Dawn0071111
Hungry Ghost
- Dec 9, 2018
- 570
Why the fuck is it that when I get everything I need to CTB, all of a sudden my symptoms want to dissapear? I'm like " oh hello brain NOW you want to start giving me postiive thoughts and emotions? WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU LAST SUMMER YOU ASSHOLE??" Is this a fucking joke? Dude. I am now purposely sabotaging myself to stay sick and no matter that I do.... I'm so angry. I DO NOT want to live. I hate it here. But I keep thinking maybe I am throwing it all away without giving it one more go. Maybe my true love is right around the corner. Maybe the thing I have wanted in life could come but Im being too rash. Its all bullshit. I hate my mind.
I very well be one of the very few who have what could truly be called a "senseless" suicide. I'm not depressed anymore. I still have PTSD, but my symptoms have subsided. What I do still have is a shit ton, of humiliation, bitterness, anger, sadness...AND all I keep thinking about is all the worl I'll have to put in. Being 40 and homeless after my divorce. How I have nothing. Only a high school diploma, criminal record, overweight, insecure. What can I really look forward to without wanting to put in the relentless work and effort? I truly am a walking bag of character defects. I really am a child. I am really here.... Out of the fog. The tsunami of insanity has passed. I have everything as my disposal for recovery. And because of my relentless desire for INSTANT GRATIFICATION, never developed PATIENCE, never learned how to stay CONSISTENT and stick with anything even when it gets tough.... Here I am with still the same thing I have always run from. Now my greatest fear has come true. I'm 40 and a failure and loser. Too proud to start learning pre-school basics. I find myself forcing myself into a bad mood, talking myself into suicidal thoughts. Isnt that cazy yall? I mean there are peopel on here who are really suffering from physical illness... And here I am..... A first world exsistential freak of nature...... The only thing that is taking me to the grave is pride. The only sheild I have had to protect me from the cruelty of this world. And I am not giving that up now. No tolernace for change or the unknown. I keep telling myself, you cando this, you can do this. "Just chug the SN , and before you know it you will be gone..." I imagine things will fade to black with tears in my eyes for the future I hoped for. But was so petty it was bullshit. Lose weight, and try and go out there to find true love. Why even bother? I feel I should only stay if I wanted to GIVE something to the WORLD. .. You know "gifts" and all that shit. Like if I wanted to open on orphange. But Im so selfish The only thing that holds me back is expriencing love. Maybe it is better to go without it. I dont know what to do. I'm really pissed. My cut off Date is the middlle of October about 3 weeks.
I very well be one of the very few who have what could truly be called a "senseless" suicide. I'm not depressed anymore. I still have PTSD, but my symptoms have subsided. What I do still have is a shit ton, of humiliation, bitterness, anger, sadness...AND all I keep thinking about is all the worl I'll have to put in. Being 40 and homeless after my divorce. How I have nothing. Only a high school diploma, criminal record, overweight, insecure. What can I really look forward to without wanting to put in the relentless work and effort? I truly am a walking bag of character defects. I really am a child. I am really here.... Out of the fog. The tsunami of insanity has passed. I have everything as my disposal for recovery. And because of my relentless desire for INSTANT GRATIFICATION, never developed PATIENCE, never learned how to stay CONSISTENT and stick with anything even when it gets tough.... Here I am with still the same thing I have always run from. Now my greatest fear has come true. I'm 40 and a failure and loser. Too proud to start learning pre-school basics. I find myself forcing myself into a bad mood, talking myself into suicidal thoughts. Isnt that cazy yall? I mean there are peopel on here who are really suffering from physical illness... And here I am..... A first world exsistential freak of nature...... The only thing that is taking me to the grave is pride. The only sheild I have had to protect me from the cruelty of this world. And I am not giving that up now. No tolernace for change or the unknown. I keep telling myself, you cando this, you can do this. "Just chug the SN , and before you know it you will be gone..." I imagine things will fade to black with tears in my eyes for the future I hoped for. But was so petty it was bullshit. Lose weight, and try and go out there to find true love. Why even bother? I feel I should only stay if I wanted to GIVE something to the WORLD. .. You know "gifts" and all that shit. Like if I wanted to open on orphange. But Im so selfish The only thing that holds me back is expriencing love. Maybe it is better to go without it. I dont know what to do. I'm really pissed. My cut off Date is the middlle of October about 3 weeks.
