Help Should a mother ctb?

[Verodv]

Disclaimer: I'm not native in english so pls bear with me or pass.

I don't have good memories of my childhood, I was abused and I devoted my entire life to prove them wrong. I'm lucky to live in a country with free healtcare and university. When I read of those of you who can't access to meds or terapy my heart bleed.

So finally I managed to have both a good career and three children and a house with garden all around.

I work from home since I can't stand relating with people outside job matters. I was diagnosed with BPD and PTDS so basically I just don't have any skin or protections, I'm easely fooled and even robbed.

Despite the hell I'm living in, my children seems to develop in a normal way. Occasionaly I make a check up with a psy with the excuse of the divorce. Their teachers are enthusiastic.

So here the question:

At what point they will realized I'm not only very tired? That my panic attack are not headache? That I relay on a 9 years old to look after a 2 yo if I'm KO?

Their father married another woman last week. I'm thinking to ctb but after I spent I whole life in pain just to let them have one better, I really need advice on how to explain it's for the better.

 

[hʚll]

i'm sorry you are going through so much pain. i feel bad for your kids too because is unfair towards them, they were brought to this world without a choice and maybe soon they will lose their mother..
you probably never meant harm when you decided to have kids but sigh. there's so much pain for everyone involved.. not saying it's your fault. it's just really sad.

 

[Verodv]

i'm sorry you are going through so much pain. i feel bad for your kids too because is unfair towards them, they were brought to this world without a choice and maybe soon they will lose their mother..
you probably never meant harm when you decided to have kids but sigh. there's so much pain for everyone involved.. not saying it's your fault. it's just really sad.

Thank you for your answer, I was diagnosed after their birth. At first doctor label it as a "normal post partum". I didn't bring them here to hurt them, I was so naive to think that if I had my own happy family all the pain of my past family would simply fade away...

 

[nightnightnitrite]

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in): At the end of the day, it's your body and your choice but the choice to bring children into the world ultimately decides your own fate of having to stay here as well. From my own experience, I feel like I'm no longer able to leave this world however they wouldn't have anybody like your husband or new wife to look after them so that is also part of my reason for staying. I feel as if I messed up having a child hoping it will make me happier and change things but my thoughts are still the same, the only thing that has changed is the increase in amount of guilt I feel surrounding those thoughts because my life isn't mine anymore, it's my child's. I hope you figure out whatever it is that you need but like I said, it's your body and your choice and if you really feel they'd be better off without you, don't let anybody guilt you into your decision. Despite this being a suicide forum, people tend to think they know all about your life from a 500 word post you've made. Be safe lovely<3

 

[Lost Magic]

In my opinion a mother should stay to see their kids grow up. You are basically responsible for them since you brought them into this world and no child should have to lose their mother at a young age.

 

[Verodv]

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in): At the end of the day, it's your body and your choice but the choice to bring children into the world ultimately decides your own fate of having to stay here as well. From my own experience, I feel like I'm no longer able to leave this world however they wouldn't have anybody like your husband or new wife to look after them so that is also part of my reason for staying. I feel as if I messed up having a child hoping it will make me happier and change things but my thoughts are still the same, the only thing that has changed is the increase in amount of guilt I feel surrounding those thoughts because my life isn't mine anymore, it's my child's. I hope you figure out whatever it is that you need but like I said, it's your body and your choice and if you really feel they'd be better off without you, don't let anybody guilt you into your decision. Despite this being a suicide forum, people tend to think they know all about your life from a 500 word post you've made. Be safe lovely<3

Even I don't know you your kind and respectfull word really warm me. I neither feel my life it's in my hands anymore. But I'm such a burden to all people I love e so scary to hurt then even more with my pain than with my loss. Thank you again.

 

[hʚll]

Thank you for your answer, I was diagnosed after their birth. At first doctor label it as a "normal post partum". I didn't bring them here to hurt them, I was so naive to think that if I had my own happy family all the pain of my past family would simply fade away...

it's difficult for me to say anything about this topic because i'm against creating life. but at the same time i'm sorry you are feeling a lot of pain.i think many people think that kids could solve everything. or they are manipulated to think so without taking into account if it's moral towards the children to be in existence just to fix things for the parents
i know you didn't mean to hurt them..i don't know you or what you are going through. i don't have any advice either. i just wish you and your kids to be in peace soon..

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

If you CTB then who will look after the kids ? I think if you really want to CTB, then make sure to find new guardian for them.

 

[Verodv]

If you CTB then who will look after the kids ? I think if you really want to CTB, then make sure to find new guardian for them.

Yes they already have another family (we hava shared custody) plus I save every cents to make a found for their study (in case they need to move, here in Italy you don't have to pay to study)

 

[fly away]

I'm just curious….how many people on this site have children? It brings a whole new level of guilt to the CTB discussion.
I have 3 Kids. All mid to late twenties. I didn't have them to fill a hole in myself, or to live through them or to right the wrongs done to me. I have made sure they've all had counseling to fix anything I may have unconsciously done. Are they screwed up.? Probably, as no one gets through life unscathed.
But now they are adults, in their own lives, while I haven't left my room for almost 2 years.
My question is, do I live the next 20 yrs in hell because I had children? I've had depression for almost 50 years. I have both mental and physical illnesses, including cancer. What if I were diagnosed with cancer when my kids were young? Would I still get such grief for being selfish and dying? Probably not. But Will I forever be blamed for ctb because I was mentally ill and "weak?" Even at the age of 60?
Absolutely.

I hope this makes sense and that I didn't offend anyone. These thoughts are solely mine and I know everyone's situation is different.

 

[doesntevenmatter]

I am so sorry for the pain you're going through and the thought of having to leave your children. I can't tell you what to do, nor would I try to, but I can give you my opinion. As long as you make sure the children are going to be cared for when you CTB, which it seems you have, then I believe you have every right to do with your body as you wish. Some people might disagree with that, but they aren't directly in your shoes. It's your choice. It's definitely a sad situation and I feel for you and for your kids. After all, we have no idea how badly your passing would affect them, but all you can really do is make sure they have a home and will be cared for when you're gone and it seems you've done that, so in my mind you've done your part and the rest should be up to you.

As for explaining the situation, I don't think you really can explain it to them. All you can really do is show them how much you love them before the time comes.

 

[BornBrief]

I am friends with someone whose mother killed herself and it completely tore the family apart. Including him, he hasn't gotten over it after all these years and it effects him all the time. Hard to feel like it's ever justifiable seeing how much it's killed all of them in a way.

 

[justsad&done]

I'm just curious….how many people on this site have children? It brings a whole new level of guilt to the CTB discussion.
I have 3 Kids. All mid to late twenties. I didn't have them to fill a hole in myself, or to live through them or to right the wrongs done to me. I have made sure they've all had counseling to fix anything I may have unconsciously done. Are they screwed up.? Probably, as no one gets through life unscathed.
But now they are adults, in their own lives, while I haven't left my room for almost 2 years.
My question is, do I live the next 20 yrs in hell because I had children? I've had depression for almost 50 years. I have both mental and physical illnesses, including cancer. What if I were diagnosed with cancer when my kids were young? Would I still get such grief for being selfish and dying? Probably not. But Will I forever be blamed for ctb because I was mentally ill and "weak?" Even at the age of 60?
Absolutely.

I hope this makes sense and that I didn't offend anyone. These thoughts are solely mine and I know everyone's situation is different.

I can relate to you so much. Also have three kids in their 20s and also have suffered from physical illness and mental anguish. I too wonder when is it enough? Do I just continue on for others?

 

[Verodv]

I can relate to you so much. Also have three kids in their 20s and also have suffered from physical illness and mental anguish. I too wonder when is it enough? Do I just continue

I'm living day by day just for them. So exausted having no purpouse or desire. (No, children are not the purpose of a woman life, they're person who deserve the best. Better of me, for sure.)

 

[xLosthopex]

Well I believe it's a fundamental right for anyone to ctb, mother or otherwise…
The majority of us here probably have people in our lives who will be significantly impacted/devastated if we chose to ctb, but at the end of the day it's our body, our choice and no one else has any right to infringe upon that.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Explain to a 2-year-old that it's "for the better"? Maybe use crayons and rubber ducks?

On a more serious note it's sad to see old people still take heed of someone else's subjective moral preferences. My preference is for children to not be traumatized and orphaned, and that doesn't matter (not even to me).

The tone of this post comes across as a bit hostile/edgy, which is not intended. I hope all of our sufferings can stop.

 

[Verodv]

Explain to a 2-year-old that it's "for the better"? Maybe use crayons and rubber ducks?

On a more serious note it's sad to see old people still take heed of someone else's subjective moral preferences. My preference is for children to not be traumatized and orphaned, and that doesn't matter (not even to me).

The tone of this post comes across as a bit hostile/edgy, which is not intended. I hope all of our sufferings can stop.

Why do yuo all think I don't have the basic ability to fake an accident? I'm depressed don't retaeded nor looking for attention.

 

[SleepDealer]

Where is their father in all of this? I understand that you're divorced, but is he really not part of their lives at all anymore? If you were no longer in the picture, would he be held responsible for them in any way? I don't know how it works where you live. It just annoys me that you are being guilted for wanting to CTB, meanwhile the other person responsible for bringing life into this world hasn't even been mentioned.

 

[Verodv]

Where is their father in all of this? I understand that you're divorced, but is he really not part of their lives at all anymore? If you were no longer in the picture, would he be held responsible for them in any way? I don't know how it works where you live. It just annoys me that you are being guilted for wanting to CTB, meanwhile the other person responsible for bringing life into this world hasn't even been mentioned.

He stays with kids almost all weekends and 30 days during year when school are closed. It's a standard agreement for divorce here. He doesn't talk to me but every evening calls on the phone. He's good with them.

Why do yuo all think I don't have the basic ability to fake an accident? I'm depressed don't retaeded nor looking for attention.

Maybe is for my english and I apologize for errors but really I'm not so dumb to let them know why it will happen. If it will happen.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally see the right to die as important. We did not ask to exist so it isn't like we have an obligation to stay alive, it is your body, your choice. I understand it is a hard situation to be in and it will cause pain to others, but I see it as a painful existence suffering solely for the sake of others, I could never do that. I think if I had children and I was going to ctb, I would make sure they were in a place they were cared for and that is what you have done, and that is the important thing I guess.

 

[Verodv]

I want to thank you all, even the ones I didn't reply personally, even the ones a little rough. The possibility to be onest about I feel and I live my life without receiving a big wall of "you can't even think about it" it's such a new experiece I'm in tears.

I'm not rushing my decision, I tried a brand new super specialized terapist just a month ago (3 session at the same cost of my family holiday, total failure).

I just want to close this message with some dark humor: since I'm a very accountable middle aged woman I just have to email my free statal doctor for med prescription and then send my work VAT to a chem industry to get pure SN for alimentar preparation purpose. It wasn't even a lie! LOL

Last I want to say: if your reading this and you're a mother in the first month/years feel free to reach out to me. I won't judge you (pretty obvious after what I wrote above), and even if I'm struggle with my demons I'm deep aware of what kind of problems are in the "don't ask don't tell" of the angelic vision of maternage. You can ask, I will tell.

 

[fly away]

Last I want to say: if your reading this and you're a mother in the first month/years feel free to reach out to me. I won't judge you (pretty obvious after what I wrote above), and even if I'm struggle with my demons I'm deep aware of what kind of problems are in the "don't ask don't tell" of the angelic vision of maternage. You can ask, I will tell.

@Verodv ….and anyone who wants to talk, pls PM me. I'll be around…

 

[Verodv]

@Verodv ….and anyone who wants to talk, pls PM me. I'll be around…

I think I'm not allowed to PM yet but thank you I do appreciate this

 

[KayKay]

@Verodv ; I have nothing to add that others haven't already said. By my heart goes out to you and your family.


I am also a mother with young children and I understand the suffering and the struggle.

I am torn between knowing which is a worse legacy for my children; a mother dead of suicide. Or a mother who struggles on masking how depressed, exhausted, and suicidal she is.

My little ones seem to be doing amazing so far. But how long can I protect them from being damaged by the suffering and sadness in me?

I never wanted to be mother. I became pregnant against my will (no abortion available in my country) and developed terrible post natal depression and PTSD after. And I've been trying to manage it ever since

 

[Verodv]

Thank you for sharing. I've no word (not even in my native language) to explain how deep I feel what you said. I'm also outrage your country doesn't respect human right. I had a IVG after being raped so believe me when I said all my heart is with you.

 

[blue_muse]

This isn't directed specifically at the OP, and I apologise if her question is genuine, I'm noticing threads like these pop-up lately asking similar questions and they're usually by very new users. I'm happy to be proven wrong, but I suspect ulterior motives behind threads like these. It's as though undercover types are infiltrating this forum and posting questions like the OP's, as a way of perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma SS gets in the outside world: "This thread shows how sick they are, encouraging a mother to suicide. We need to shut this site down.".

 

[Verodv]

This isn't directed specifically at the OP, and I apologise if her question is genuine, I'm noticing threads like these pop-up lately asking similar questions and they're usually by very new users. I'm happy to be proven wrong, but I suspect ulterior motives behind threads like these. It's as though undercover types are infiltrating this forum and posting questions like the OP's, as a way of perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma SS gets in the outside world: "This thread shows how sick they are, encouraging a mother to suicide. We need to shut this site down.".

If you read the full thread no one encourage me. As far as concerned my single case the effect was the opposite: I'm relieved since I feel myself understood (this is best explained over here). I'm a real person and in the request for sign in I used an email from my personal domain. I discover this forum from online news talking about closing this forum in my country (LOL).

 

[blue_muse]

If you read the full thread no one encourage me. As far as concerned my single case the effect was the opposite: I'm relieved since I feel myself understood (this is best explained over here). I'm a real person and in the request for sign in I used an email from my personal domain. I discover this forum from online news talking about closing this forum in my country (LOL).

Perhaps you should read my post again. When I said "This thread shows how sick there are, encouraging a mother to suicide", it was an example of pointing out the dishonest intentions some users have in joining SS whilst pretending to be real forum members. I'm allowed to voice an observation.

 

[Verodv]

If you read the full thread no one encourage me. As far as concerned my single case the effect was the opposite: I'm relieved since I feel myself understood (this is best explained over here). I'm a real person and in the request for sign in I used an email from my personal domain. I discover this forum from online news talking about closing this forum in

Perhaps you should read my post again. When I said "This thread shows how sick there are, encouraging a mother to suicide", it was an example of pointing out the dishonest intentions some users have in joining SS whilst pretending to be real forum members. I'm allowed to voice an observation.

I'm sorry if I missed your point. But still, no one encourage me to do it. If someone against this site will say that, it will be a lie.
Thank you to point out this problem, I think admins are working restlessy to keep this place safe.

 

[Verodv]

Blu muse your comment made me uncomfortable and sad.