UseItOrLoseIt
1O'8
- Dec 4, 2020
- 2,217
My mother, as much as I want to love her, is a psycho. I'm sorry for bothering you all but I just had an argument with her and I punched myself because she put me in a corner, as usual. I don't know what to do any more. I beg her to stop, but she just keeps digging that hole of shame and guilt and I'm so lost. She calls me cursed, she says I should be ashamed, she corrects everything I say, she says she wishes I was never born. And then when confronted with the morality or psychology of her actions, she completely denies everything.
I'm sorry guys.. It's just...everything. My new SN arrived the other day, and I have meto, ranitide and propranolol, I'm all set but I want to live as much as I want to be at peace. I don't know what holds me clinging so tightly to life. I'm so full of shame for everything that I have done, or that I do. What I say, how I look, how I stand, even this message.
Even now, I can hear her wailing in her room, by herself. Wailing or moaning for attention. I'm afraid to fall asleep, to be woken up by her screams. I'm afraid to put headphones on, and not hear her coming.
All my life I've been surrounded by shame and death wishes, and manipulation and theatrics.
The scariest part is that I clearly see I'm becoming what she wants me to become. When she starts screaming, I start screaming, when she tells me I should be ashamed I tell her I know I'm a piece of shit, when she tells me I should die I punch myself in the face.
How else should I respond when every kind and honest way gets lost under her banshee wailing. It's not possible. I'm not even heard, let alone understood.
Instead, I was conditioned to punish myself every time she implies that I should be. It's like my desperate move to prove that she is right and stop yelling at me. But the more helpless I get, the more agressive she gets. She doesn't want only to be proven right. Mostly, she wants me to be proven wrong.
Anyway, continue with your browsing. I just needed to vent. I never get to vent so it can get pretty pretty pretty pretty heavy.
I'm gonna try to sleep now.
I'm sorry guys.. It's just...everything. My new SN arrived the other day, and I have meto, ranitide and propranolol, I'm all set but I want to live as much as I want to be at peace. I don't know what holds me clinging so tightly to life. I'm so full of shame for everything that I have done, or that I do. What I say, how I look, how I stand, even this message.
Even now, I can hear her wailing in her room, by herself. Wailing or moaning for attention. I'm afraid to fall asleep, to be woken up by her screams. I'm afraid to put headphones on, and not hear her coming.
All my life I've been surrounded by shame and death wishes, and manipulation and theatrics.
The scariest part is that I clearly see I'm becoming what she wants me to become. When she starts screaming, I start screaming, when she tells me I should be ashamed I tell her I know I'm a piece of shit, when she tells me I should die I punch myself in the face.
How else should I respond when every kind and honest way gets lost under her banshee wailing. It's not possible. I'm not even heard, let alone understood.
Instead, I was conditioned to punish myself every time she implies that I should be. It's like my desperate move to prove that she is right and stop yelling at me. But the more helpless I get, the more agressive she gets. She doesn't want only to be proven right. Mostly, she wants me to be proven wrong.
Anyway, continue with your browsing. I just needed to vent. I never get to vent so it can get pretty pretty pretty pretty heavy.
I'm gonna try to sleep now.