Should I or Should I Not?

[FITALL]

I am planning to CTB the beginning of November. Between now and then I will focus on getting all my affairs in order. However, I feel like I want to do something for my kids…I have 2 young children…9 year old twins actually…they are AMAZING….they're truly the ONLY reason I haven't ended this horrible life already. I love them with every fiber in my body. The ONLY regret I will have is not getting to see them grow up and missing out on all their critical milestones. But, they have an amazing mother, who I know will take great care of them AND they will all be better off without me in the picture. I can already see my darkness dampening their beautiful, bright souls…the sooner I CTB, the better.

Anyway, I keep thinking about trying to plan things for years to come…for example, getting them each birthday cards for the next 50 years…recording messages or videos for all those special moments they'll have (when they get their driver's licenses, when they graduate high school, college, first real job, get married, have children)…buying them their first vehicles for when they turn 16, etc etc etc…The list is endless and could go on and on…

BUT – I am not sure if these things would make it better or worse. Am I being driven to these thoughts by my own guilt for leaving them? Do I want to do these things for their benefit or is it just an attempt to justify my actions and clear my conscious?

What does everyone think? Would these things make it better or worse?

Appreciate the feedback….

 

[OrcWitch]

I will just be real with you here, they would probably not appreciate the birthday cards or any of the videos for life milestones. You likely just feel guilty. I'm not here to judge you but am just thinking about from their perspective. Children who have one of their parents CTB while they're still very young often grow up to resent that parent.

 

[Smart No More]

@FITALL I have had the exact same thought. I think it's a good idea. The hard thing is knowing what to write in the cards etc. It's so hard to send a cheerful message when you're suffering the issues we are. It could be a virtual hug for them or a stab to the heart and so while I think it's a wonderful idea that i. Itself shows that you didn't walk away calously it does need some serious thought and planning. I wouldn't do too much. I mean cards every year is good. They can choode whether they open those or not. Then a savings fund/inheritance. I think maybe thats as far as it should go. Otherwide you xohld end up haunting them unintentionally.

I am curious to know what other ideas you have though as maybe I can pinch some of them if they're good.

Peace and love to a fellow sufferer! I know you pain my friend!

I will just be real with you here, they would probably not appreciate the birthday cards or any of the videos for life milestones. You likely just feel guilty. I'm not here to judge you but am just thinking about from their perspective. Children who have one of their parents CTB while they're still very young often grow up to resent that parent.

That is my fear. But at leasr something in writing may one day steike a chord in them and help them realise that you never wanted to go. You had to. It may help them. Whereas no correspondence whatsover will leave them to reinforce thwir misunderstanding of the situation. It's what I would call the lesser evil.

 

[FITALL]

I will just be real with you here, they would probably not appreciate the birthday cards or any of the videos for life milestones. You likely just feel guilty. I'm not here to judge you but am just thinking about from their perspective. Children who have one of their parents CTB while they're still very young often grow up to resent that parent.

I appreciate the honesty....like I said, I love them more than I could ever express. I do not want to cause them any more harm than necessary.
Deep down, I think I already know the answer....I just struggle...If I found out I was dying of cancer - I would have the same regrets and would want to do something like I mentioned....in that case I think it would be appreciated...and for me - I don't see the difference....But, I can understand why they could/would feel differently...

 

[OrcWitch]

I appreciate the honesty....like I said, I love them more than I could ever express. I do not want to cause them any more harm than necessary.
Deep down, I think I already know the answer....I just struggle...If I found out I was dying of cancer - I would have the same regrets and would want to do something like I mentioned....in that case I think it would be appreciated...and for me - I don't see the difference....But, I can understand why they could/would feel differently...

That sounds very difficult. But I am only speaking from anecdotes. I knew people who had parents CTB when they were kids, and they felt a lot of hate. You should get input from more people who are actually parents as I have no idea what that bond is like. Realistically you could just make all the notes, videos etc. but understand they may never look at them. Maybe read testimonials from people who had parents CTB and try to see what they wanted out of that parent.

 

[FITALL]

I am curious to know what other ideas you have though as maybe I can pinch some of them if they're good.

I will put some thought into it and reply back and/or PM you.

Peace and love to a fellow sufferer! I know you pain my friend!

Thank you so much - it's so hard....

That is my fear. But at leasr something in writing may one day steike a chord in them and help them realise that you never wanted to go. You had to. It may help them. Whereas no correspondence whatsover will leave them to reinforce thwir misunderstanding of the situation. It's what I would call the lesser evil.

I will definitely leave notes. The kids are too young to truly understand why I am doing it....I will leave a detailed note for their mom...which this probably won't be a huge surprise for her....then, I will also leave detailed notes for each child. Their mom can decide what is appropriate for them to know now versus what (if anything) needs to wait until they are older. But, I also plan to leave copies of the children's notes with another family member....I don't trust their mom with the letters....she will be angry and bitter regarding my choice...and even if it doesn't happen until they're 18, I want them to see/have my note - in it's entirety...

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Do you mind if I ask why you're so sure they're better off without you? They seem to love you so much and you them

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm not sure if it would make them feel better, from my point of view it could be quite painful for them if they have video messages at certain milestones, as I have read about how children are affected by a close loved one who has ctb. I always think that notes are a good thing to leave, for the children when they are older, so they could understand why you have chosen to do this. If I was in this situation, I would just leave notes. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[The Lonely]

I am planning to CTB the beginning of November. Between now and then I will focus on getting all my affairs in order. However, I feel like I want to do something for my kids…I have 2 young children…9 year old twins actually…they are AMAZING….they're truly the ONLY reason I haven't ended this horrible life already. I love them with every fiber in my body. The ONLY regret I will have is not getting to see them grow up and missing out on all their critical milestones. But, they have an amazing mother, who I know will take great care of them AND they will all be better off without me in the picture. I can already see my darkness dampening their beautiful, bright souls…the sooner I CTB, the better.

Anyway, I keep thinking about trying to plan things for years to come…for example, getting them each birthday cards for the next 50 years…recording messages or videos for all those special moments they'll have (when they get their driver's licenses, when they graduate high school, college, first real job, get married, have children)…buying them their first vehicles for when they turn 16, etc etc etc…The list is endless and could go on and on…

BUT – I am not sure if these things would make it better or worse. Am I being driven to these thoughts by my own guilt for leaving them? Do I want to do these things for their benefit or is it just an attempt to justify my actions and clear my conscious?

What does everyone think? Would these things make it better or worse?

Appreciate the feedback….

Suicidal ideation is real… but…

Reading this I think: this guy would be leaving the party way too soon…
What do you think?

I saw many beautiful things at your post to keep going

Sending hugs! :)

 

[FITALL]

I'm not sure if it would make them feel better, from my point of view it could be quite painful for them if they have video messages at certain milestones, as I have read about how children are affected by a close loved one who has ctb. I always think that notes are a good thing to leave, for the children when they are older, so they could understand why you have chosen to do this. If I was in this situation, I would just leave notes. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you - appreciate the feedback. I will definitely leave notes for them, explaining my decision.

Suicidal ideation is real… but…

Reading this I think: this guy would be leaving the party way too soon…
What do you think?

I saw many beautiful things at your post to keep going

Sending hugs! :)

I have already overstayed my invite to the party for far too long. I've tried to continue just for the sake of my children. In fact, it's what I have done for the last 4 years. I KNOW what I am going to do will crush them, and I absolutely HATE myself for it. But, it doesn't change the fact that I am miserable every second of every day....and that misery is now bleeding over into their lives....It IS negatively impacting them. I am past the point of being able to successfully fake it....I try and try, but ultimately fail. I compare it to staying in a marriage just for the sake of the children. Many people do it, thinking it's what is best for the children.....However, more often than not, it causes more damage to the children than divorce. Removing myself from the picture now will give everyone involved the best chance of moving forward and finding happiness.

Appreciate your kind words though....

Do you mind if I ask why you're so sure they're better off without you? They seem to love you so much and you them

It's not 1 thing...it's a mountain of shit that's been piling up for years...I am in indescribable, unbearable psychological pain every day...I wake up every day wondering how I will possibly make it thru the day. Every. Fucking. Day. I just can't go any further....

People can say/think I am weak...or that I'm a coward...or that I'm selfish....or that I'm a POS for doing this to my kids....and it's totally fine - it doesn't even bother me....there is NOTHING anyone can say that I haven't already said to myself.

 

[ClairyFairy]

You're children will wonder why you put all this effort into stuff that doesn't matter and not the same effort into seeing it through for them. Why would your wife even keep hold of that stuff for 10+ years? You're leaving them don't keep making them feel bad by having to think about you leaving during every special moment they have. Don't do that to them. They'll hate you more.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Thank you - appreciate the feedback. I will definitely leave notes for them, explaining my decision.

I have already overstayed my invite to the party for far too long. I've tried to continue just for the sake of my children. In fact, it's what I have done for the last 4 years. I KNOW what I am going to do will crush them, and I absolutely HATE myself for it. But, it doesn't change the fact that I am miserable every second of every day....and that misery is now bleeding over into their lives....It IS negatively impacting them. I am past the point of being able to successfully fake it....I try and try, but ultimately fail. I compare it to staying in a marriage just for the sake of the children. Many people do it, thinking it's what is best for the children.....However, more often than not, it causes more damage to the children than divorce. Removing myself from the picture now will give everyone involved the best chance of moving forward and finding happiness.

Appreciate your kind words though....

It's not 1 thing...it's a mountain of shit that's been piling up for years...I am in indescribable, unbearable psychological pain every day...I wake up every day wondering how I will possibly make it thru the day. Every. Fucking. Day. I just can't go any further....

People can say/think I am weak...or that I'm a coward...or that I'm selfish....or that I'm a POS for doing this to my kids....and it's totally fine - it doesn't even bother me....there is NOTHING anyone can say that I haven't already said to myself.

I didn't come here to shame you at all, I don't think that's helpful for anyone and obviously I know what it's like to be in the position of wanting to die despite knowing you'll hurt others <3 I don't have children but I do know they'd rather have you here being imperfect than not here, so I guess all I can say is I hope you can say you've tried everything and really given yourself the chance you deserve. I don't think you're a POS for these feelings at all, I think you're suffering immensely and it breaks my heart. I'm sending you strength <3