Venting Should I bother with leaving a note?

[Oblivion Lover]

I've been thinking about this for a while and would like to hear your opinions on this. As much as I like to imagine that my parents would consider what was written in my suicide note and respect my last wishes of being cremated and for my mother to not blame anyone for my death or take pity on me, I realized that I can't even count on them to even read my note.

I know for a fact that they never took me seriously and probably would never do even if I killed myself. My family thinks that I'm still unable to think on my own and that I'm easily influenced. She thinks that it's because of the internet that I'm no longer religious and that I'm gay, and her and the others will probably blame the internet for pushing me into killing myself and, saying that I was very naive and sensible and that I was "just depressed" and in need of treatment. That is so infuriating and offensive to me! I'm not going to kill myself over naivety and emotions. Hell, I'm not even depressed! I've been thinking as logically as I can about this for years and using philosophy, the most noble of the sciences, to guide me to an answer as whether's life is worth living or not, and my conclusion is that it is not. How dare they reduce all of this to just an impulsive decision and treat me like someone who deserves their pity? People like them make me want to ctb more and more! I thought that writing a note would prevent that from happening and preserve my memory as a lover of knowledge and rationality and mature person that I am, but even that will probably not work!

You could argue that there's no harm in leaving a note, but I'm not sure if it's worth the effort considering my current mental state. If I'm going to write anything, it's going to be very long and I don't have much motivation for that. My aphasia and memory problems are worsening, and that is making writing or communicating in any way much difficult too. Is stressing myself over it and pushing the limits of my damaged brain for writing a note really worth it? I'm not very keen on that now.

So, abruptly jumping to conclusion as my brain can't handle any more writing and I'm not even sure of what I'm doing anymore (yeah I know it's ridiculous), what do you guys think about this? Should I bother with leaving a long and detailed suicide note for my family even if they're probably not going to consider what's on it? Do you guys think that they would at least respect my wish of being cremated? Is there any way to make sure they read my note instead of throwing it away or something?

 

[21Neberg]

Hi there, hope you're doing O.K.,

I think you definitely should leave a note. Your parents, regardless of your differences, still love you. I can't imagine that they would just throw away your suicide note, basically their last way of having any contact with you after you're gone, like it's nothing. Don't worry about that, they'll read it.

And if you should even write it in the first place? Well, in my opinion you should. You see, I think we owe our families and everyone else who is close to us an explanation. Many of us, maybe you too, hide our true emotions and just wear a smiling mask all day. Because of that our CTB will probably come unexpectedly. We just can't leave people with the 'what-if' questions, because we don't want to pass on our pain to the ones we love.

Sorry for the long message. I hope that you'll be allright in the end, and that you'll at least have a nice weekend. We all need someone to talk to, so if you ever want to anonymously vent your lungs out, my inbox is open. Wishing you the best.

 

[deltahead]

do you remember the blue whale challenge from a few years ago, and how every gullible boomer in this country went apeshit about it? every Dona Neide could believe that the computer demons were corrupting her kids and making them suicidal. this vague, mostly imagined threat mired in disinformation served to validate their technological paranoia and soothe any insecurities they might have had about their kids and whatever issues they may be facing. what i'm saying is, don't expect your family to respect your intellect or dignity or humanity, even in death. chances are your parents will just deflect, pin the blame on everything they think will make them feel better, and "honor" only the infantilized version of you their brains cooked up. even if they feel guilty about it (they probably will), they'll feel it for the wrong reasons. "oh no, how could WE let this happen to our little baaaaaby?!". it's an easy, convenient, training wheels version of grief that subtly makes your death all about them and their feelings and their actions.

if you write that note, write it for yourself. don't think about them, or their reaction. be as articulate as possible, make your wishes clear, so there's no chance of you being misunderstood. you'll be ignored most likely, but you're leaving them no choice but to ignore you because the raw truth is too scary.

 

[Realityisawful]

I don't think you should feel pressured into writing a suicide note for your parents if they have neglectful and ignorant attitudes towards the way you live your life.

 

[Oblivion Lover]

Thanks for the replies, guys. You've gotten good points in there and thinking about it I've decided to write a short note. This way I don't need to stress myself too much and at the same time it can probably do some harm reduction. I have no idea of how to start, though. Does anyone have any tips?

 

[calendulo]

I do not know whether will be useful.

I just to read a report suicides in Province of Ontario. From 2012 to 2015. 20 cases.
A suicide note or communication of the intent to die was documented in 14 of the 20 cases.

Well, actually, It is not useful.

 

[Ladylethal]

I've been writing notes for a few months now....It's a bit therapeutic. I need people to know the truth