Should I kill myself, or try to follow a “dream” first?

[Lilanel]

Suicide is something I've always wanted to go into with eyes wide open. In my opinion, it's an enormous decision, the biggest decision I'll ever make...so not only do I want to do it the right way, I want to do it at the right time and in the right circumstances.

I'm looking at the crossroads of my life and looking back at what I've done. The question I always have for myself is when enough is enough. When is future pain apt to outweigh future pleasure? A couple of years ago, I decided I would not CTB without having at least tried psychotherapy and anti-depressants. Now, I'm looking at my life and wondering if I should take a couple years of my remaining life, and, potentially, a couple hundred thousand dollars in student debt to pursue my "dream," which is going to medical school? I don't really want to be alive following my career path now. I've looked, and student loan debt is discharged upon death, so...

My entire family is extremely disapproving, as are all of my friends and basically everyone in my life that matters to me. And my "dream" is sort of unrealistic anyway...the odds of anyone listening to me or taking me seriously are low. Of course, nobody I talk to completely understands that I'm looking at it as a "fuck it" effort as an alternative to suicide, but I can't talk to them about that either. I can only talk to you.

I know you guys aren't therapists, of course, and don't know my life. I also know many people here have thought of things like this, or similar. Last hurrahs, last attempts to be better, last attempts to find a way to interact with human society in a way that makes sense. Have you considered following a "dream", however impossible, and what were your conclusions upon considering it? Have you tried it? I'd love to hear from you.

 

[BPD_LE]

Yes! The fact that you have a dream and feel able to pursue it is amazing! Who cares what others say. Medical school sounds awesome to me! I'd do it.

 

[lovelyunicorn]

I want to say, try it, but if I was you I definetely wouldn't do it. I am too lazy to make a move, especially nowadays when our chances to be financially successful are not that great. That's exactly where I find myself. I've wanted to do so many things, but with a family who is nothing more than a hindrance, and my lack of looks to get a rich husband, none of it seems very probable to happen, so I've opted to just die young, with style.
Anyway, any case is different and has its details. You might be willing more to work for what you want, because maybe for you it'll be worth It.

 

[Tom9999]

I followed several dreams. They ended up differently than I had planned. But I had to do it. The only way to find out just what will happen when you follow a dream, is to follow it.

My only thought is look at all that might happen if you follow your dream, and make sure you will be okay and not unduly harmed no matter how things end up.

Sometimes people plan on their dream succeeding and so don't examine where they would be if things turned out differently than they planned. Then they might end up in a bad place, or pay a price that in the end made the dream not worth pursuing.

It's important when pursuing a dream to make sure you'll be okay no matter how things turn out. Try and arrange it so the price you may pay in the end (no matter how things turn out) will always have been worth it.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck and much success!

 

[CuriousAboutThis]

Suicide is something I've always wanted to go into with eyes wide open. In my opinion, it's an enormous decision, the biggest decision I'll ever make...so not only do I want to do it the right way, I want to do it at the right time and in the right circumstances.

I'm looking at the crossroads of my life and looking back at what I've done. The question I always have for myself is when enough is enough. When is future pain apt to outweigh future pleasure? A couple of years ago, I decided I would not CTB without having at least tried psychotherapy and anti-depressants. Now, I'm looking at my life and wondering if I should take a couple years of my remaining life, and, potentially, a couple hundred thousand dollars in student debt to pursue my "dream," which is going to medical school? I don't really want to be alive following my career path now. I've looked, and student loan debt is discharged upon death, so...

My entire family is extremely disapproving, as are all of my friends and basically everyone in my life that matters to me. And my "dream" is sort of unrealistic anyway...the odds of anyone listening to me or taking me seriously are low. Of course, nobody I talk to completely understands that I'm looking at it as a "fuck it" effort as an alternative to suicide, but I can't talk to them about that either. I can only talk to you.

I know you guys aren't therapists, of course, and don't know my life. I also know many people here have thought of things like this, or similar. Last hurrahs, last attempts to be better, last attempts to find a way to interact with human society in a way that makes sense. Have you considered following a "dream", however impossible, and what were your conclusions upon considering it? Have you tried it? I'd love to hear from you.

One of my dreams was, is, will be (well maybe not depending on how things play out) to be married and have kids as for suicide I've done multiple suicides attempts even used this website to find a partner ended up getting arrested and gone through the whole books psych wards aka looney bins mental hospital got raped shot up people and got shot by people not that anyone here would believe me and I wouldn't blame them because I don't have the evidence but I am smart enough to know that if you knew how to find all my real life data outside of this you'd know the truth but all I can say is this if you have a dream and have the means to pursue it fuck what other people say if it can make you happy or at least make enough money to keep you a float then go for it but as for suicide I've done multiple suicide attempts lost count how many due to being reset meaning given sodium Pentothal to either be manipulated by others or to reset me or give me all my memories back or have them distorted only if you knew I would say if can avoid suicide it would be for the best otherwise if you truly plan on doing you gotta make sure it works.

 

[gingerplum]

Suicide is something I've always wanted to go into with eyes wide open. In my opinion, it's an enormous decision, the biggest decision I'll ever make...so not only do I want to do it the right way, I want to do it at the right time and in the right circumstances.

I'm looking at the crossroads of my life and looking back at what I've done. The question I always have for myself is when enough is enough. When is future pain apt to outweigh future pleasure? A couple of years ago, I decided I would not CTB without having at least tried psychotherapy and anti-depressants. Now, I'm looking at my life and wondering if I should take a couple years of my remaining life, and, potentially, a couple hundred thousand dollars in student debt to pursue my "dream," which is going to medical school? I don't really want to be alive following my career path now. I've looked, and student loan debt is discharged upon death, so...

My entire family is extremely disapproving, as are all of my friends and basically everyone in my life that matters to me. And my "dream" is sort of unrealistic anyway...the odds of anyone listening to me or taking me seriously are low. Of course, nobody I talk to completely understands that I'm looking at it as a "fuck it" effort as an alternative to suicide, but I can't talk to them about that either. I can only talk to you.

I know you guys aren't therapists, of course, and don't know my life. I also know many people here have thought of things like this, or similar. Last hurrahs, last attempts to be better, last attempts to find a way to interact with human society in a way that makes sense. Have you considered following a "dream", however impossible, and what were your conclusions upon considering it? Have you tried it? I'd love to hear from you.

I'm following a dream right now, but-- this is ridiculous, so forgive me-- I don't wanna talk about it for fear of "jinxing" it. All of a sudden my thinking becomes childlike and superstitious when I'm afraid of losing something. Ok, I know may be crazy when it comes to me, but I'm great with other people-- all my friends come to me for advice.

So. I think you should absolutely pursue your dream... what's the downside? If you don't like it, if you're miserable, you can quit, or even CTB, if that's you're choice. It makes a huge difference to know that you do have a choice, and you can walk away whenever you want to.

Look at it this way: if you're going to stick around, 4 years are going to go by no matter what, and they're going to go by fast. When that time is over, you can be done with med school and ready for residency or not.

Yes, the debt is enormous, but not insurmountable. You'll eventually be making really good money, and you'll pay it off.

What interests you about medicine? Is there a particular field you're interested in? There are SO many options that would be available to you.

It sounds like you could potentially have an incredibly bright future. I hope you'll try for your dream, or at least think about it before you make the one decision you can't undo.

I think you're worth it.

 

[Rocksandsand]

This is very much in the realms of opinion and spirituality, but I think it's quite sad when people CtB without having chased a dream... it doesn't have to be a big one or anything. But just enough to say you tried? I'm taking a year off, but I am studying to be a lawyer now. Before I studied to be a paramedic. I am still just as depressed as always, but I feel like I needed to try just to ethically feel okay with planning my suicide.

There is no judgement here of people who don't do this - everyone has their own path; people do what they need to do etc etc. But you seem to have a part of you that has some hope? Like you wanna give this goal a shot, and if you miss, then you always have suicide in your arsenal?

 

[Hyakkimaru]

Suicide is something I've always wanted to go into with eyes wide open. In my opinion, it's an enormous decision, the biggest decision I'll ever make...so not only do I want to do it the right way, I want to do it at the right time and in the right circumstances.

I'm looking at the crossroads of my life and looking back at what I've done. The question I always have for myself is when enough is enough. When is future pain apt to outweigh future pleasure? A couple of years ago, I decided I would not CTB without having at least tried psychotherapy and anti-depressants. Now, I'm looking at my life and wondering if I should take a couple years of my remaining life, and, potentially, a couple hundred thousand dollars in student debt to pursue my "dream," which is going to medical school? I don't really want to be alive following my career path now. I've looked, and student loan debt is discharged upon death, so...

My entire family is extremely disapproving, as are all of my friends and basically everyone in my life that matters to me. And my "dream" is sort of unrealistic anyway...the odds of anyone listening to me or taking me seriously are low. Of course, nobody I talk to completely understands that I'm looking at it as a "fuck it" effort as an alternative to suicide, but I can't talk to them about that either. I can only talk to you.

I know you guys aren't therapists, of course, and don't know my life. I also know many people here have thought of things like this, or similar. Last hurrahs, last attempts to be better, last attempts to find a way to interact with human society in a way that makes sense. Have you considered following a "dream", however impossible, and what were your conclusions upon considering it? Have you tried it? I'd love to hear from you.

literally my thoughts 24/7, this might sound cliche but I never though I'd ever meet another person to think this way, pm me

 

[Misanthrope]

Death as a choice is not going anywhere. So may as well exhaust what potential there is in this life. Ironically it was suicidal thinking and all or nothing mentality that got me realising some of my dreams and helped me move away from sources of pain external and internal. I even thrived for a while and made a dent in areas I cared about. All at a time when it seemed unrealistic and I had no support. I had some of those dreams and other people with similar passion helped me realise them. You may not have support with your dream now but maybe you will find others along the way eagre to help you both succeed in a different environment?

You can weaponise a suicidal state into action because in a way you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. In my opinion In death there is no potential for anything. No one is a psychic either able to predict anything about how your efforts will go. The only thing I do know is if you do nothing, nothing generally happens. But if you gamble and take risks they have the chance of paying off. You may well spectacularly fail and that can invite its own pain. But something about this obviously feeds a passion in you or it would not be the focus of a last ditch attempt. Maybe feeding that passion will be another kind of weapon in navigating this absurd painful thing we call life? Even if it is not you were at least authentic in your efforts. It is just a shame you are not getting much support with your dream.

 

[gingerplum]

Death as a choice is not going anywhere. So may as well exhaust what potential there is in this life.

I love this. Exhaust all potential; wring out every last drop. You're the most altruistic misanthrope ever

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

I have wasted the past ten years following a dream which has not worked out, that is why I want to CTB.

 

[Wayfaerer]

My dream is already going down in flames so I see no reason not to CTB.

 

[sleepy dog]

To the OP, you are assuming that you will accomplish your dream if you just decide to try it. Some might call it tunnel vision. Choosing to try does not mean you will succeed. Sorry but its true. You should consider all possibilities, good and bad.