Typical manly men are not rocks as they attempt to portray. They too are driven by emotions (like anger) as long as their need for control is there. When I observe a brute I don't see calmness, just someone waiting to explode.
Silencing your mind is a ruthless task and unless you really want to get there you will burn out quick and feel much worse initially. Just like most people are unable to truly meditate in silence for long periods of time without being restless. We are too used to scratching our itches all the time.
Arnt i still driven by my emotions though (worser yet impulse) perhaps manning up is the wrong way to go or maybe i'm focusing too much on that specific element
But maybe i should be making a funmental change to my personality that's not fully me idk
And i guess i don't find it easy to sit still so meditation isn't for me of anything id like to be more in touch with my feelings than i am currently as i feel a huge disconnect from them which makes it harder for me to understand identity control and express them
I feel nothing all the time and was expected to do everything on my own and man-up in that way. Didn't do me any favors. It made things worse. I just feel like a depressed husk all the time and have nobody to turn to, and probably never will since it was so ingrained into me that I have to keep everything to myself and solve my own problems the way men should. You can't just "become stronger." Being "stronger" doesn't make things better, it just makes you more alone. Then you become a time bomb for all the things you've kept down for so long to roar back up in one massive explosion.
To be honest, I actually envy the fact that you care about what others think of you. If I cared about what other people thought of me, maybe I wouldn't be a complete slob or say the dumb shit I say or would've been nicer to the friends I used to have. Don't confuse sensitivity with weakness.
Sounds like in a way (despite never being manly) I'm like that already a ticking time bomb waiting to explode repressing feelings deep inside of me
The thing is i care what people think but i still say and do stupid and hurtful shit impulsively and have to deal with the hate because of the fact so it's horrible
You can man up without losing your emotions. Clingy and needy aren't feminine traits, they're bad traits generally. Now, you may just be hard on yourself. It might just be affection and connection, which you can have while being masculine.
You can care what people think about you. The key is not letting it control you, and only caring what worthy people think about you.
"Manning up" is sticking to your principles when it counts, being strong but gentle unless you need to show your strength, and wanting to protect those dearest to you. None of that is opposed to who you are. It's a supplement.
I mean if anything i need to be more in touch with my emotions but thats not easy to do especially with out intense they always are and i've basically been conditioned to repress them for whatever reason
And i guess thats not easy for me to do especially when i hold certain people in high regard (blue for example)
And i guess your right its just managing to find that balance (struggle to find balance in anything) and get there which isnt easy
