I mean specifically the clinics for acute suicidal and psychotic people. During my first psychosis I was in one. And visited my sister in one. I don't want to scare people but these places were not very pleasant.
I am in a clinic currently there are some people who were acute suicidal. I talked to one guy he might have considered me snobbish. On the outside he was very positive. In the clinic he always emphasized that he feels good. At his last day we talked and I found out he recently attempted and had to spend time in a closed psych ward. He sounded disturbed and I ask myself whether he lied in the clinic in order not to risk of having to go back there.
I also debated my clinic stay with friends beforehand. And many of them tried to convinced me to be fully transparent and to admit everything. Despite the pressure I resisted that. And personally for my life I think this was the right decision. My life prospects are objectively very low. I tried over 25 different medication, 6 clinic stays and 3 psychotherapies. I have ordered SN two months ago. I am scared that they don't send it anymore to Germany. Maybe I should have ordered two. But it would have been even more difficult to hide it in front of my mom.
I am not sure whether they would have send me immediately to the closed psych ward in case I admitted I have stored SN in my apartment. The risk was too high for me. Recently I read a woman described she was SA'ed in a closed psych ward. And it was not the first time I read something like that. From my experiences I consider this something not very unlikely to happen in a closed psych ward.
I was psychotic when I was there. But I can remember some things very vividly. I was not a risk to anyone. Not even to myself. I was very peaceful. But with my words I tried to start a revolution. I am not sure whether I semi achieved that. I gave sort of a speech. And some people liked that. My doctor thought I was depressed and gave me an antidepressant which made my psychosis way worse. This is why the forced me to the psych ward.
They immediately fixated/locked me off a portable bed. They told me I need to take some pills or they would give me an injection. I was scared about the pills but I even was way more anxious about an injection. Honestly I think it would ended pretty pretty badly if they gave me that injection. I think the needle would have made me panic big time. FInally I took the pills. Many people describe being fixated on a bed as humiliating. And a traumatizing experience. Honestly, I give zero fucks on that. But that's only my relation to it.
The first night I was fixated on this bed. I perceived the other people as extremely scary. As a psychotic person you still get that the other people are also psychotic but you don't see it for yourself. I was anxious as fuck because of the psychosis but also because of the other patients. Some were really really scared. Insane laughter and very scary behavior. As I said I was fixated on that bed. At night I woke up. And there was this early child hood schizophrenia girl. Maybe she was 8. I think she must have listened to my speech. I was locked off this bed and then she tried to approach me and tried to kiss on my mouth. I was 18 to that time. Always when I told that story I am scared people might think I was a pedo. But I emphasize I slept and she came in my room. I ask myself why they don't lock the fucking doors if dangerous patients are all around. I am not sure how I could leave the room. But I walked to the central staff window. I told them someone is in my room and tried to kiss me. I was scared as fuck. I can't remember the details. But I have a very honorable anecdote I also peed myself in the floor because the boyfriend of my mom thought filling me up with vitamines/orange juice would be could for my health before going there.
I would consider this molestation. It was a scary experience. I cannot remember whether she came again to that room maybe.
I think the staff in these psych ward is completely overburdened. I completely believe that you can easily get sexually assaulted in such a closed psych ward. Especially as young woman. I really cannot understand why they don't separate acute suicidal and psychotic people. This absolutely does not make sense to me. The only reason I can think of is they are too overburdened. One of my life goals is never to go to another closed psych ward clinic. This is one reason why I always strongly emphasize I am not acute suicidal in front of doctors. I am really scared having to go back there. Even as a young man I would be scared of getting assaulted.
My sister was also in one. Maybe even in a worse one. She was also very anxious about the other patients. Some looked like criminals with tats. And many people stole her stuff. There were many people who spoke unknown languages sort of in a violent way. I know maybe that's xenophobic but I think it made us anxious because we were not sure what they told us. I only was a visitor and even then I was anxious. My sister also said while they talked these foreign language they showed handsigns to slit her throat or things like that. And I believed her.
I think she was in a different one compared to me because mine was closed (pun not intended) because of the drastic mismanagment.
Honestly remembering all of this is pretty disturbing. I went through so much shit. I wonder how I managed to survive all of that. Going back to one would feel like a repetition. I was once acute suicidal at a clinic and they considered to send me to a closed psych ward. The therapist really liked me and I think he was aware the closed psych ward could have had a diametrical effect on me.
I could now begin another rant how stupid it is to lock suicidal people up which feels like a punishment. Why can't they spend a month in a luxury hotel instead. This would make way more sense. We could agree that possible methods would still be prohibited. But it feels so obvious to me that suicidal people start lying after such an experience. Why would't you lie if you knew you had to spend your time at such a fucked up place. Maybe I was in a bad closed psych ward but I can very well understand that people don't want to be a staff member at such a place.
Remembering how nightmarish my past was makes me think my suicide is a very rational decision. I am sort of scared they force me to a close psych ward if I survive my attempt. Which would incentivize me even more not to fail. I am already trying as best as I can to increase the chances to succeed.
My intention is not to scare anyone. It is just my honest experience. It was pretty bad there. At least in my case.
It has been a long time since I posted such a long thread.
I am in a clinic currently there are some people who were acute suicidal. I talked to one guy he might have considered me snobbish. On the outside he was very positive. In the clinic he always emphasized that he feels good. At his last day we talked and I found out he recently attempted and had to spend time in a closed psych ward. He sounded disturbed and I ask myself whether he lied in the clinic in order not to risk of having to go back there.
I also debated my clinic stay with friends beforehand. And many of them tried to convinced me to be fully transparent and to admit everything. Despite the pressure I resisted that. And personally for my life I think this was the right decision. My life prospects are objectively very low. I tried over 25 different medication, 6 clinic stays and 3 psychotherapies. I have ordered SN two months ago. I am scared that they don't send it anymore to Germany. Maybe I should have ordered two. But it would have been even more difficult to hide it in front of my mom.
I am not sure whether they would have send me immediately to the closed psych ward in case I admitted I have stored SN in my apartment. The risk was too high for me. Recently I read a woman described she was SA'ed in a closed psych ward. And it was not the first time I read something like that. From my experiences I consider this something not very unlikely to happen in a closed psych ward.
I was psychotic when I was there. But I can remember some things very vividly. I was not a risk to anyone. Not even to myself. I was very peaceful. But with my words I tried to start a revolution. I am not sure whether I semi achieved that. I gave sort of a speech. And some people liked that. My doctor thought I was depressed and gave me an antidepressant which made my psychosis way worse. This is why the forced me to the psych ward.
They immediately fixated/locked me off a portable bed. They told me I need to take some pills or they would give me an injection. I was scared about the pills but I even was way more anxious about an injection. Honestly I think it would ended pretty pretty badly if they gave me that injection. I think the needle would have made me panic big time. FInally I took the pills. Many people describe being fixated on a bed as humiliating. And a traumatizing experience. Honestly, I give zero fucks on that. But that's only my relation to it.
The first night I was fixated on this bed. I perceived the other people as extremely scary. As a psychotic person you still get that the other people are also psychotic but you don't see it for yourself. I was anxious as fuck because of the psychosis but also because of the other patients. Some were really really scared. Insane laughter and very scary behavior. As I said I was fixated on that bed. At night I woke up. And there was this early child hood schizophrenia girl. Maybe she was 8. I think she must have listened to my speech. I was locked off this bed and then she tried to approach me and tried to kiss on my mouth. I was 18 to that time. Always when I told that story I am scared people might think I was a pedo. But I emphasize I slept and she came in my room. I ask myself why they don't lock the fucking doors if dangerous patients are all around. I am not sure how I could leave the room. But I walked to the central staff window. I told them someone is in my room and tried to kiss me. I was scared as fuck. I can't remember the details. But I have a very honorable anecdote I also peed myself in the floor because the boyfriend of my mom thought filling me up with vitamines/orange juice would be could for my health before going there.
I would consider this molestation. It was a scary experience. I cannot remember whether she came again to that room maybe.
I think the staff in these psych ward is completely overburdened. I completely believe that you can easily get sexually assaulted in such a closed psych ward. Especially as young woman. I really cannot understand why they don't separate acute suicidal and psychotic people. This absolutely does not make sense to me. The only reason I can think of is they are too overburdened. One of my life goals is never to go to another closed psych ward clinic. This is one reason why I always strongly emphasize I am not acute suicidal in front of doctors. I am really scared having to go back there. Even as a young man I would be scared of getting assaulted.
My sister was also in one. Maybe even in a worse one. She was also very anxious about the other patients. Some looked like criminals with tats. And many people stole her stuff. There were many people who spoke unknown languages sort of in a violent way. I know maybe that's xenophobic but I think it made us anxious because we were not sure what they told us. I only was a visitor and even then I was anxious. My sister also said while they talked these foreign language they showed handsigns to slit her throat or things like that. And I believed her.
I think she was in a different one compared to me because mine was closed (pun not intended) because of the drastic mismanagment.
Honestly remembering all of this is pretty disturbing. I went through so much shit. I wonder how I managed to survive all of that. Going back to one would feel like a repetition. I was once acute suicidal at a clinic and they considered to send me to a closed psych ward. The therapist really liked me and I think he was aware the closed psych ward could have had a diametrical effect on me.
I could now begin another rant how stupid it is to lock suicidal people up which feels like a punishment. Why can't they spend a month in a luxury hotel instead. This would make way more sense. We could agree that possible methods would still be prohibited. But it feels so obvious to me that suicidal people start lying after such an experience. Why would't you lie if you knew you had to spend your time at such a fucked up place. Maybe I was in a bad closed psych ward but I can very well understand that people don't want to be a staff member at such a place.
Remembering how nightmarish my past was makes me think my suicide is a very rational decision. I am sort of scared they force me to a close psych ward if I survive my attempt. Which would incentivize me even more not to fail. I am already trying as best as I can to increase the chances to succeed.
My intention is not to scare anyone. It is just my honest experience. It was pretty bad there. At least in my case.
It has been a long time since I posted such a long thread.
Last edited:
