Help sharing intentions irl

[germany]

Have any of you shared your intentions of CTB with anyone outside of here, like in real life? I couldn't sleep last night and all I wanted to do was call my best friend and tell her all about what I was feeling. I need to scream it into the void, or just get it over with. I don't think I can keep walking around like normal with this aching pain deep in my chest and deep in my mind. I wish I had someone who I could share this with in person. What do I do? I can't tell anyone close to me, obviously. I thought maybe when I go to Germany this summer (if I make it till then) I could tell my cousin on the last day before I return. Then I can fly home and do it. At least someone will be aware in order to tell the rest of my family so that they don't live with wondering and speculating forever, but he'll be too far away to stop me. Or do I just write a letter/note/email? I don't know, I think I'm going crazy. Help?

 

[NotMeantForHere]

I kinda feel the same way. I have been living in a vacuum with my suicidal thoughts and plans for some time now and yea it's hard b/c if you share this with anyone in your life you will likely end up in the psych ward. At least thats my biggest fear. I think that's why I've gravitated to this site since you can actually say these things on here. Anyways, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you find someone you can share it with. It's hard being so alone in your thoughts and plans.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

I told them because I know they won't stop me and also wishes that I'm dead. So for me it was not very difficult.

 

[lizinha]

Yea, Ive reached out before and I hate myself every single more for doing so because they're all gone now. I notice immideitaly in tone of their texting they just don't care or wanna be involved it made me feel worse at the end regret my decision

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Generally people can't handle it when you tell them. They'll try to help you stay alive, try to convince you to stay alive, possibly judge you, and generally just won't understand. Your friend could understand, but you could also end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood, or even lose her friendship over it. Most people are pro-life, not pro-choice. If there's a problem that's motivating you to ctb perhaps your friend could help with that, but I wouldn't recommend bringing up ctb.

I think it would put a burden on your cousin to tell him/her. Best to send delayed emails explaining and saying goodbye.

Why do you think you're going crazy?

 

[faust]

I told my friend. He was depressed and was often calling me. He started talking lots of stuff about brain which was annoying, and I eventually had to say it is just thoughts, not intentions. So not anymore. People start being annoying when you say about those things irl.

 

[21Neberg]

I haven't told anyone, though people can probably guess it since a few know about one of my failed attempts. Though it's rather lonely, I won't be sharing it anytime soon. I feel like they wouldn't be able to help me anyone, and besides, it would be a shitty thing of me to just dump my issues on them. I'd be a burden.

 

[LastRide]

I told them because I know they won't stop me and also wishes that I'm dead. So for me it was not very difficult.

Your told your friends who also wished you to be dead? That's very strange friends to have ! I mean it's one thing to say "ok I respect your wish to ctb, if there is anything I can do to make you reconsider please let me know, but if you're sure about it I'll just stay close and give you the support you need to go through with it." But that's not quite the same as wishing you were dead !

 

[Viola]

Someone from here and I realised we knew each other irl and we have been talking... we basically live in the same town and used to know each other as a consequence of where he worked.. so now we are messaging a lot and it is nice and comforting to know we have the same mindset. I'd like to think it could be a friendship that lasts with such a core of shared belief and experience.

 

[LastRide]

I also wish I had friends whom I trusted enough to tell them. But they won't understand and we'll just have endless, pointless discussions to convince me not to do it. So I'd rather not tell them. That's why I ended up here on SS ! So @germany, welcome to our community and if you feel the need to talk, we're here for you, we won't judge or try to stop you if you're sure about your ctb, we can even give advice about methods in case you haven't decided that yet. Most of us have tried a few things already and since we're still here to write about it, something wasn't quite working right....just to help you avoid some obvious mistakes that will get you into trouble but not kill you !

 

[Gellar]

I tried being upfront with people, because after I was put in the psych ward - because the psychiatrist thought I was acutely suicidal when I met him, when I actually wasn't, just my usual chronic suicidality - because I felt that I didn't want anyone to say "oh, if only I'd known." The only response was people telling me "You'll get better soon" which makes me feel worse (I've had chronic suicidality and depression since I was 10, so I'm really worn out by this shit, and the psych ward was a chance to realise how no one would notice if I wasn't around).

I did have a fantastic hospital psychologist, who worked really hard to earn my trust and then keep it, and he knows that I'm pretty determined on this. His take was always that it made him really sad because he reckons the world needs me, but he also understood that I'm just exhausted from living like this with depression for over thirty years. He was always upfront that there's no way to take my past away from me, and so I'd always have to face living with some degree of depression and suicidality, and I really appreciated how honest he was about that. He never said "You'll get better!"

 

[Apathy79]

I've been on the other side of this conversation when my best friend told me about a previous serious attempt. I had trouble understanding but I think it was useful for him to tell someone. He still ended up doing it 5 years later, and as far as I could tell, me and his mother were the only ones that knew about the previous attempt. We discussed it with each other briefly, which is how I became aware of this site, but otherwise didn't tell anyone.

The strange part of it was I still saw him almost every day for the next 5 years after that conversation and we never discussed it again. Basically nothing changed, we'd kept secrets from other people before, this was like another one of those. I felt like I understood him better than before, and it explained a few odd behaviours, although I never really "got it".

A lot depends on the other person and how well you can trust them. I think it can be a positive experience.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I could have written that myself, I want to tell my best friend, but I just can't.

I cannot risk her freaking out, for worrying everytime I don't respond to a message straight away, to feel sorry for me.

'Loose lips sink ships'
❤

 

[Jumper Geo]

I have a few times but they think I'm joking, I have said i'm going to top myself I will be floating with the fairies soon,

 

[MsMaudlin]

I have a few times but they think I'm joking, I have said i'm going to top myself I will be floating with the fairies soon,

They'll be like....fuccccckkkkkk when you CTB!
❤

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Your told your friends who also wished you to be dead? That's very strange friends to have ! I mean it's one thing to say "ok I respect your wish to ctb, if there is anything I can do to make you reconsider please let me know, but if you're sure about it I'll just stay close and give you the support you need to go through with it." But that's not quite the same as wishing you were dead !

Told my family. My family wished that I'm dead.. they really meant it. Their actions and words proved that they meant what they said. It's a terrible feeling to be abandoned and unwanted by your family. As for friends... I don't have friends. If my family can be like this to me, I really can't expect anything much from anyone else.

 

[LastRide]

I have a few times but they think I'm joking, I have said i'm going to top myself I will be floating with the fairies soon,

Well if you put it in such a "cute" way...no wonder they think you're joking ! Just add some more drastic description of your method next time !

 

[s1mplem3]

Be careful, usually people don't understand and judge.