Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Felt a lot of shame for my own unraveling. Being able to feel and emote feelings I never have before. Having people support me despite it all.
I have been awake lately. Been eating. Talking a lil to my friend and watching anime. Drinking here and there.
Might meet my worker tmrw she's leaving for medical leave for 6 months. I was aging out anyway so my file is abruptly closed. Its sad tbh. My other workers haven't contacted me despite me trying to reach out and make amends with one.
Was feeling a lot of shame lately but not so much today. Understanding my own history and how it impacts my present ig im feeking self compassion not really but bits of it.
Not per say been sleeping well I akin it to the food. Starving and I sleep so so good. But the eating I can't stop. Its still like once a day but eating a variety of my favs. Poutine- discovered a new one THAT IS SOO GOOD. Had authentic tacos from a place close to me. Ugh I live in food heaven tbh. In regards to the take out options and even like if I could/ wanted to walk in the summer. Sooo many options.
Got approved for the extra disability money I needed. Gonna buy SN Thursday or Friday. Seein doc tmrw so will finesse getting meto/antiemetic.
But been thinking and mourning my life/future. Feel like im.slipping through my own fingers and such. Could live. But really not sure I can...
Also gonna get some tests results tmrw regarding thyriod and other auto immune stuff. Scared and nervous.
I dunno if ima live tbh I dunno if I can but im no longer shaming myself for any difficulties in this decisions it's not fucking easy.
Soooo yeah. Im a mess maybe less so given some food fueling me. Im not regretting it as much. Im in my "anorexic binge" phase which is just eating once a day... but allowing that.
I'm feeling sullen as hell tbh. Kinda resolved in dying. Trying to explain to my friend that I can't just deal with one health issue at a time I mean tbh tmrw wont just be a diagnosis of thyriod stuff its everything. / more. It'll diagnosis or proxies of elimination. It'll be the start of treatment or more searching.
But for me Its like given all health issues feed off each other I can't just deal with one at a times. It doesn't work that way for me but I am burnt out on recovery. I have been for awhile.
My brother still calls once a day I dunno why.
or what to do about it. I could talk to him but... I dunno yet. I'm acknowledging the abuse and I can't bring myself to speak to him yet. He may have had his reasons/ a trauma background that let to some skewed views and actions that I understand and have immense compassion and understanding for but it doesnt erase the impact on me. So thats something I need think on....
Tryna see my therapist could've seen her today but kinda felt too much shame and deleted message but replied today plus only could see her for an hour today and I need at least an hour and a half....
Do I live or try to gather myelf while I wait for SN?
Do I just give up and continue to...
Ya kno I've been watching Love Live! Again and omg I watched this in 2015 I was 16/17. Its such a heart-felt show and inspiring. It reminds me of my dreams. (10/10 recommend if ya watch anime)
Im confused. I am sad. I am lost but I am found. I'm either gonna die or I'm gonna keep trying. Maybe ill do all the SN things and get down to drinking it. Sit and stare at it and then just.... not be able to...
Ik what im capable of(sometimes) I dunno if im capable of this. I don't wanna do it impulsively and then like regret it. Arrive at the hospital as a dumb bitch needing to be saved and yeah. Not what I want or need on my file..so when I get SN I need to be sure when I take it.
Sighhsss if I live August is filled with many things. Ultra sounds. Can get on Dads insurance and have more supports. PSW. Drag show with friend. Job prospects.
But it could also be the month I kill myself....
why does my brain and body drag me to fucking living when I'm ready to die WHY.
Does it mean I'm not ready? Is it just basic survival instincts?
I dunno.
I just dunno and today the misery I feel is so heart felt and deep its gonna possibly swallow me.
So im writing it out here while watching a drag related video and then I'm gonna keep sipping and go back to anime. I need to and deserve to distract. I can't be swallowed up yet.
I need help and I need to... I just need help to live. I'm not gonna side track of pretend on that anymore. I can't carry this. I feel the weight of the whole world and my whole past on my shoulders. I walk with an almost limp bc I feel so heavy.
Wouldn't it be better jjst to get rid of this and die? Or get it rid of it in life? I dunno
I showered today finally after a week and brushed my teeth after a fee days I couldn't stand the feeling anymore and funnily enough I finally ordered shower wipes for these kinda times and I needa order teeth wipes/waterless toothbrush. Its time to accommodate myself.
Tmrw I think ima aim to wake up and get to like laundry being the biggest/ first thing to do tmrw. It should be cooler too bc of rain.
Today im sippin and I needa decide what ima eat bc I am hungryyyyy. Ugh but today it's hard to decide kinda wanna starve & sleep but ehhh. I always used to drink & smoke eat and purge. But now I jus... drink and cannabis in edible form and I needa eat but I don't purge.
So it isn't really the same destructive cycle. Different. I'm different. Ok enough being in a puddle/lake of my misery going back to anime. Escapism and distraction is not a negative thing at all not always and not for everyone. I find myself back to life within this rest.
My eyes have life not much but some again after crying.
Its good to get to the bottom of the feeling and let it out. I was abused for this but I'm not anymore so ik it's different but fully but it's getting there ig?
Should I order jajangmyeon? Sashimi? Kimchi fried rice? Tacos? Hmm those are my current thoughts/options been craving Sashimi for awhile / wanting to try it more and tbh maybe I'll leave it for a time I can actually leave the house. Kimchi fried rice is good but I've had it alot
Haven't had jajangmyeon in a coupke of yrs. Nd the Tacos were LIT so I'm very much for it... tho my armpits smells like red onion today bc of it... but eh I'm not mad just my body doing its thing.
Tacos or jajangmyeon. Shall seeeee ja ne.
How do u die with the regret of missing out on living and how to live with the regret of having the chance to die....
.
I have been awake lately. Been eating. Talking a lil to my friend and watching anime. Drinking here and there.
Might meet my worker tmrw she's leaving for medical leave for 6 months. I was aging out anyway so my file is abruptly closed. Its sad tbh. My other workers haven't contacted me despite me trying to reach out and make amends with one.
Was feeling a lot of shame lately but not so much today. Understanding my own history and how it impacts my present ig im feeking self compassion not really but bits of it.
Not per say been sleeping well I akin it to the food. Starving and I sleep so so good. But the eating I can't stop. Its still like once a day but eating a variety of my favs. Poutine- discovered a new one THAT IS SOO GOOD. Had authentic tacos from a place close to me. Ugh I live in food heaven tbh. In regards to the take out options and even like if I could/ wanted to walk in the summer. Sooo many options.
Got approved for the extra disability money I needed. Gonna buy SN Thursday or Friday. Seein doc tmrw so will finesse getting meto/antiemetic.
But been thinking and mourning my life/future. Feel like im.slipping through my own fingers and such. Could live. But really not sure I can...
Also gonna get some tests results tmrw regarding thyriod and other auto immune stuff. Scared and nervous.
I dunno if ima live tbh I dunno if I can but im no longer shaming myself for any difficulties in this decisions it's not fucking easy.
Soooo yeah. Im a mess maybe less so given some food fueling me. Im not regretting it as much. Im in my "anorexic binge" phase which is just eating once a day... but allowing that.
I'm feeling sullen as hell tbh. Kinda resolved in dying. Trying to explain to my friend that I can't just deal with one health issue at a time I mean tbh tmrw wont just be a diagnosis of thyriod stuff its everything. / more. It'll diagnosis or proxies of elimination. It'll be the start of treatment or more searching.
But for me Its like given all health issues feed off each other I can't just deal with one at a times. It doesn't work that way for me but I am burnt out on recovery. I have been for awhile.
My brother still calls once a day I dunno why.
or what to do about it. I could talk to him but... I dunno yet. I'm acknowledging the abuse and I can't bring myself to speak to him yet. He may have had his reasons/ a trauma background that let to some skewed views and actions that I understand and have immense compassion and understanding for but it doesnt erase the impact on me. So thats something I need think on....Tryna see my therapist could've seen her today but kinda felt too much shame and deleted message but replied today plus only could see her for an hour today and I need at least an hour and a half....
Do I live or try to gather myelf while I wait for SN?
Do I just give up and continue to...
Ya kno I've been watching Love Live! Again and omg I watched this in 2015 I was 16/17. Its such a heart-felt show and inspiring. It reminds me of my dreams. (10/10 recommend if ya watch anime)
Im confused. I am sad. I am lost but I am found. I'm either gonna die or I'm gonna keep trying. Maybe ill do all the SN things and get down to drinking it. Sit and stare at it and then just.... not be able to...
Ik what im capable of(sometimes) I dunno if im capable of this. I don't wanna do it impulsively and then like regret it. Arrive at the hospital as a dumb bitch needing to be saved and yeah. Not what I want or need on my file..so when I get SN I need to be sure when I take it.
Sighhsss if I live August is filled with many things. Ultra sounds. Can get on Dads insurance and have more supports. PSW. Drag show with friend. Job prospects.
But it could also be the month I kill myself....
why does my brain and body drag me to fucking living when I'm ready to die WHY. Does it mean I'm not ready? Is it just basic survival instincts?
I dunno.
I just dunno and today the misery I feel is so heart felt and deep its gonna possibly swallow me.
So im writing it out here while watching a drag related video and then I'm gonna keep sipping and go back to anime. I need to and deserve to distract. I can't be swallowed up yet.
I need help and I need to... I just need help to live. I'm not gonna side track of pretend on that anymore. I can't carry this. I feel the weight of the whole world and my whole past on my shoulders. I walk with an almost limp bc I feel so heavy.
Wouldn't it be better jjst to get rid of this and die? Or get it rid of it in life? I dunno
I showered today finally after a week and brushed my teeth after a fee days I couldn't stand the feeling anymore and funnily enough I finally ordered shower wipes for these kinda times and I needa order teeth wipes/waterless toothbrush. Its time to accommodate myself.
Tmrw I think ima aim to wake up and get to like laundry being the biggest/ first thing to do tmrw. It should be cooler too bc of rain.
Today im sippin and I needa decide what ima eat bc I am hungryyyyy. Ugh but today it's hard to decide kinda wanna starve & sleep but ehhh. I always used to drink & smoke eat and purge. But now I jus... drink and cannabis in edible form and I needa eat but I don't purge.
So it isn't really the same destructive cycle. Different. I'm different. Ok enough being in a puddle/lake of my misery going back to anime. Escapism and distraction is not a negative thing at all not always and not for everyone. I find myself back to life within this rest.
My eyes have life not much but some again after crying.
Its good to get to the bottom of the feeling and let it out. I was abused for this but I'm not anymore so ik it's different but fully but it's getting there ig?
Should I order jajangmyeon? Sashimi? Kimchi fried rice? Tacos? Hmm those are my current thoughts/options been craving Sashimi for awhile / wanting to try it more and tbh maybe I'll leave it for a time I can actually leave the house. Kimchi fried rice is good but I've had it alot
Haven't had jajangmyeon in a coupke of yrs. Nd the Tacos were LIT so I'm very much for it... tho my armpits smells like red onion today bc of it... but eh I'm not mad just my body doing its thing.
Tacos or jajangmyeon. Shall seeeee ja ne.
How do u die with the regret of missing out on living and how to live with the regret of having the chance to die....
.
