Help Should I do it before or after I meet the love of my life?

[explsionsinthesky]

I've been getting closer and closer to doing it. Hanging myself, overdosing, whatever.
The only thing holding me back is my boyfriend. I've been ruining our relationship lately though, with my negativity. I've also been going through some shit with my unbearably controlling, strict parents who affect my relationship with my boyfriend (they try to make me spend less time with him and they invalidate me a lot which makes me break down and my boyfriend has to deal with it).
One thing though, though we have been together for over a year we have not met in person. But we have learned so much through this long distance thing, learning to appreciate the time we have together, et cetera. He is coming in one month to see me. He has been preparing and all.
But things between us have been getting hard and waking up everyday has been getting harder and harder. My boyfriend knows I used to be really sad and have attempted before. He knows everything about me and my dark past other than that I have been getting suicidal thoughts again. And I do not wish to speak to him about it because I have seen his reaction to me hinting that I feel sad again and he was upset that he hasn't cured me and that I haven't taken his words to heart.
He has been getting upset that my parents are getting between us again, causing us to spend less time together. And i have been trying to get more independence but I don't move out for another 2 months. And I am getting tired, I am hating myself more and more, and I know that I do not bring joy to him much anymore because of all of the negativity and fights I cause nearly every day.

We have been planning our meeting for half a year. We have been counting down the days ever since. But things are getting worse and we don't have a lot of happy moments anymore. But maybe things can change when we finally see each other but I don't know how much longer I can go, I don't know whether or not I should do it before or after I see him. Because I keep stopping myself before doing anything because of that small sign of hope but when I hold on to that I realize it's false hope and each time I fall for it and I'm tired of it. But I really want to be able to look into his eyes and hold his hand before I leave but I don't know if I will want to leave after that. I don't even know if I can have a true future with him given that we are in different countries and my parents strictly disapprove and keep me from prioritizing him.

I know that if I leave before I will leave all of my savings to my boyfriend so he won't have wasted money on me at least, but I feel horrible for wasting his time.

So, what do you think? Before or after?

 

[Maksimka Ai]

I've been getting closer and closer to doing it. Hanging myself, overdosing, whatever.
The only thing holding me back is my boyfriend. I've been ruining our relationship lately though, with my negativity. I've also been going through some shit with my unbearably controlling, strict parents who affect my relationship with my boyfriend (they try to make me spend less time with him and they invalidate me a lot which makes me break down and my boyfriend has to deal with it).
One thing though, though we have been together for over a year we have not met in person. But we have learned so much through this long distance thing, learning to appreciate the time we have together, et cetera. He is coming in one month to see me. He has been preparing and all.
But things between us have been getting hard and waking up everyday has been getting harder and harder. My boyfriend knows I used to be really sad and have attempted before. He knows everything about me and my dark past other than that I have been getting suicidal thoughts again. And I do not wish to speak to him about it because I have seen his reaction to me hinting that I feel sad again and he was upset that he hasn't cured me and that I haven't taken his words to heart.
He has been getting upset that my parents are getting between us again, causing us to spend less time together. And i have been trying to get more independence but I don't move out for another 2 months. And I am getting tired, I am hating myself more and more, and I know that I do not bring joy to him much anymore because of all of the negativity and fights I cause nearly every day.

We have been planning our meeting for half a year. We have been counting down the days ever since. But things are getting worse and we don't have a lot of happy moments anymore. But maybe things can change when we finally see each other but I don't know how much longer I can go, I don't know whether or not I should do it before or after I see him. Because I keep stopping myself before doing anything because of that small sign of hope but when I hold on to that I realize it's false hope and each time I fall for it and I'm tired of it. But I really want to be able to look into his eyes and hold his hand before I leave but I don't know if I will want to leave after that. I don't even know if I can have a true future with him given that we are in different countries and my parents strictly disapprove and keep me from prioritizing him.

I know that if I leave before I will leave all of my savings to my boyfriend so he won't have wasted money on me at least, but I feel horrible for wasting his time.

So, what do you think? Before or after?

Hi, I also now have a choice, to finish with everything or to see her. I live in illusion and self-deception ( I don't know too((

 

[TimeToDie]

You have a BF. You have a family. You are apparently quite young. Those of us who are old, have no romantic partner, and who have no family might think that you could stick around a while longer -- just to be sure -- since you already have at least three very good things going for you.

 

[Fadinglife]

I've been getting closer and closer to doing it. Hanging myself, overdosing, whatever.
The only thing holding me back is my boyfriend. I've been ruining our relationship lately though, with my negativity. I've also been going through some shit with my unbearably controlling, strict parents who affect my relationship with my boyfriend (they try to make me spend less time with him and they invalidate me a lot which makes me break down and my boyfriend has to deal with it).
One thing though, though we have been together for over a year we have not met in person. But we have learned so much through this long distance thing, learning to appreciate the time we have together, et cetera. He is coming in one month to see me. He has been preparing and all.
But things between us have been getting hard and waking up everyday has been getting harder and harder. My boyfriend knows I used to be really sad and have attempted before. He knows everything about me and my dark past other than that I have been getting suicidal thoughts again. And I do not wish to speak to him about it because I have seen his reaction to me hinting that I feel sad again and he was upset that he hasn't cured me and that I haven't taken his words to heart.
He has been getting upset that my parents are getting between us again, causing us to spend less time together. And i have been trying to get more independence but I don't move out for another 2 months. And I am getting tired, I am hating myself more and more, and I know that I do not bring joy to him much anymore because of all of the negativity and fights I cause nearly every day.

We have been planning our meeting for half a year. We have been counting down the days ever since. But things are getting worse and we don't have a lot of happy moments anymore. But maybe things can change when we finally see each other but I don't know how much longer I can go, I don't know whether or not I should do it before or after I see him. Because I keep stopping myself before doing anything because of that small sign of hope but when I hold on to that I realize it's false hope and each time I fall for it and I'm tired of it. But I really want to be able to look into his eyes and hold his hand before I leave but I don't know if I will want to leave after that. I don't even know if I can have a true future with him given that we are in different countries and my parents strictly disapprove and keep me from prioritizing him.

I know that if I leave before I will leave all of my savings to my boyfriend so he won't have wasted money on me at least, but I feel horrible for wasting his time.

So, what do you think? Before or after?

I can relate with it. Quite similar to my life circumstances. Try holding onto seeing him once. Few months ago i was in the similar mindset, now i am numb to everything, whatever comes in my way, if everything fails my last wish is i wanna be sure that i won't be trapped in this life cycle, so now i focus on finding methods because i know numbness won't last forever and ctb is most likely only freedom given the circumstances that are forming. So, i am more worried about opportunity to die and tools to access.
Keep your faith in seeing him and atleast having those moments once in your life. It's a wonderful feeling to feel loved and appreciated. Most people aren't that lucky. I am glad my partner cares, although i don't know how long he is going to stay in my life and if i ever be able to see him. It is satisfactory to know that he is alive as it combats my fear of loosing loved ones. I get to hear his voice, in the sea of storm and darkness it's comforting to know someone there even though it's not always going to be the same as overtime this feeling is fading, just like the life in me.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

You have a BF. You have a family. You are apparently quite young. Those of us who are old, have no romantic partner, and who have no family might think that you could stick around a while longer -- just to be sure -- since you already have at least three very good things going for you.

My parents are one of the main reasons I have gotten to this point of giving up. My boyfriend might not be around any longer (I don't see why he would stay). Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am, how I never had to work for anything in my life because I had everything handed to me, but I'm tired and I hate myself

 

[RM5998]

Here's an idea...
Toss a coin. Roll a die. Write a program for a pseudorandom number generator that pools numbers generated over the course of the day and XORs their hashes.
And depending on how much you hate what the result tells you to do, act.
EDIT: I'm sorry if that came off as insensitive. I've often used that method (okay, not exactly as extreme as the third option, but close) to try and figure out what to do.

 

[Fadinglife]

My parents are one of the main reasons I have gotten to this point of giving up. My boyfriend might not be around any longer (I don't see why he would stay). Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am, how I never had to work for anything in my life because I had everything handed to me, but I'm tired and I hate myself

I can totally understand. My condition is very similar. Don't listen to people that you have it better, someone always has it better but it doesn't lessen the suffering and pain they are going through. That's a non arguement. It rather diminishes and invalidates their suffering and pain. If you can build a life with your bf and he is understanding enough, you may get a chance to start fresh and i hope you do.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'd wait untill you actually met him in person. Maybe he could be enough to want to live: why waste that chance? You indicated you're going to be moving out soon so I'd wait and see what that brings. At least you won't have your parents to deal with anymore.

 

[Mbound]

I'd wait untill you actually met him in person. Maybe he could be enough to want to live: why waste that chance? You indicated you're going to be moving out soon so I'd wait and see what that brings. At least you won't have your parents to deal with anymore.

I love your username...just wanted to say.

 

[Alec]

I wish I could help you, but I think this needs to be your decision. You have to take everything into account the good and the bad things about your relationship. And I understand the fear that you might not want to die after meeting him and not wanting that to happen, wanting to hold on to the pain that makes want to kill ourselves to give us strength to do that, because even if a moment of happiness comes the sadness might come back too and we can't trust the happiness will last. But in the same time you might always wander what would it be like I met him. So I don't know. Maybe think about if you can stand the pain for longer until you meet him, that's important too.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

thank you all for your inputs. i read them and i have been thinking. i am continuing to mess up my relationship, like today. my boyfriend is upset with me and i can only tell that it's only a matter of time until he realizes he deserves better.
i don't know if we will last. maybe he will tolerate me until he meets me. but i was thinking more and i can't stand how unbearably hideous and unattractive i am. he must be crazy to think im otherwise but hey, it's hard to know how someone really looks until you meet them so. i feel like he will only meet me to be disappointed and realize he wasted money and time on me. i think meeting me will only prove that he needs to have left earlier. im terrified.
maybe he's just holding on to our relationship because he doesn't want to cancel something last minute. all these maybes only make me feel like it's better to leave asap.
my parents have also been making me feel worthless, stupid, and unheard. it never stops and it is only getting worse.
im tired. at this point im done crying and writing and trying to reach out to people and ask how i can be better and how i can make things better. now all i want is help on how to be successful

 

[Slate128]

but i was thinking more and i can't stand how unbearably hideous and unattractive i am. he must be crazy to think im otherwise but hey, it's hard to know how someone really looks until you meet them so. i feel like he will only meet me to be disappointed and realize he wasted money and time on me. i think meeting me will only prove that he needs to have left earlier. im terrified

If he loves you enough to travel across countries to meet you after only talking to you by text, I wouldn't worry that he might think you're unattractive or hideous.

Just by reading this thread I can tell you have an amazingly beautiful character. You're so thoughtful and empathetic.

It's not your fault you can't see that. I don't know enough about you to say 'go to a doctor,' 'kill yourself' etc. but I really hope you see yourself in a better light soon, whatever happens.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

If he loves you enough to travel across countries to meet you after only talking to you by text, I wouldn't worry that he might think you're unattractive or hideous.

Just by reading this thread I can tell you have an amazingly beautiful character. You're so thoughtful and empathetic.

It's not your fault you can't see that. I don't know enough about you to say 'go to a doctor,' 'kill yourself' etc. but I really hope you see yourself in a better light soon, whatever happens.

Thank you. My parents have been making it clear that I'm not allowed to visit him in the future and I'm just scared that this might be the only time I'm allowed to see him for years.
I think maybe I don't have much to lose, to wait another month until I meet him. I was just scared that he might leave me before he does
It's just going to be so difficult living another month under the roof of my parents house where they continuously ridicule and judge me.

 

[fastFWD]

I hope things go well for you moving fwd. getting out of your parents home should really improve the quality of your life; it is torture being constantly berated and controlled; have you tried to talk to them about how they are making you feel? in any event it sounds like a chance for a new beginning for you soon <3. I wish you well whatever you decide to do!

 

[Morphinekiss]

I wouldn't hold off for him, hold off until you're able to move out. You said yourself your parents are why you're so down. What kind of life can you have when you're no longer under their thumb? That's what I would hold on for.

 

[explsionsinthesky]

thank you all. i just dont know how i can escape my parents. i'm not going to uni far away from my family like most people do, there will not be change for me. they will control me still and will go to extremes to keep me under their control. the tracking, manipulation, forced promises, verbal abuse, threats, everything just has been around for 18 years and i will never escape. worst part is i love them and hate them at the same time which really fucks with my feelings. i don't see a feasible plan where i can keep them in my life and also be on my own and not have them control me.
even if one day that day does come it'll be too late. i would've lived the life they wanted me to live, not mine. it's also very far away and i don't have a lot of fight left in me anymore. my boyfriend provided that drive. but we don't know, i don't know if he is here to stay. i don' tknow how often i can be with him because my parents will prevent me from being with him. i bring too much burden, especially with my parents, all i can do is stop holding onto false hope