What you need to understand if you want to deal with this is that death means none of anything you've written matters one bit. Death is so final and so total it will wipe away the experience of having lived between now and next March, the experience of your birthday and your goodbyes, as well as the experience of your 10 years of depression. It will wipe out all your memory and all your emotions, it will wipe out the fact you struggled to carry on til your date and the fact that you feel sad to be going. All of it just gets wiped. As if it never happened at all. That is what death really is. The dream you've been dreaming will be over. So in order to be at peace now, and for the next few months, you need to fully understand the nature of death, that it will take you and all your experiences away so completely it is like nothing ever happened. The same will be the case whether you accidentally get killed tomorrow or if you miraculously become cured of depression, cancel your ctb plans, and live to be 100. Death is an arbitrary stopping point. The only hard thing about it and what makes it different for the suicidal person compared to people facing death not at their own hands is overcoming survival instinct and fear of pain to inflict enough damage on our bodies in order to make it happen at a time of our choosing. I find inordinate comfort in this.
