time, which probably should have clued me in considering I was talking to a literal figment of my imagination just to have someone to talk to.
Point being it's not worth it, and even if you feel you've gotten rid of your loneliness, nah, you won't really. Even if you were fine with being alone then, your whole point is that you had this relationship, you experienced what it was like. That'll stick with you methinks. With no one to talk to, that just creates more time to dwell on that relationship, to dwell on your isolation.

I understand what you're saying! I use to be out-going and way more extroverted, and I hated it, but I kept pretending and forcing myself because I felt like that's what you're suppose to do. Then I realized pretending to be happy & being around people was making me even more miserable. Then I decided to start focusing more on myself and my needs, hoping it would help my mental health. I moved to my dream place and loved living there even though I didn't know anyone when I moved. But it turned out ok and I made a lot of new friends and had more support. This helped my mental health, but then the pandemic hit, and we all had to isolate. From then onto now I've stop caring what others thought because I kept getting hurt and let down by people.
I now isolate so much that I was just thinking this morning that I've gone about two weeks without interacting with people-except for people at the store or texting with people. I am incredibly lonely but also don't care. I like being alone. And I think this helps me thinking about ctb and how hopefully people start forgetting about me now so it's easier when I'm not here? Isolation sucks!
Sending you a hug!

 

[Yume Nikki]

I went through withdrawals almost daily after my ex left and I can honestly agree that I wish I had stayed in my shell. The pain that comes after a breakup is just not worth it. I've heard that this can last years at a time until you find someone else. Even with my current distractions, I still wake up mourning what I lost.

I miss my former old self who could wake up every morning and not have to cry or stress over an ex. I look at the old photos I took on my phone before I met him and it makes me carve the peaceful times again, where I didn't need or obsessed over the idea of a boyfriend. I might've been alone but I was happy,

 

[Surai]

It was like life had turned its back on me, I was searching frantically, trying to make sense of it all. To then realise of the chains that were set up from birth, Where I had not realized yet that I was an animal. And when I had found out the body was dropped from the chain, but I found myself floating instead of on solid ground. So I am not on solid ground and still floating, an animal who is floating at least I know that. But did that make it any better? I am still where I was at.

 

[Bruce]

@Namelesa

I think I understand you.

..

I was alone for so long that I made peace with it, things were sad but at least they weren't lifebreaking sad. I managed to find some kind of balance. I could see colors and I could enjoy those colors.

And then I met her! And the colors grew strong, bright! Red became maroon, blue became navy and green became forest green. I didn't know what was happening. It was wonderful!! So incredibly wonderful!

Until she grew bored with me.

..

Now I can barely see colors. All is almost grey.

Sometimes I wish I never met her, maybe that way I could still enjoy something.

..

I will self-isolate soon. I think.. regardless of what you do, you will feel lonely, you will miss it, that special feeling, that bliss. But at least in self-isolation you might evade other triggers.

I don't think we were ever born to be happy, I think we were born to suffer. Maybe this way we can.. suffer less?

..

You will still suffer though.. if you are like me. I do, I suffer. More then two years have passed and I think about her every day, I cry every now and then. It will never stop. I'm broken now.

..

You don't have mental issues, they do. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be held when going to sleep at night, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.

Try to socialize, but don't get too attached. Keep it simple and light. Keep it neutral.

This works only for people who don't have feelings. People who love, people who have compassion cannot do this. Keeping it simple means not caring.

From then onto now I've stop caring what others thought because I kept getting hurt and let down by people.

And this is the other main reason I decided to self-isolate. The society is pure trash wrapped up in candy foil.

I went through withdrawals almost daily after my ex left and I can honestly agree that I wish I had stayed in my shell. The pain that comes after a breakup is just not worth it. I've heard that this can last years at a time until you find someone else. Even with my current distractions, I still wake up mourning what I lost.

I miss my former old self who could wake up every morning and not have to cry or stress over an ex. I look at the old photos I took on my phone before I met him and it makes me carve the peaceful times again, where I didn't need or obsessed over the idea of a boyfriend. I might've been alone but I was happy,

I.. yes. Oh if it would only be years..

I'm sorry about what you're going through.