should I go?

[wildflowers1996]

looking for some advice please

I have BDD / OCD which takes over my entire life
I made a last desperate attempt by speaking with a specialist, to discuss things like rTMS/ ECT etc , in the hope of some kind of "magic" solution

His response was to decline those options and tell me to go to a residential service where they give intensive therapy

I don't want to go. It sounds like a distressing experience. They do a form of therapy I've had before and hated (just more intensely) and I have absolutely no faith in it. Going to this service will make me feel worse. I know how the therapy works in theory, but I have no hope of it working for me. My brain feels permanently damaged by it at this point. I know other people who have gone and it hasn't helped.

I just want to ctb. I've had enough of living with these disorders.

My question is should I go anyway - do you think it will help my family when I ctb, to know I "tried everything"?

I don't want to waste the specialists' time because I suspect anyone who goes to this service expecting it in advance to fail, is almost guaranteed to find that it fails. I can't see myself having the motivation or strength to engage with it properly

I just don't want to ctb and have my family think "if only she had gone it might've helped her". I am positive it won't, but maybe it will help them to know I "tried"?

 

[Cress]

I think trying treatment putting the remaining strength that you have into it And if it doesn't work you can leave with no regrets is a totally Fine and healthy mindset to have. It's possible that maybe your family might feel better that you tried more treatment But in my experience their attachment is going to be so strong that nothing will Ever allow them to let you go.

You're not wasting specialist time Even if it fails. One thing to keep in mind that mental health treatment is really in its infancy at the moment and even failures helps further the study of treatment that much more. No one deserves to suffer in this world and you're merely doing everything that seems reasonable to reduce it.

I have a really rare neurological condition only maybe a 100 or so people ended up Being eligible for treatment in my state and only about 12 ended up getting approved by insurance and only about another 6 ended up sticking with the treatment long term. When my doctor ended up leaving the state to go treat people elsewhere the nurse ended up stopping me and thanking me for how much research they were able to gain from working with me.

Even if my treatment doesn't end up working and I end up catching the bus at least the time I spent meant something as I was reducing suffering of others indirectly. Preventing other people from ever having to go through what I did. In a weird way it feels nice knowing that I went as far as I could before my strength gave out.

My advice is you should try the treatment but I respect your decision either way And you're not forced to do either one due to social obligations.

I wish you the best in life

 

[Lost cherry]

I think that you are not sure 100% what you want to do. Your family will be sad anyway, if you try everything before ctb or if dont, because you will gone. But you need to think what is your choice, how you feel, not other people. If you wont to die, keep going with therapy, maybe you will be better one day. But put yourself on the first place , and think what is the best solution for you.

 

[wildflowers1996]

Thank you both
I do definitely want to ctb. It's just guilt (and fear of going to hell) which is holding me back.
That's a good way of looking at it that I might be helping them research the condition even though the treatment will fail, thank you
I just want to ease my family's suffering in any way I can. I don't want them to feel guilty. I want them to know I'm better off gone. I REALLY don't want to go to this service, it'll be nothing but painful to go through, but I'm willing to do it if I know I can ctb after and if it stops my family feeling guilty

 

[SVEN]

If you feel you love and care for your family so much and feel it may be of comfort to them when you are gone, I'd probably just go and endure the treatment as a last selfless gesture of my affection for them. Even if they never know of this final sacrifice you're making for them, it'll ensure you don't ctb with any feeling of regret that you perhaps left something undone for their sake.