Should I email family now or when I decide to exit?

[Alwaysbadtime]

I'm very pissed. I've really struggled since 2006 when I decided on a career that was awful and I knew I couldn't do. I spent a handful of years failing at it. It's caused me so much stress on top of the horrible jobs I got after. I felt bullied and shit on. Of course my anxiety spiked towards the end while living alone in isolation.

I was hospitalized voluntarily about a month after moving to my dad and stepmom's in a very small town in the East coast of the US. It was horrible. Lots of traumas before moving and then when I got there with no job and nothing to do. I don't recall exactly going mental or anything, but my stepmom pushed to get me hospitalized. The two weeks I spent was just a huge waste of time.

I was taken in by previous bf and moved across country after 10 months in hell at my dad's. It was hell where I moved. I was very anxious etc at him leaving to work his shitty job everyday, wasn't sleeping so checked into another hospital. They gave me a false diagnosis of bipolar after I talked to them less than 4 minutes basically just telling them I needed a fucking job. They wrote down two lies about what I said.

My family believed all this shit and I agreed to take Lithium for many months. I have never been bipolar or exhibit any symptoms like highs and lows. I barely talk. I am fully in the reality that is I am very stuck and I truly hate who I depend on.

I have email drafts saved. I emailed stepmom a couple months ago telling her I have never been bipolar etc etc. She didn't respond. I have another email to her, longer explaining how she doesn't know shit about my situation. She is a 'mental health' nurse which really fucking bothers me. I have emails to my mom and dad, really long explaining my existence and how their labels of me etc are wrong and false.

If it were you would you bother emailing them before you offed yourself? Part of me wants to stand up for myself at the end....I see Britany Spears speaking up about how her dad making her feel crazy when she is not is not ok. I want to say this, but my existence is very different. I have no money power.

I truly hate my parents for putting labels on me in addition to the facts of unemployment and poverty; just total loss.

Would you stand up for yourself before offing yourself? Would you suffer the anticipation of reading their email responses or no responses? I hate them more than I hate myself. I'm so angry and have nothing to do...I want to email my stepmom first...but I don't want the anxiety of her response or lack of.

I want to stand up for myself, but perhaps its fucking impossible. What would you do? Have you experienced something similar?

 

[fastFWD]

sorry to hear about your situation :/

perhaps you've already tried but is there any way for you to get re-evaluated/re-tested elsewhere?
it does suck to go somewhere else just to have them going off of past charts/diagnoses tho.

what do online tests/your own research tell you about yourself? whenever i used to go in to see someone i'd say "hey i've done a lot of research/testing online and this is what i've come up with; could evaluate me to confirm/deny this and/or tell me what you think is going on with me based on the symptoms i'm having/wrote down here..."

as far as standing up for yourself(via email) before possibly offing yourself i'd try my best to find a way to cut ties from the toxic people who don't support you and/or find a way to prove them wrong (more for yourself than anyone else). if emailing will help you with closure then so be it (i'd prob use timed emails and would never see the responses tho).

regardless of any decisions you make and outcomes, i believe in you.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

sorry to hear about your situation :/

perhaps you've already tried but is there any way for you to get re-evaluated/re-tested elsewhere?
it does suck to go somewhere else just to have them going off of past charts/diagnoses tho.

what do online tests/your own research tell you about yourself? whenever i used to go in to see someone i'd say "hey i've done a lot of research/testing online and this is what i've come up with; could evaluate me to confirm/deny this and/or tell me what you think is going on with me based on the symptoms i'm having/wrote down here..."

as far as standing up for yourself(via email) before possibly offing yourself i'd try my best to find a way to cut ties from the toxic people who don't support you and/or find a way to prove them wrong (more for yourself than anyone else). if emailing will help you with closure then so be it (i'd prob use timed emails and would never see the responses tho).

regardless of any decisions you make and outcomes, i believe in you.

I'm not interested in any evaluation. My only issue is anxiety due to how fucked I am.