Sharp mental health decline, lost everything, actively seeking exit

[Too_Many_Regrets]

Hi all,

Over the past several years I've been realizing a noticeable decline in mental health. I started psych meds in 2016, nothing has ever worked for any length of time. I was a horrible infidelious man in my prior relationship, resulting in unbearable guilt and relapse with alcohol in 2019. I ended up meeting a junkie whom introduced me to hard drugs and gaslighted me back to relapse and eventually losing my job. My following job was great, but not enough to support my life. I met another woman whom was really something, however when that became a quickly failed prospect after one massive argument due to my repeated incessant validation needs, I dove head first into the bottle, drinking 151 exclusively for a month. Experiencing withdrawals as far as a seizure. I tapered, however it was too late. I had done too much damage to my apartment, and lost it. I was staying in a friend's trailer, but shortly lost my job, and unable to find work since January.

I had to surrender some of my pets to the previous girl, with the intention of getting them back when I became stable again. Unfortunately, I only worsened. My emotion surrounding this person was abnormal, and continually being denied work (many times due to a felony 7 years ago), as well as guilt about being at my friend's for so long (applied to 300+ jobs, 15+ interviews), coupled with the strong emotion towards this girl with no chance of realizing anything, I started binge drinking and taking pills (amitriptyline, Librium, etc). Several weeks ago, I blacked out, cut my arm deep enough to sever tendons, and police were called. I almost attempted suicide by cop, but changed my mind at the last minute. I was put on a 5150, stayed at a facility for several days.

Fast forward to now, I lost that place because I wasn't allowed to drink there. I've been living out of my car. The girl has been extremely firm and callous in her complete disdain and excommunication of me. I have not been able to cope with knowing no matter what I do, I will never realize a life as I ever have. My final request was for her to caretake my cat of 10yrs. The single most important being in my life. However excommunication still stands. While I do understand, as I have said some pretty terrible things under the influence, I can't accept there's nothing I could do to fix anything.

I've lost my pets, most all of my friends over the course of my alcoholism, I have no responsibilities or anything binding me to this life. I've distanced myself from the few who do care. My pets are safe and in good hands. I've been using meth again for the past couple weeks, drinking a bit (usually driving so can't all the time) and just bought a little under 2g of black tar H recently. I was wanting to use the black tar, but I tried insufflation and didn't seem to work as well, felt pretty sick. I'd prefer to avoid IV route. I've been trying to buy a gun under the table, I've had one person willing to think about it. Gun is 100% the best way. I'm terrified of a failed attempt, and I've never truly attempted it because of this.

I'm getting increasingly antsy as the drugs are beginning to worsen my state of mind. I worry about being hasty and using an ineffective method. I've long decided my choice, and I need to find something soon. My car will be repo'd soon, and my funds are dwindling. I don't have an address or time to buy anything online. The only comforting thought that exists is the exit, and time is short.

 

[braketimez]

Damn. I'm really sorry all this has taken place. It's horrific to witness cognitive decline as you are. I'm with you there. You must be exhausted.

 

[Living sucks]

Sorry for all this. I think we all know the only FREE methods that are out there. But it's up to you to choose and decide if this is the way for you. Sorry it's not much help. If only we could all get a free painless quick method.

 

[Too_Many_Regrets]

Damn. I'm really sorry all this has taken place. It's horrific to witness cognitive decline as you are. I'm with you there. You must be exhausted.

I would say I certainly didn't help the process with drinking as much as I were. At some point I gave up entirely on managing things otherwise, and sought only increasingly more destructive behavior.

Once I began blacking out for hours, I developed an alter-ego that became more and more debilitating as I continued to drink. Day after day waking up to more chaos, not understanding what or why I did. The things I said. I kept digging the hole deeper, further removing myself from any chance at changing what I've done.

Now, thought is truly debilitating. The constant yo-yo of emotion from hard drugs, having lost everything, knowing nothing could change what I've done. Constantly wanting to break down and cry seemingly forever, but unable to do so. Today has been spent doing nothing other than CTB research. The thoughts are unmanageable, hyper-focusing on only the more difficult ones. Even the drugs are beginning to lose their efficacy. I don't understand why things had to be this way or how I could possibly allow my life to reach this point. I can't accept everything I've done, and I refuse to continue as a liability on everyone.

Sorry for all this. I think we all know the only FREE methods that are out there. But it's up to you to choose and decide if this is the way for you. Sorry it's not much help. If only we could all get a free painless quick method.

I'm hoping the more effective methods become an option soon, but time is short, if nothing happens soon, I'll be on the street with nothing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you're near a large enough city, Amazon should have drop off points. If not, I'm not sure what methods would be best for you, but I suggest the Resources Compilation, there are megathreads for several methods.

If you were to choose to keep trying to live, I'd say the following things.

First, I would recommend finding a NA and AA programs where you live or online and getting a sponsor ASAP. I have many criticisms of 12-step programs, but they can also serve their purpose. Attending meetings, as many as you can, will help get through the distancing from substances.

Second, I would say with regard to past actions that have negatively impacted the present, to view them with a gratitude that they are over, and try to move forward.

Third, with regard to your ex, I would say to respect and value her self-protective boundaries. Even though it doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end, she is taking care of herself, and if you care about her as well as yourself, it would be helpful to be glad that she's taking care of herself when you were unable to. With recovery, you will be able to better recognize that it's not about you, but how you acted under the influence, and it would be good to respect and protect yourself in the same way she's respecting and protecting herself, so try to turn the perspective around in that way.

Fourth, you are in crisis because of substance abuse, so I would suggest trying to find a program that will help you get through this crisis and get the supportive resources you need for recovery and housing. Maybe contact the last program you were in for a referral, and/or perhaps someone in NA/AA can help.