She left and I fell apart

[longglost]

My ex girlfriend has moved on after we were together for a year and have been best friends for three years. Our relationship was rocky and she cheated on me. However we were 17 and long distance so I'm sure that was hard for her. We broke up because I was mentally drained and had to move back home. For a year she would come to see me for a week or I would go see her. I couldn't take her back because I was still hurt over what she did to me and I wasn't sure if I would get over it. But after a year I did get over it and was ready to live a healthy life with her. A fresh start for the both of us. She's completely fallen out of love with me now and has left me behind after I worked so hard to love her from scratch again. She really is everything to me and she always held me down. She was my home and I never stopped thinking about her.
My mental health has been affecting my life for about eight years now and it's worse than ever now. I'm so tired of feeling this way. Everyday I feel so bad and my mind tortures me. She used to be able to calm me down. Her voice and kindness always helped me but now she's so cold to me. Even when I beg for her to help me when I'm falling apart she just hangs up on me. I've never had anyone care about me like that in my life and I don't have in me to go looking for it somewhere else when I'll just lose it again. I've decided to ctb by inert gas method. I have lived a very long and difficult life and this truly is my breaking point. Everyone here is very considerate here and it feels good to put this out there even if nobody sees it. I don't want people in my life to think I'm dramatic for ending it because of this but she really meant that much to me. As much as I hate myself I can't bear to feel like this anymore. It's inhumane. I'm so alone but just reading what everyone else has to say has made me feel a bit better. Even if it's just for right now.

 

[avoid]

Our relationship was rocky and she cheated on me. However we were 17 and long distance so I'm sure that was hard for her.

I don't know the type of relationship you had with your ex but cheating is never OK. If a partner is unhappy in a relationship then he/she needs to communicate that whether that means solving problems or breaking up. Cheating as a means of escape is not healthy. So that sucks for you, sorry. But it seems you still have feelings for her so I understand why you border on forgiveness or seeing reason in her choice. And if it's between committing suicide and finding someone new to love, I really hope you'll find love again. I hope you find happiness and peace.

 

[devils~advocate]

Yes I agree...you are still young. You still have time to work things out in your life.
Ive had this happen twice....in marriages. I dont want to come across as hypocritical....but Its one of the reasons for my ctb.
But Ive had time for this to pass...reflect, think...for years.
Ive realized these spouses...if they did care about me, they wouldnt have done what they did.
Trust is a fragile thing...its not something to pass around lightly.
Once you feel you can not trust anyone ever again....then you'll know that ctb is best outcome.

 

[M3lancholia]

I agree with the above too. I know you're in so much pain right now but if you can try to take it a day at a time - maybe try connecting with other people and going out as a distraction. I promise that in time the pain will fade. It's difficult to make a rational decision when the pain is so raw but ctb is always gonna be there if you feel the need in the future. Just give yourself time and space to heal and you may find you think differently. You need to cut all ties with her though, and remember that you deserve so much better

 

[longglost]

Once you feel you can not trust anyone ever again....then you'll know that ctb is best outcome.

This has definitely been my tipping point but my reasons for wanting to ctb extend way beyond this. Having suffered years of abuse by the hands of my family, the people who were supposed to love me, I've accepted that love isn't something for me. I never thought she would leave me since I loved her so much. I understand she has the right to do what she feels she needs and I hold zero resentment towards her. However this has been long coming for me. This pain has been present in my life for 15 years. I'm beyond exhausted.

You need to cut all ties with her though, and remember that you deserve so much better

I appreciate you saying that, I really do. However I don't want it to seem like she didn't actually love me or that we weren't actually in love. We just had a rough start. She's been really lovely to me through the later parts of us knowing each other. The pain however is really too much for me to endure without anything to hold on to or look forward to. Thank you very much for your words though.

 

[Not Sure]

Try to imagine how it's like when your wife of 9 years (together since we were 17, total of 18+ years) comes and tells you she doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce, mostly because of (my) bipolar and looong depressive episodes. So I'm back here, checking out how to do SN without AE or propanolol (she took those with her).

 

[longglost]

Try to imagine how it's like when your wife of 9 years (together since we were 17, total of 18+ years) comes and tells you she doesn't love you anymore and wants a divorce, mostly because of (my) bipolar and looong depressive episodes. So I'm back here, checking out how to do SN without AE or propanolol (she took those with her).

I couldn't even imagine. I only knew this girl for 3 years and she took my heart and soul when she left. I'm sorry that she left you because of your mental illness. My ex also left me because I wasn't mentally well. Do you know if SN would be a more viable way to ctb than nitrogen?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

My ex also left me for similar reasons, and she cheated on me as well. For me, it has gotten somewhat better though. I knew her for about 4 years and we dated for 1 year. It sucked, and I don't really have much advice to offer. Sorry that you're going through this, life fucking sucks sometimes.