brokenwaves
i need to cross a border that’s hard to define
- Feb 19, 2021
- 118
i shouldn't still be here, and i wish i wasn't. the longer i stay in this world the more pain i endure & the worse my situation gets. i'm so tired of it all and i was ready to go so long ago, and god i really wish i went through with it then, because now i feel like i'm stuck here for a while. living situation has me stuck with family, can't ctb here. oh a hotel maybe? nope not an option thanks to covid. ok ok hotels should opening back up in next few months, how about then? oh no wait my closest family member is going through the hardest period of their life so far (diagnosed with cancer, underwent bunch of operations, seems as though they'll be ok but one last treatment to go in 2 months, all this on top of a marriage separation).
part of me was happy in a way that i was still here to help at the start of this horror story for my family member, but now i just feel trapped - if i stay, i'm being tortured mentally and what do i even have to offer anymore? and if i go, i'm worsening their situation completely and placing the cherry on top of the shittiest year of their life. but god, lately i just can't cope, i feel like i'm losing my goddamn mind 24/7. i can't think straight and my head is ready to explode. i can barely leave the house for a walk most days, and i'm constantly sick to my stomach with my mental state. i just want out but have seemingly no options.
yes i know there is no "good" timing when it comes to ctb, but i don't want to send them over the edge.
part of me was happy in a way that i was still here to help at the start of this horror story for my family member, but now i just feel trapped - if i stay, i'm being tortured mentally and what do i even have to offer anymore? and if i go, i'm worsening their situation completely and placing the cherry on top of the shittiest year of their life. but god, lately i just can't cope, i feel like i'm losing my goddamn mind 24/7. i can't think straight and my head is ready to explode. i can barely leave the house for a walk most days, and i'm constantly sick to my stomach with my mental state. i just want out but have seemingly no options.
yes i know there is no "good" timing when it comes to ctb, but i don't want to send them over the edge.