Story She's keeps trying to have something with me

[Justsogone]

Last year I met a girl and for a while we tried to hang out and know each other, however this brought some problems, she is throughly insecure about herself and she has a low self-esteem. I have these problems too but I control myself ( I don't argue about anything even if I'm pissed off), instead she is the opposite and I couldn't put up that behavior so that I tried my best helping her about her self-esteem, I mean just talking to her and giving her some advices because I can relate that I know how it feels.
Then I left her behind I told her I wasn't prepared to have a relationship (that's what she wants with me) She at the beginning was upset with me, but some days later she got it.
I ran into her a few days ago and we have been talking these days, she told me that she wanted to try again and keeps typing everyday, I have affection for her but I don't see her as a girlfriend even I cannot have a relationship when I'm a person with problems like suicidal thoughts and I don't feel like living I don't want to drag anyone down with my problems,so that my questions are;
Should I block her?
Should I keep seeing her?
What do you reckon is the most conscious decision?
PD: Sorry I'm drunk as fuck I can barely type

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Don't keep seeing her if you're not into her. Make it clear that you aren't interested (but in a nice way).

 

[Justsogone]

Don't keep seeing her if you're not into her. Make it clear that you aren't interested (but in a nice way).

I've already done that, but she keeps doing it! I don't know how to handle it

 

[Seiba]

It's hard to fully decide for others what they should do -- likely not helped I'm a virgin in my twenties. I would say future contact for one would be based on the severity of your suicidal thoughts and the extent of which you think you'll be alive this year. From my perspective it would be unethical to be in contact with this person if I was going to kill myself because it's likely she still wants to be in a relationship or has feelings. It's likely one of the reasons why she keeps writing, she wants to negotiate your position on the relationship. Ghosting is an option but I'd try explaining to her one more time you'd just rather not be in contact and you don't mean any harm by that -- you just don't want to be in contact with someone regularly who confessed and may have still feelings. If her behavior gets worse and she isn't willing to abide by your choice I would say ghosting is fine then.

Just my two cents, feel free to disregard. Only do what you think is good for your situation.

 

[Justsogone]

It's hard to fully decide for others what they should do -- likely not helped I'm a virgin in my twenties. I would say future contact for one would be based on the severity of your suicidal thoughts and the extent of which you think you'll be alive this year. From my perspective it would be unethical to be in contact with this person if I was going to kill myself because it's likely she still wants to be in a relationship or has feelings. It's likely one of the reasons why she keeps writing, she wants to negotiate your position on the relationship. Ghosting is an option but I'd try explaining to her one more time you'd just rather not be in contact and you don't mean any harm by that -- you just don't want to be in contact with someone regularly who confessed and may have still feelings. If her behavior gets worse and she isn't willing to abide by your choice I would say ghosting is fine then.

Just my two cents, feel free to disregard. Only do what you think is good for your situation.

Sure you can help friend, it doesn't matter if you're virgin.
I agree but it seems like she doesn't want to abide by my choice because I',ve already explained her in a kind way. She also told me that even if we were not meant to have anything she still wanted to be my friend and keeps seeing each other which is weird because I still like her. I don't want her to get used to me due to the fact that she is very sensible

 

[Seiba]

Sure you can help friend, it doesn't matter if you're virgin.
I agree but it seems like she doesn't want to abide by my choice because I already explained her in a kind way. She also told me that even if we were not meant to have anything she still wanted to be my friend and keeps seeing each other which is weird because I still like her. I don't want her to get used to me due to the fact that she is very sensible

If she's not willing to listen then maybe just ghosting then. Not respecting your boundaries isn't a great quality of a person. Running into to her again would be pretty awkward, but I'd just I guess tell her you tried upholding the boundary of no contact multiple times and she tried to change it. You felt going no contact without telling her was the best choice as a result.

 

[Justsogone]

If she's not willing to listen then maybe just ghosting then. Not respecting your boundaries isn't a great quality of a person. Running into to her again would be pretty awkward, but I'd just I guess tell her you tried upholding the boundary of no contact multiple times and she tried to change it. You felt going no contact without telling her was the best choice as a result.

That's what I thought.
She is not respecting me and this was one of the reasons why I walked away from her in the past. As I said she' s sensible also she insist a lot about hanging out she is inviting me everyday to her house.
On the other hand since yesterday she has been typing things like " I'm ugly that's why you won't come to my house"
I mean she is kind of blackmailing me.
In fact last week she told me something like she sometimes wants to die.

Thank you for your answer!

 

[Seiba]

That's what I thought.
She is not respecting me and this was one of the reasons why I walked away from her in the past. As I said she' s sensible also she insist a lot about hanging out she is inviting me everyday to her house.
On the other hand since yesterday she has been typing things like " I'm ugly that's why you won't come to my house"
I mean she is kind of blackmailing me.
In fact last week she told me something like she sometimes wants to die.

Thank you for your answer!

Yeah it sounds like she's emotionally blackmailing you with the ugly bit. Not a healthy communicator -- not sure anything with her can be salvaged honestly. No problem for the answer.

 

[Justsogone]

Yeah it sounds like she's emotionally blackmailing you with the ugly bit. Not a healthy communicator -- not sure anything with her can be salvaged honestly. No problem for the answer.

For sure It is throughly frustrating

 

[Lurker]

Last year I met a girl and for a while we tried to hang out and know each other, however this brought some problems, she is throughly insecure about herself and she has a low self-esteem. I have these problems too but I control myself ( I don't argue about anything even if I'm pissed off), instead she is the opposite and I couldn't put up that behavior so that I tried my best helping her about her self-esteem, I mean just talking to her and giving her some advices because I can relate that I know how it feels.
Then I left her behind I told her I wasn't prepared to have a relationship (that's what she wants with me) She at the beginning was upset with me, but some days later she got it.
I ran into her a few days ago and we have been talking these days, she told me that she wanted to try again and keeps typing everyday, I have affection for her but I don't see her as a girlfriend even I cannot have a relationship when I'm a person with problems like suicidal thoughts and I don't feel like living I don't want to drag anyone down with my problems,so that my questions are;
Should I block her?
Should I keep seeing her?
What do you reckon is the most conscious decision?
PD: Sorry I'm drunk as fuck I can barely type

Though it's not exactly the same, I can kind of relate. I had an ex-online friend. We were both insecure and had low self-esteem. Ex-friend liked me romantically, I didn't. When I rejected her, she started telling me about all of their life problems, said she was suicidal, depressed, begged me not to cut her off, so I didn't. Though we both were struggling, I ended up doing a lot of the supporting. She kept telling me that I was her only true friend, that all her other friends were fake, that she needed me to always be there for her, wanted to talk to me all the time. It was difficult to always be there for her though, because my life was falling apart at the time, and she knew that. Later on, ex-friend said she wished we would flirt with each other, asked if I would ever change my mind about liking her back. I reminded her that I don't like her in that way, and that I never would.

Right after this, ex-friend became more desolate, talking about how she would CTB, that she was going to do it, but whenever she felt like it, that she was going to do it later, but not today, just that she was going to do it soon... I just wanted her to be happy and have some peace in her life. I knew that she had problems and just needed support, but I wasn't in the best place to be sufficient support for her. And it started to feel like she wanted me to be responsible for her life/decisions/CTB, like I should like her back or get into a relationship with her. She also knew I'm suicidal, but didn't even bother to check-in with me or ask me how I was doing like I did for her everyday. She just talked about herself.

I told her I felt emotionally drained and went no contact for months. I came back after my friend pleaded me to. Ex-friend is angry that I left. I ask if she still likes me romantically, she does. She tells me that she just wants to be friends again though. I still felt uneasy from everything that happened before, so I tell her no and that this was goodbye. At first, she was cool about it, but then she tried to contact me to ask me to come back, even after I blocked her. I haven't talked to her since.

---

TL;DR (I went on a bit of a rant/emotional dump, apologies haha): I think I had a similar experience with an ex-friend. We were both insecure people with low self-esteem, struggling mentally and emotionally. She confessed her crush to me, I rejected her. We kept talking, I tried to support her. She would belittle herself a lot and wanted to talk to only me, all the time, and ignored everyone else. I was struggling too, and she wasn't supporting me much. She asked again if I would like her back, I remind her I didn't like her that way. She started talking more and more about CTB and kept teasing me about when she would CTB. I did all of the emotional supporting. She would never ask me how I was doing and only talked about herself. I cut her off, I came back, she was angry I left. She still liked me, but claimed she just wanted to be friends again. I cut her off again.

I'm not the best at giving advice, but if I were put into your shoes, I would give her an ultimatum. Something like: Remember that I've told you before, I like you, but as a friend, not a girlfriend. I don't want to give you false hope that I will enter a relationship with you whenever I talk to you or agree to hang out. I've already explained these things to you kindly in the past. If you can't respect my choice/feelings/boundaries, then I will block you for good.

I agree a lot with what Seiba said. I also think it would be best if you try to explain things to her one last time, and if she doesn't respect that, you'd be justified in blocking her. Even if she is your friend, she isn't be very friendly by not respecting your boundaries.

And it does sound like she's guilt-tripping you into coming over by saying she's "ugly" and trying to imply that you think that, and therefore won't spend time with her.

Anyway, I wish you good luck and that whatever decision you make, I'm rooting that it goes well. Ultimately, I think you should do what you think is best, since circumstances may be very nuanced, and I have faith that you know her and the circumstances best.

 

[Justsogone]

Though it's not exactly the same, I can kind of relate. I had an ex-online friend. We were both insecure and had low self-esteem. Ex-friend liked me romantically, I didn't. When I rejected her, she started telling me about all of their life problems, said she was suicidal, depressed, begged me not to cut her off, so I didn't. Though we both were struggling, I ended up doing a lot of the supporting. She kept telling me that I was her only true friend, that all her other friends were fake, that she needed me to always be there for her, wanted to talk to me all the time. It was difficult to always be there for her though, because my life was falling apart at the time, and she knew that. Later on, ex-friend said she wished we would flirt with each other, asked if I would ever change my mind about liking her back. I reminded her that I don't like her in that way, and that I never would.

Right after this, ex-friend became more desolate, talking about how she would CTB, that she was going to do it, but whenever she felt like it, that she was going to do it later, but not today, just that she was going to do it soon... I just wanted her to be happy and have some peace in her life. I knew that she had problems and just needed support, but I wasn't in the best place to be sufficient support for her. And it started to feel like she wanted me to be responsible for her life/decisions/CTB, like I should like her back or get into a relationship with her. She also knew I'm suicidal, but didn't even bother to check-in with me or ask me how I was doing like I did for her everyday. She just talked about herself.

I told her I felt emotionally drained and went no contact for months. I came back after my friend pleaded me to. Ex-friend is angry that I left. I ask if she still likes me romantically, she does. She tells me that she just wants to be friends again though. I still felt uneasy from everything that happened before, so I tell her no and that this was goodbye. At first, she was cool about it, but then she tried to contact me to ask me to come back, even after I blocked her. I haven't talked to her since.

---

TL;DR (I went on a bit of a rant/emotional dump, apologies haha): I think I had a similar experience with an ex-friend. We were both insecure people with low self-esteem, struggling mentally and emotionally. She confessed her crush to me, I rejected her. We kept talking, I tried to support her. She would belittle herself a lot and wanted to talk to only me, all the time, and ignored everyone else. I was struggling too, and she wasn't supporting me much. She asked again if I would like her back, I remind her I didn't like her that way. She started talking more and more about CTB and kept teasing me about when she would CTB. I did all of the emotional supporting. She would never ask me how I was doing and only talked about herself. I cut her off, I came back, she was angry I left. She still liked me, but claimed she just wanted to be friends again. I cut her off again.

I'm not the best at giving advice, but if I were put into your shoes, I would give her an ultimatum. Something like: Remember that I've told you before, I like you, but as a friend, not a girlfriend. I don't want to give you false hope that I will enter a relationship with you whenever I talk to you or agree to hang out. I've already explained these things to you kindly in the past. If you can't respect my choice/feelings/boundaries, then I will block you for good.

I agree a lot with what Seiba said. I also think it would be best if you try to explain things to her one last time, and if she doesn't respect that, you'd be justified in blocking her. Even if she is your friend, she isn't be very friendly by not respecting your boundaries.

And it does sound like she's guilt-tripping you into coming over by saying she's "ugly" and trying to imply that you think that, and therefore won't spend time with her.

Anyway, I wish you good luck and that whatever decision you make, I'm rooting that it goes well. Ultimately, I think you should do what you think is best, since circumstances may be very nuanced, and I have faith that you know her and the circumstances best.

Damn! It is a similar situation, but I think you knew how to handle it.
As I said before I talked to her, Even we saw each other where I claimed her friendly that I'm not into her, I liked her but in the past. Of course yes I totally understand you It's pretty difficult to give emotionally support in that situation, I support her due to the fact that I know how it feels to be like that even she has the same patterns than your exfriend. She always needed me, She told me she feels worthless and she is ugly and that's why she has never found a man in two years that she was always thinking about me when we grew apart ( 6 months ago). Despite the situation I don't think she is a bad person though the fact that she is blacmailing me is bothering me.
So to sum it up, if she keeps like this I'll have to block her, I can't see any other way out.
Thank you for tour comment and your advice I totally understand what you are trying to say me.
Cheers

 

[Lurker]

Damn! It is a similar situation, but I think you knew how to handle it.
As I said before I talked to her, Even we saw each other where I claimed her friendly that I'm not into her, I liked her but in the past. Of course yes I totally understand you It's pretty difficult to give emotionally support in that situation, I support her due to the fact that I know how it feels to be like that even she has the same patterns than your exfriend. She always needed me, She told me she feels worthless and she is ugly and that's why she has never found a man in two years that she was always thinking about me when we grew apart ( 6 months ago). Despite the situation I don't think she is a bad person though the fact that she is blacmailing me is bothering me.
So to sum it up, if she keeps like this I'll have to block her, I can't see any other way out.
Thank you for tour comment and your advice I totally understand what you are trying to say me.
Cheers

Yes, I relate to your story a lot. You took the words right out of my mouth, that I also wanted to help my ex-friend because I understand how it feels like be unwanted/useless/worthless etc and have no one support me. My relationship with her really hurt me though, even after a year, I'm not over it yet.

And yeah, it seems like your friend's actions are coming from a place of desperation, but I guess her feelings are so strong now that she's not thinking about how she's hurting you. I hope it all goes well, you have my support!

 

[Justsogone]

Yes, I relate to your story a lot. You took the words right out of my mouth, that I also wanted to help my ex-friend because I understand how it feels like be unwanted/useless/worthless etc and have no one support me. My relationship with her really hurt me though, even after a year, I'm not over it yet.

And yeah, it seems like your friend's actions are coming from a place of desperation, but I guess her feelings are so strong now that she's not thinking about how she's hurting you. I hope it all goes well, you have my support!

That's what I told her, even this has already happened last year when we were dating, it is like she suddenly enter in a state of despair, therefore she start to text me in that way.
Thank you so much I appreciate it I hope you're okay. Hugs friend

 

[Justsogone]

UPDATING:
She has texted me last night, it was going everything normal though it turned out she suddenly wound up with a comment exactly like this:

"Look, I was thinking about it and I have no doubt that if you find someone later, someone with you have a stable relationship it would be unfair for me, due to the fact that I've already tried with you several times but you never accepted me as a girlfriend, I just thought that situation would be unfair for me"
After that ass pain, I tried to explain her again but it was useless, we started to argue a bit, It pissed me off. Even so I couldnt block her.

 

[Lurker]

Sorry for the late reply, life stuff was happening. And thanks for the kind words, I am doing okay for the moment.

You have to deal with a lot of emotions, plus you still have a life outside of her relationship with you, so it's alright that you didn't block her. Personally, I think it takes a lot of willpower to block someone you've been involved on such an emotional level. It really fucks with your head. It was hard for me to cut my ex-friend off, and many times I wanted to check up on her or go back even though I knew that I couldn't see anything good happening/any more progression in our relationship.

And maybe I'm projecting my past experience onto my interpretation of her comment, but it sounded like she was trying to emotionally guilt you again and was implying that you're being unfair to her, which isn't true. Just because a person tries many times to get something/someone that doesn't mean they are entitled to that thing/person. Sigh, she has to understand that doing all these things for someone doesn't mean that that person is going to return anything back. And if you ever do get into another romantic relationship with someone else, she wouldn't really be being a friend to you if she's not happy for you. And she's already crossed a lot of your boundaries too. I wish she would understand or try to understand/listen to your explanation or realize how she's affecting you, but until she does it does seem useless.

I'm sure you already know this and I hope it doesn't feel like a lecture haha, but yeah, you don't have to block her right away. Taking some time off from talking to her might give you more peace of mind. Just take it at your own pace and do things when you're ready. I hope you're doing alright.

 

[Kristicide]

Last year I met a girl and for a while we tried to hang out and know each other, however this brought some problems, she is throughly insecure about herself and she has a low self-esteem. I have these problems too but I control myself ( I don't argue about anything even if I'm pissed off), instead she is the opposite and I couldn't put up that behavior so that I tried my best helping her about her self-esteem, I mean just talking to her and giving her some advices because I can relate that I know how it feels.
Then I left her behind I told her I wasn't prepared to have a relationship (that's what she wants with me) She at the beginning was upset with me, but some days later she got it.
I ran into her a few days ago and we have been talking these days, she told me that she wanted to try again and keeps typing everyday, I have affection for her but I don't see her as a girlfriend even I cannot have a relationship when I'm a person with problems like suicidal thoughts and I don't feel like living I don't want to drag anyone down with my problems,so that my questions are;
Should I block her?
Should I keep seeing her?
What do you reckon is the most conscious decision?
PD: Sorry I'm drunk as fuck I can barely type

Either be upfront and end it with her.
Or go cold turkey-block all communication.
I agree- if anyone can't be mentally 100% then they shouldn't be starting up a relationship. Not fair to the other person.

 

[Lurker]

Like Kristicide said, my endgame would be to stop talking to her forever/block her. Since you've already been upfront with her/explained your feelings about this situation to her, and she doesn't understand/it was useless, I think there's not much else you can do. It may just take you ending any kind of association with her whatsoever for her to finally start getting over you, and to end any more toxicity.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Tfw no needy gf.

 

[Justsogone]

Sorry for the late reply, life stuff was happening. And thanks for the kind words, I am doing okay for the moment.

You have to deal with a lot of emotions, plus you still have a life outside of her relationship with you, so it's alright that you didn't block her. Personally, I think it takes a lot of willpower to block someone you've been involved on such an emotional level. It really fucks with your head. It was hard for me to cut my ex-friend off, and many times I wanted to check up on her or go back even though I knew that I couldn't see anything good happening/any more progression in our relationship.

And maybe I'm projecting my past experience onto my interpretation of her comment, but it sounded like she was trying to emotionally guilt you again and was implying that you're being unfair to her, which isn't true. Just because a person tries many times to get something/someone that doesn't mean they are entitled to that thing/person. Sigh, she has to understand that doing all these things for someone doesn't mean that that person is going to return anything back. And if you ever do get into another romantic relationship with someone else, she wouldn't really be being a friend to you if she's not happy for you. And she's already crossed a lot of your boundaries too. I wish she would understand or try to understand/listen to your explanation or realize how she's affecting you, but until she does it does seem useless.

I'm sure you already know this and I hope it doesn't feel like a lecture haha, but yeah, you don't have to block her right away. Taking some time off from talking to her might give you more peace of mind. Just take it at your own pace and do things when you're ready. I hope you're doing alright.

No worries, I'm glad to hear it friend.
Yeah, It's pretty hard cut her off since idk how she could respond, maybe she would try to text me on another social network and even I can run into her, there are odds because I live in a small town.
Well since I updated she hasn't text me for now so that I'm quite if you ask me haha.
Thanks for the answer.
Cheers

Either be upfront and end it with her.
Or go cold turkey-block all communication.
I agree- if anyone can't be mentally 100% then they shouldn't be starting up a relationship. Not fair to the other person.

I totally agree! People don't understand though, Most people just longing to have a relationship to show off on social media and their environment. I don't see any sense.
Thank you for the answer

Tfw no needy gf.

Hahaha.
In my case and in this moment I don't need that, I'm not fit and it seems that neither is she. It would be a waste of time, don't You think so?