Venting Separated from my favorite person and I can't handle being on my own again.

[Namelesa]

Sorry I have gotten upset now from looking at something my best friend made for me and now I am crying and miss him. I miss him so much. I feel so lonely now and want to die. Cus of his mum hating me and putting pressure on him to not interact with me, we have to now keep that we are still in contact with each other hidden but he has difficulty lying so to put less pressure on him and allow him to more easily lie, I don't start any contact and he is the one that starts it. However we now hardly talking to each other.

We first was able to see each other physically but cus of stuff that happened in our relationship which upset him, the mum first had him not be able to see me physically but was still able to call him. Now she has put more pressure on him to not interact with me. I feel like a failure. This is my fault that this has happened cus of me not being able to handle my painful emotions alone. He now has to deal with his horrible mum more.

I hate his mum so much for being abusive and neglectful towards him. She is genuinely the worst person I have known for procreating then not meeting the obligations of a good parent and instead hurt and traumatize him. Honestly if he ordered me to torture her, I would do so as she deserves to be punished for what she has done to him.

He was my favorite person to be around. I loved when we spent time with each other. He was so autistic about his interests and I loved listening to him info dump about it and share stuff about it to me. I liked comforting him when he was upset and supporting him through whatever he went through. He was funny and we were able to have a lot of laughs with each other. He gave the best hugs ever and it was so calm and content cuddling with him for long periods of time. Despite not being able to handle when I was upset, he did want to help me and was understanding and empathetic. I liked when we could play games together. I loved the art he made and when he played his guitar. I love him so much. I want him.

I also see him as my child sometimes as I often was his caregiver when he age regressed. I loved looking after him like a mother would. I miss doing basics tasks for him like feeding him and helping him drink or changing his clothes or guiding him to the toilet. I liked to entertain him with plushies or things like peak-a-boo or with baby/child-like activities such as colouring books and baby shows. I want to hold him, cradle him, cuddle him and singing him lullabies to comfort him again. I want to say to him how much I love him as his mum and for him to respond back to me. I feel like I have been separated from my child. The thing that I looked at that made me cry was a card he made for me when he was age regressed.

He still cares about me deeply despite everything that has happened and cus of that I felt like we were never going to leave each other but now due to this pressure put on him by his mum its caused us to be separated even more. I don't know I am supposed to cope with this now.

What do I do? Should I try to see if I can find someone new to replace what he provided for me before this restriction put on him or to wait this out and see if I am able to. I am scared of creating a close connection to someone new cus of my fear of abandonment and I feel like I would be abandoning him if I did that but I can't handle being on my own now. I just want to die but I can't access any effective methods so I have to find some way to cope but I lack options cus of my entrapment.

 

[Ilovetoomuch]

Hey, Im really sorry for what u are going through.. I had a person who I loved talking to and was most probably is my favorite person to this day but they disappeared from my life and its been 3 years since I last saw them.. Everything was instant the chemistry the bond EVERYTHING.. We loved talking to each other but We moved to somewhere else in our country and never got to talk to him again.. And I cry almost every month remembering them and the worst part is that I didn't have any of there socials.... I just pray for them that they we were sharing those beautiful moments back then. And yeah I cope by trying to search for them every worse in a while and by crying and remembering them lol... But I've lost all hope that I'll meet them ever again but yeah life goes on

U said that u both are still in contact with eachother a bit so that's fine too... Idk why their mom is such a Bitch. And I'm sorry for that

And second you said that you have the chance to make that deep authentic connection with someone else but u fear abandonment.Im very scared of abandonment too cause I get obsessed and love and care for people so deeply that when they leave me I go in a very prolonged depressed state. I have been lacking a deep authentic genuine connection for about 3 years I must say now . So yeah, u never know when things take a turn.. U might find someone u can feel good about again... And let the bad time pass

**If u wanna make friends**
Here is my email [email protected]
U can message me and we can work out our socials there and ill love to chat.

Sending hugs ur way lol. Btw sorry if I said something wrong cause I have learning disabilities and my brain is always fogged

Here's a cool vid that can chear u up

 

[Redacted24]

It's a terrible situation, for both of you. I'm so very sorry you both are dealing with that, and that it's due to external forces rather than your own, independent will.

I'm always amazed at how people, well intentioned or not, think that they can make decisions on what is best for us. Worst is when they force their decisions, without even considering the basic right of self determination.

It seems to me that there is no replacing someone that special to you. I'm still carrying around relationships that ended last millennium. They will never be replaced, even though there's no possibility to see them again.

And, honestly, I wouldn't want to try. The moments we had were so wonderful and heartfelt, I'd never want to lose those.

But, it's also important, I think, to have others in your life as well. Maybe they will never get into the innermost heart, but there's room in some of the outer areas for others to care for you, and for you to feel cared about and special. That's important too.

I'm not suggesting moving on, rather it's more like broadening the base, like a pyramid. Your closest friend is the apex... then there should be a few a tier lower... and then a bunch more that are a bit lower still. And how much you admit them into your heart, or just let them touch the surface, well that's up to you.

Maybe in time things could change unexpectedly, and the barriers to your happiness roll away. It's possible, even if you can't see it now.
Don't close doors prematurely...

 

[Namelesa]

Thank you <3

But, it's also important, I think, to have others in your life as well. Maybe they will never get into the innermost heart, but there's room in some of the outer areas for others to care for you, and for you to feel cared about and special. That's important too.

I'm not suggesting moving on, rather it's more like broadening the base, like a pyramid. Your closest friend is the apex... then there should be a few a tier lower... and then a bunch more that are a bit lower still. And how much you admit them into your heart, or just let them touch the surface, well that's up to you.

Maybe in time things could change unexpectedly, and the barriers to your happiness roll away. It's possible, even if you can't see it now.
Don't close doors prematurely...

Only problem I have with trying to find and rely on others is that I have to spread out more of my effort across multiple people which means being less able to provide them value so they may more think to discard me. This males me more anxious about having more connections. I also often get really attached to one person at a time and I fear that my attachment will fully switch from him to someone else and I feel like doing that would abandon and betray him. Also what if the person I switch attachments to the leaves me? Then I would end up with having literally no one but I feel like I need to have a close connection like the one I had with him to even have the ability to cope. I feel like whatever I choose I am going to get hurt and/or disappoint someone else in some way.

 

[Redacted24]

You are correct, relationships are difficult because they require balancing, not only with each other but with other things like your own needs, other commitments like school or work, and they all compete for time and attention.

It's a bit like rock climbing: you want to stay anchored to the cliff side, but in order to move up or down you have to let go with some part, hand or foot, to establish a handhold higher up from which you can ascend further.

Sure, there's a risk that when you shift your weight to the next place, it might crumble and you could fall. But your other two anchors...and and safety elements, like ropes, are there.

So in relationships, yes you're invested in one primary one. But it's helpful and good to have others (friends, bowling buddies, whatever) that are there in case things get dicey.

That's the pyramid idea. It's more stable in the long term.