Help Should I/How would I break up with my gf?

[toxicjester]

This is a thread I never wanted to make but it feels like more and more this is what I need to do

I've been with my gf for 6 years, since we were in high school, and I know that it's stupid to expect the first relationship to work but I really wanted it to because I know in my very being that if I break up with her I'll never date anyone again and I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

But she constantly asks to be taken care of, which isn't a problem by itself, but it's the fact that I can't take care of her no matter what I try to do

Whenever she gets upset also she starts insulting me and borderline yelling and when I show discomfort and wince to tell her that I don't like when she does that she says "it's not fair that I have to censor myself when I'm the one upset" and talks about the stigma about how people talk about supporting mentally ill people until they're "not upset in a conventially easy way" or something like that.

It's feels horrible because I promised her so much that I'd change and that I could be better and that we'd move out together and I'd help her get to where she wants in her transition. But I don't know if that's possible now. I used to be able to see our future together. Now all I see is either coming home and her hanging in the room or me drinking SN cups in a place I don't know.

I know I'd be the horrible person for leaving, but I don't know how to show her that I can change, if I can change. This shit should've happened on year 1 of the relationship. And it sucks because she talks about "giving me grace" and saying that if she was a cruel person she wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt and just broken up with me or not believe anything I say (which is something she already does tbf)

The major problem with breaking up is that we live together in her mom's place. We had "concepts of a plan" (lol) of moving in with a roommate in an apartment. (Mainly just talking about how it would all work, nothing has been signed or anything). So if we break up that's out the window and I have to move back in with my family which is something I've been trying to avoid. She's mentioned that if we break up I wouldn't have to move out but I don't think I could stand to be with her if we did.

Another thing is the fact that our room is so dirty and all our shit is intermingled. I've been trying to pick stuff up but it always gets shitty again because between me working and then her staying home all day not doing anything it gets worse and worse. If we broke up I'd have to have all my shit cleared up which feels like a Herculean effort. Of course I could try to have it all done before I break up but it feels like it'd take weeks and all the while she's talking about how I don't do anything or how I have the emotional intelligence of a rock or some bullshit.

She's also the one that drives me places and we only have my car. If I break up with her she loses her mode of transportation and I lose my way of getting to and from work. Of course if I move back with my family I could ask my mom but she already has to do so much. Of course that doesn't solve the issue of her having no car.

I'm also the one that gives her funds to do the things she wants. In game currency bullshit, food, and most importantly, her HRT. She has no job and has made no strides to find one in the last 3-4 years because she wanted to finish her transition first.

I also don't want her to CTB, which seems selfish considering, but I digress. When I was gone for a couple days last year because I was seeing my sibling off she attempted to CTB. When I got home she told me and I didn't react in a good way and it just made her more upset(if you want more details about this I had made a whole other post about this situation specifically called "My gf attempted to ctb while I was gone" or something like that). But ever since then when we have an argument and I can't take care of her (which happens like twice a week) she talks about how she doesn't know why she keeps "falling for it" and how she shouldn't have "pussied out" or something like that. It terrifies me that if I break up she'll go through with it. I know that if it was the other way around I'd probably really want to and attempt if I had the items I needed.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. But I don't know how to change myself quickly and in time for all this stuff. I don't want to go back to my family. And then whenever we manage to get out of these situations and she smiles at me it makes me forget all of this stuff and it makes me want to keep working to make it good for her.

I'm the one that keeps falling for it.

I don't know, I need help, advice, comfort, I don't know, ANYTHING. I have no one to talk to about this stuff, no friends, haven't told my family she tried to ctb, obviously can't tell her. I have no one, please help me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like an extremely difficult situation to be in. It's going to be hard for me to really offer advice but, you absolutely have my sympathy.

If I'm honest, it sounds like an enormously demanding relationship to be in. Not to blame her but I don't think I'd be able to cope. I don't think it's actually fair on you either but then, you have to make that decision yourself.

I can absolutely understand that you don't want to hurt her. The circumstances and alternatives if you did leave also do sound complicated. Plus, I get that you don't want to feel responsible for something she does to herself. You do need to consider you though and, first really. It may be that no one else will- sadly. Plus, if you truly can't cope one day then, both of you will be stuck.

What's your relationship like with her family? If you did decide to leave, could you chat to them to make sure she is supported? I suppose initially, you need to decide on whether you do actually want to leave or not.

 

[toxicjester]

I'm so sorry. It sounds like an extremely difficult situation to be in. It's going to be hard for me to really offer advice but, you absolutely have my sympathy.

If I'm honest, it sounds like an enormously demanding relationship to be in. Not to blame her but I don't think I'd be able to cope. I don't think it's actually fair on you either but then, you have to make that decision yourself.

I can absolutely understand that you don't want to hurt her. The circumstances and alternatives if you did leave also do sound complicated. Plus, I get that you don't want to feel responsible for something she does to herself. You do need to consider you though and, first really. It may be that no one else will- sadly. Plus, if you truly can't cope one day then, both of you will be stuck.

What's your relationship like with her family? If you did decide to leave, could you chat to them to make sure she is supported? I suppose initially, you need to decide on whether you do actually want to leave or not.

I really appreciate your words, I hate to make myself the victim all the time I just don't know what to do

Her family is kind of shitty. They still call her by her deadname and misgender her and her mom has been on her back about getting a job. Plus we need to move out before May because her mom is going to sell the house, and if I break up with her before then I don't know what's gonna happen, if she'll get kicked out or what.

I'm sure I could talk to her mom and I have her brother's number if I really need but our relationship is kinda just acquaintance at best

They just didn't support her before we started dating and I doubt they'd start now

 

[ineed2die]

If you really want to leave just lie to her, honestly. Give her a lie that makes you seem like a shitty dude and good to leave.

 

[toxicjester]

If you really want to leave just lie to her, honestly. Give her a lie that makes you seem like a shitty dude and good to leave.

As shitty as it is I've kinda tried that :,)
I've told her that I'm manipulative and really mean and she's experienced it when I split on her but she still says she gives me grace and that it's my self hatred more than anything else

Fuck me I sound like a major dick

 

[ineed2die]

As shitty as it is I've kinda tried that :,)
I've told her that I'm manipulative and really mean and she's experienced it when I split on her but she still says she gives me grace and that it's my self hatred more than anything else

Fuck me I sound like a major dick

That's still doesn't portray yourself bad enough. You need to give her 'the ick.'

This way she will lose interest in you and feel nothing except relief after things end.

Pick up ugly habits, dress poorly, have bad posture and fashion. Get really into anime and manga and stuff like that.

 

[toxicjester]

That's still doesn't portray yourself bad enough. You need to give her 'the ick.'

This way she will lose interest in you and feel nothing except relief after things end.

Pick up ugly habits, dress poorly, have bad posture and fashion. Get really into anime and manga and stuff like that.

This kind of makes me laugh(not to discredit your thing because I think for other people it'd work) but I literally do all of these, except for the anime thing but dude she loves anime so that isn't a thing I can do.

I work at fast food, can't always afford the shit she wants, have hella acne, can't take care of her emotionally, end up making things about me as hard as I try not to, am hella fucking stupid, have horrible hygiene at times, and so much more. Hell she's even told me she's afraid I'll get fed up one day and hurt her in her sleep :,)

We've been together for six years, if she could stand me for that long I have no clue what would give her the ick. Honestly I don't know that it's something I want to do hardcore either, I hate myself as is but that would really drive the nail in the coffin :,(

 

[Azlia]

i'm sorry, the codependency makes it all worse, it all looks like the start of a toxic relationship, she is already guilt tripping you with the giving you grace thing when is she the one that depends on you not the other way around i was in one and i did not listened to everyone that warned me precisely because after fights there was so much love and a beautiful smile, after the worse happened and it ended it took me 6 years to recover, i doubt she wants to change in any way for what you describe, if she depends on you for hrt i can send you the places were i buy from resellers or diy at cheaper prices or the related subreddits so you find them yourself. that is enough help for her and less prob she would cbt if she keeps having easy access to it, for all the rest even if it sounds cruel is her life she has to deal with it instead of sucking yours. specially if she does not apreciate any of it.
The longer you wait to cut down a bad tree the harder it will be.
before breaking up It will be a good thing to write and plan the steps, like to start practicing the things you are dependant on so you no longer are, like the transportation thing or looking for roomies and do it in a moment she would not be able to do something out of emotion like the friday if her parents will be on the house all weekend.
also are you sure your family will take you back? it will be good to have a backup plan beforehand if it is not the case in case you do not find roomies

sorry i can't give you kinder words or provide any other help

 

[NoFancyNames]

Please don't lie to her, that is a shitty thing to do.

Your situation sounds super difficult. Damn, I've been there in the past, not quite the same, but also difficult co-dependent relationship, not easy to leave, especially after many years. But if you truly ever cared for her, whether you still do or not, do not lie. As hard as it is, you got to just leave and be honest, say you can't do this anymore. Will it hurt her? Yes, probably, but she will move on eventually, she will have to, and if she doesn't, it won't be on you. As hard as life is, each of us have choices on how we handle things, not at every second of every moment, but we still have choices independent of others. So you got to make your choice, but don't lie. Be honest with yourself and her, it will be better in a long run.

Now do you still want to save this relationship? You said you wanted it to work, but it wasn't because of her being special or you seeing an amazing future together. It was because you don't want to be alone. Isn't it better to be alone?

I read your previous post and her behaviour seemed manipulative, but I didn't replied to you then. Now, reading this, it comes across to me that you are unhappy and deep down know you need to get out. Also, I know this is just one side of the story, but she sounds abusive. I have mental health struggles too and I get it that it's hard to control sometimes, damn, things go wrong, but there needs to be accountability, improvement and respect towards your loved ones. And ultimately even if there is, are you happy to stay with her forever as things are? Do you think things are workable?

I don't know what to really say, except that you are not alone in this. And this is damn hard, but you have to take care of yourself and if you are unhappy, it's okay to let it go and move on. Sometimes unknown is better.

I wish you luck. If you do want to talk, feel free to message me, I might be able to advise you something. Unsure. I'm not exactly happy either.

 

[reignerreigns]

I had met someone online and got involved in a "relationship" for 2 years, i understand how you feel cause (i might be wrong so dont take it the wrong way) her behaviour is manipulative imo. In my case she often demanded time which i clearly gave her, of course i had my stuff to deal with so i couldnt be there all the time, but i really feel i tried my hardest to be there for her...she made me feel guilty to some extent cause she riled me up to the point of paying her in the same manner...i made mistakes i own up to that, but i do feel i changed for the better. What other people say its true, dont lie to her...in my case she couldnt be honest with me since the getgo and ended up meeting someone else, leaving me feeling alone, guilty and doubtful of who i even am. The point is, i could have and should have left earlier so i wouldnt feel this bad right now...i feel like if you stay any longer is going to fireback badly, unless both parties are willing to make a change for the better

 

[astr4]

i read your profile posts pretty regularly and honestly this woman has always always sounded so awful and terrible to me. i know she's valid and her suffering is valid but what isn't valid is how she hurts you over and over again and just says such cruel things to you when she's feeling a lot. she sounds incredibly emotionally immature.

i'm also awful with breakups. most of the time i get dumped and im the one screaming crying. the one time i dumped a guy, i flew to china for a month and had my friend dump him over facebook on my behalf, because i was too scared of the confrontation and i knew i would feel too bad and take him back.

so idk i guess i really don't have advice other than ripping off the bandaid and then going ghost because that's what i would do. idk its pretty shitty advice but i just want you to know you deserve better than this. genuinely i wonder what your recovery would look like if she weren't in your life yk? you can't be someones entire raison d'être and it's unfair that she's so dependent on you.

 

[ineed2die]

I broke up with my girlfriend after making my post. Or more so she broke up with me.

Sometimes you can love someone but you two aren't compatible.

I am not going to be compatible with the majority of people in the world because of my issues.