BeijaFlor

BeijaFlor

Dreamer
Oct 17, 2024
14
heyall...

so... ill be using this thread to post some of what i've been going through, i hope yall dont mind...

just random thoughts, along w random shares, music, etc...

i've got acouple months left, please bare w me...

i've always enjoyed sharing things but, i've never had anybody to sharem with

i wanna leave my records here

ill start w this clip



n yeah i get it, sound like pro-life sorta but, to me personaly not really...

just feels like regret, resentfulness...

of the life i wish i had lived, teenhood nostalgia... (im 35)

please feel free to share whatever yall want aswell

im very lonely, always had trouble making friends n connecting w people so...

anyways...

ill be posting here from time to time

till my time runs out, that is *chuckles*

sexy aubrey plaza GIF
 
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mehwhoknows

mehwhoknows

Member
Oct 27, 2024
17
whats stopping you from sharing this with everyone else outside of this forum if life is so temporary and ull be done eternally soon anyways
 
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BeijaFlor

BeijaFlor

Dreamer
Oct 17, 2024
14
whats stopping you from sharing this with everyone else outside of this forum if life is so temporary and ull be done eternally soon anyways

well... whats stoping me is, that the few people i know, either dont care, or dont believe me...

i've tried reaching out, several times...

but... idk, they just give me the usual spiel, yknow?

"thats nonsense, stop saying that" "everythings gona be ok" "dont worry about it"

it will all... be... fine

so basicly... people i cant connect with

n thats the reason im sharing my thoughts n feelings here, for those who might understand

dont get me wrong, though...

my mind is set, n so is my time

its just... b4 it happens, ido just like to share some of who i am, b4 i leave, w those who might relate better w me
i've cooked some beans today...

leftem soaking in water for acouple of days

they release alot of foam, gas

scooped it out, cookedem on a pressure cooker

added some fried garlic, salt...

hadem w rice, couple sausages

talked w a friend for abit, lives in another state, never met him personally but...

its cool w me

we've met a year ago, cool dude. he's trans, like me

i shared some of what i've been going through, then he went silent on me

guess he didnt know what to say...

n so it goes

the usual stuff, cant blame him

its alright...

people feel unconfortable, i guess

heres another song


so lets see... what else...

been drinkin alot, more than usual...

mixing honey whiskey w cachaça... (distilled sugar cane, brazillian booze)

apartments a mess...

im a mess...

days... time... has been a mix of floating by, n draggin along

got some shrooms, (as incredible as it may sound, theyre actually legal in brazil)

thinking about doing a hi dosage trip soon, but...

got to at least sort my surroundings out...

last time i had an experience like that, was when my nana passed away

went 8g dried, heavy stuff

6 years ago...

trying to find to strenght to even move, do anything

i feel numb, stuck

but, its fine

ill force myself, soon enough

gota do the laundry, clean everything *sighs*

ive got one of those chevron carpets, yknow? black & white zig zags?

gets dirty so fast...

painted the apartments walls red, placed tons of frames around

20200409 101907

20200409 101913

whayall think? got any references?

n yeah, i know stranger things suck... but, i liked the 1st season

besides that, anything else?

anyways...

heres my last song for tonite

 
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mehwhoknows

mehwhoknows

Member
Oct 27, 2024
17
ur awesome i love that first song, i played it sped up for like a month straight, cool feelings from it almost like a good end of the journey bad ending anthem, its top 5 with what i might play if ctb comes (my little dark age)

idk seems like the silence from ur friend is a bit inconsiderate, no matter how hard the reply something must be said, its a sense of shared pain and understanding, im genuinely sorry u experienced that

should i watch akira? im always afraid of the gloomy retro style some older animes have, but its motivating seeing u loved it enough to put it on a wall

never tried shrooms, recently got drunk for the first time and tbh i hated it, its like escapism thats so obviously disconnected that a sense of sad nonexistent force for advancement and progression, everything is blocked, maybe its also because of the company i had when drinking.

my discord is notresuss if u feel more comfortable talking there at any point
 
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BeijaFlor

BeijaFlor

Dreamer
Oct 17, 2024
14
ur awesome i love that first song, i played it sped up for like a month straight, cool feelings from it almost like a good end of the journey bad ending anthem, its top 5 with what i might play if ctb comes (my little dark age)

idk seems like the silence from ur friend is a bit inconsiderate, no matter how hard the reply something must be said, its a sense of shared pain and understanding, im genuinely sorry u experienced that

should i watch akira? im always afraid of the gloomy retro style some older animes have, but its motivating seeing u loved it enough to put it on a wall

never tried shrooms, recently got drunk for the first time and tbh i hated it, its like escapism thats so obviously disconnected that a sense of sad nonexistent force for advancement and progression, everything is blocked, maybe its also because of the company i had when drinking.

my discord is notresuss if u feel more comfortable talking there at any point

yo, you dig little dark age? i love the lyrics... i used to listen to it when going to sleep, like a 1h loop of it...

some of the stuff i share might not have so much to do w suicide n all but, its just like... yknow, stuff i like

n yeah, i felt the same way about my friend...

but, yknow...i try to be understanding

hes... not in the same circunstances n all

n yeah, you should totally watch akira, matter o fact, we could watch it together maybe, ive also got a discord

as for shrooms, well... lets just say, its way, way, waaaaay different than anything else you ever tried...

coz see, like... w alcohol, weed etc... it changes you abit, rite? or alot

w alcohol, it lowers your inhibitions, you talk more freely, you dont think twice as much

w weed, its another vibe etc

but w shrooms... hmmm

shrooms are... sacred

not in a religious sense, but... like... its hard to explain

each experience is different from another, even coming from the same person

theyre... kind of a secret

as in... well, its really tough to put it in words

like... you retain your consciousness, youre aware the whole time, but... youre also presented w this... weird, weird knowledge

that seems to come out of beyond you, exterior

as if, something, or someone (s) are reaching out to you, talkin to you, idk

all i gotta say is, you can use it as a party drug, have a good laugh n all but... that aint whats it really about

its all about... introspection, n then, beyond that...

but, well uhm... i dont wanna advocate for anything here, yknow how it is... if you ever do it, please do it safely

as in, w people you trust or, in a setting youre well confortable with coz, that shit will open your mind, for reals

weather you like it or not, so... yeah

alcohol though, is the worst... its honestly awful

its a depressive drug... makes you feel like shit afterwards, n its not just the hangovers

the only reason ive been drinkin, is coz im at rock bottom atm

alcohol sucks though...

its great, as a "social lubricant", i guess, sure

helps moving things along but, as the saying goes "booze comes in, n the truth comes out"

gotta watch out for it, especially around people
so... i was chating w this random dood tonight, random chatroom...

we got alot in common n all, music taste etc but...

after acouple hours talkin, i opened up n shared my situation

n guess what? yeaaaaap...

dood went cold on me, said he suddenly "had to leave", blocked me

coz see, heres the thing, right?...

you cant really talk to strangers about suicide... they just dont get it, n they dont want anything to do w it

hence again, the reason why im here...

hopefuly trying to connect, reaching out...

its the best i can do, i guess...

ido just like not to feel totally alone, before the time comes

...

ah, well...

n heres another song

 
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mehwhoknows

mehwhoknows

Member
Oct 27, 2024
17
i always thought of shrooms as a bit different but also a bit more risky,

ive heard alot about people taking them and damaging their brains, i always thought substances that alter ur perception of conceivable reality/ natural lively senses cause some sort of potent disruptions to your brain

for an animal to thrive they need security, maybe taking things like mushrooms would give my a worthwhile realization? ive always wanted to reserve such experiences for a time with people i love, its worth it while im here, you take a bit of self sacrifice everytime u make lasting special events.

its a struggle knowing whos rightfully supposed to take that place for you, we all fight to find it, comfort and belonging is possibly the most wholesome feeling social animals experience. it really is a waste doing these things around people you have no real compassion or bond with

theres truth to cope but for how long? it feels like a lost delay that just makes the final steps that much more difficult,

do you watch any other anime?
whats ur discord too?
 

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