Set a date

[metothemoon]

I think I set my final CTB date (march 2025). I want to celebrate my birthday once more, say goodbye to everyone and then take the bus. But it gives me mixed feelings. On one hand I don't know how I can take it that long, but on the other hand it makes me sad that my life won't get any better (which I am also sure of, since I am depressed for over 10 years now).
How do I deal with this?

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, I understand feeling so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[smpkie]

My friend, I believe only time can tell. You could spend the next months taking a good look at the world around you. Whatever your choice will be, it's better to let it flow with you. Don't think about it too much, at least not until your date is extremely close.
I see you've struggled a lot, you deserve the best. Whatever your choice will be, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[SVEN]

Maybe just try and experience each day and incident as a one off, reminding yourself that this may be one of the last times you undergo it. Last Christmas to get through, last New Year etc.
If there is anything you even mildly enjoy then feel that bittersweet feeling of this being one of your final opportunities to partake. If a miserable occurence, well, if you go ahead with your plan this may be one of the final times you must go through it.
Best wishes however things go.

 

[avalokitesvara]

What you need to understand if you want to deal with this is that death means none of anything you've written matters one bit. Death is so final and so total it will wipe away the experience of having lived between now and next March, the experience of your birthday and your goodbyes, as well as the experience of your 10 years of depression. It will wipe out all your memory and all your emotions, it will wipe out the fact you struggled to carry on til your date and the fact that you feel sad to be going. All of it just gets wiped. As if it never happened at all. That is what death really is. The dream you've been dreaming will be over. So in order to be at peace now, and for the next few months, you need to fully understand the nature of death, that it will take you and all your experiences away so completely it is like nothing ever happened. The same will be the case whether you accidentally get killed tomorrow or if you miraculously become cured of depression, cancel your ctb plans, and live to be 100. Death is an arbitrary stopping point. The only hard thing about it and what makes it different for the suicidal person compared to people facing death not at their own hands is overcoming survival instinct and fear of pain to inflict enough damage on our bodies in order to make it happen at a time of our choosing. I find inordinate comfort in this.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

What you need to understand if you want to deal with this is that death means none of anything you've written matters one bit. Death is so final and so total it will wipe away the experience of having lived between now and next March, the experience of your birthday and your goodbyes, as well as the experience of your 10 years of depression. It will wipe out all your memory and all your emotions, it will wipe out the fact you struggled to carry on til your date and the fact that you feel sad to be going. All of it just gets wiped. As if it never happened at all. That is what death really is. The dream you've been dreaming will be over. So in order to be at peace now, and for the next few months, you need to fully understand the nature of death, that it will take you and all your experiences away so completely it is like nothing ever happened. The same will be the case whether you accidentally get killed tomorrow or if you miraculously become cured of depression, cancel your ctb plans, and live to be 100. Death is an arbitrary stopping point. The only hard thing about it and what makes it different for the suicidal person compared to people facing death not at their own hands is overcoming survival instinct and fear of pain to inflict enough damage on our bodies in order to make it happen at a time of our choosing. I find inordinate comfort in this.

I hope you're right about the nature of death my friend, cannot imagine justify and make sense of what i went trough in an afterlife.
What you writte is beautiful to me, that everything will be erased and nothing will ever be. I feel like my life has been so dark and agonious that this perspective of this empty thing where nothing is there, total white, reassures me a lot.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I think I set my final CTB date (march 2025). I want to celebrate my birthday once more, say goodbye to everyone and then take the bus. But it gives me mixed feelings. On one hand I don't know how I can take it that long, but on the other hand it makes me sad that my life won't get any better (which I am also sure of, since I am depressed for over 10 years now).
How do I deal with this?

How do you deal with the waiting? I'd say start working out. Take some long walks; do some lifting weights in the gym. Eat some good food. Enjoy whatever hobbies you can and that bring you peace.

I also really would recommend delaying ctb if you haven't tried proper nutrition and exercise for a couple months. I don't know your situation, but it can solve 90% of issues, imo.

If you're set on it, well, I've felt near the edge for a long time now. Knowing that moment is coming allows you to savor the small moments a lot more. The feeling of the sun on your skin feels incredible. Foods are more delicious. Savor whatever good you can find in your life. It doesn't have to be big. Even just smells, being able to see. Just having deep moments of gratitude for them and calm you. Might as well enjoy the last bits, as much as can be.