Sent a message to him

[painoflife]

Not sure what forum this should come under really but I got really worked up tonight and decided after 10 years of having a miserable life I wanted to let my rapist know just how much he changed my life.
I probably shouldn't have sent it to him but it's too late now.

"The last time I saw you I came to your flat, I had never been to that one before and had never met your flatmates. I was lonely and wanted to see you for company, nothing more.
I arrived and you made me something to eat then we went and watched the TV in your room, listened to some music and then I started getting tired. I can't remember how late it was but we ended up deciding I could stay at yours because it was December so it was cold outside and had been snowing.
We both started falling asleep in your bed and then you started to try and touch me. You were persistent despite me making it clear that it wasn't what I wanted. I remember I kept pushing your hand away from me but it just kept reappearing on my body. You weren't taking no for an answer.
I remember that you had blue bedding because that is all I could see when I was led on my stomach with you on top of me. I never wanted that, I just wanted and needed a friend that night but you had other plans. Afterwards I got up and ran to your bathroom, one of your flatmates was in there so I waited half dressed outside the door. It seemed like a better option for me to go through the embarrassment of a stranger seeing me like that than to go back and wait in the bedroom with you. When they came out I quickly rushed inside and then sat there crying, trying to understand what had just happened and why. I had no option but to come back to the bedroom and you were just laid in bed like nothing had happened. I pretended to sleep for as long as I could manage before I eventually saw it was light outside and I got up and left. I can't remember whether you even woke up.
It was snowing, my favourite weather, so I walked for a while and ended up in the Botanic Gardens. I sat there for a long time just thinking about what happened. Then I got the bus home and researched the morning after pill. I didn't know whether you had bothered to use protection and there was no way I could take any risks. I had the embarrassment of walking to a pharmacy and having to ask whether I could get it, I could see all the older people giving me disapproving looks. I then had an embarrassing bombardment of questions before finally getting what I needed and being able to leave.
I don't know if you realise what you did that night or how much it has affected my life. Since that day I can't remember a time when I have felt truly happy, I can't remember a day when I didn't wish that I was dead so I don't have to live with this hanging over me and see the flashbacks of it happening.
I have never enjoyed snow since. Something which sounds so silly to you I guess, but to me was something which always provided me with pure innocent memories of playing as a child. Now I have the memories of sitting in the gardens in the snow, crying without a single person caring.
You won't be able to understand how I feel, the regret that I came over and trusted you. The feeling of shame the next day and everyday since. How frightened I am around people alone now, even if I know them or should trust them it's not something I am comfortable with anymore. I can't stand people touching me, even something as innocent as shaking somebody's hand fills me with dread. I can't explain the daily torment I have had for years now, and it's something I can't see myself ever getting over.
My life has changed and I can't ever go back to being the person I was before, life is too difficult for me now."

 

[MichiyoCornell]

This is fucking heartbreaking and I'm so angry you had to go through this. I wish I could do more as I know words are hollow. Thank you for sharing this. Do you think it helped it any way at all to send this?

 

[painoflife]

Certainly did not help, well it did for about 4 minutes until he replied asking when we slept together as he can't remember it. Feel even worse now knowing something which has altered my whole life is so insignificant to the person who did it

 

[wendydong1]

Certainly did not help, well it did for about 4 minutes until he replied asking when we slept together as he can't remember it. Feel even worse now knowing something which has altered my whole life is so insignificant to the person who did it

i feel you. i also had a guy, never raped me, but felt like a rape of my emotions and finances.. my life went from carefree, sheltered from any evil or evil persons, to dark dark dark.. and this change so altered my whole life is so insignificant to that person. Moreoever, that person is now living a so much better life because of my trauma that I would never recover from

 

[painoflife]

i feel you. i also had a guy, never raped me, but felt like a rape of my emotions and finances.. my life went from carefree, sheltered from any evil or evil persons, to dark dark dark.. and this change so altered my whole life is so insignificant to that person. Moreoever, that person is now living a so much better life because of my trauma that I would never recover from

Sorry this happened to you, that sounds like such a horrible thing to go through. I just hate the injustice of it, not legally but just being a decent human to others

 

[Empty Smile]

BILLIONS OF HUGS FOR YOU...

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

[wendydong1]

Sorry this happened to you, that sounds like such a horrible thing to go through. I just hate the injustice of it, not legally but just being a decent human to others

Yes, the injustice is so hard to fight.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Its horrible the trauma humans are able to inflict on one another..... I'm so sorry you were robbed....... And that that tragedy led you to a place like this... not that SS is bad, its a wonderful safe space...but considering that we have been traumatized, harmed and hurt so bad that we consider ending it all.. oh dear sister, I send you healing energy..... I know how painful those wounds can be.... Feel free to reach out any time.... I'm so glad you had the courage to write that out....

 

[Fedrea]

Not sure what forum this should come under really but I got really worked up tonight and decided after 10 years of having a miserable life I wanted to let my rapist know just how much he changed my life.
I probably shouldn't have sent it to him but it's too late now.

"The last time I saw you I came to your flat, I had never been to that one before and had never met your flatmates. I was lonely and wanted to see you for company, nothing more.
I arrived and you made me something to eat then we went and watched the TV in your room, listened to some music and then I started getting tired. I can't remember how late it was but we ended up deciding I could stay at yours because it was December so it was cold outside and had been snowing.
We both started falling asleep in your bed and then you started to try and touch me. You were persistent despite me making it clear that it wasn't what I wanted. I remember I kept pushing your hand away from me but it just kept reappearing on my body. You weren't taking no for an answer.
I remember that you had blue bedding because that is all I could see when I was led on my stomach with you on top of me. I never wanted that, I just wanted and needed a friend that night but you had other plans. Afterwards I got up and ran to your bathroom, one of your flatmates was in there so I waited half dressed outside the door. It seemed like a better option for me to go through the embarrassment of a stranger seeing me like that than to go back and wait in the bedroom with you. When they came out I quickly rushed inside and then sat there crying, trying to understand what had just happened and why. I had no option but to come back to the bedroom and you were just laid in bed like nothing had happened. I pretended to sleep for as long as I could manage before I eventually saw it was light outside and I got up and left. I can't remember whether you even woke up.
It was snowing, my favourite weather, so I walked for a while and ended up in the Botanic Gardens. I sat there for a long time just thinking about what happened. Then I got the bus home and researched the morning after pill. I didn't know whether you had bothered to use protection and there was no way I could take any risks. I had the embarrassment of walking to a pharmacy and having to ask whether I could get it, I could see all the older people giving me disapproving looks. I then had an embarrassing bombardment of questions before finally getting what I needed and being able to leave.
I don't know if you realise what you did that night or how much it has affected my life. Since that day I can't remember a time when I have felt truly happy, I can't remember a day when I didn't wish that I was dead so I don't have to live with this hanging over me and see the flashbacks of it happening.
I have never enjoyed snow since. Something which sounds so silly to you I guess, but to me was something which always provided me with pure innocent memories of playing as a child. Now I have the memories of sitting in the gardens in the snow, crying without a single person caring.
You won't be able to understand how I feel, the regret that I came over and trusted you. The feeling of shame the next day and everyday since. How frightened I am around people alone now, even if I know them or should trust them it's not something I am comfortable with anymore. I can't stand people touching me, even something as innocent as shaking somebody's hand fills me with dread. I can't explain the daily torment I have had for years now, and it's something I can't see myself ever getting over.
My life has changed and I can't ever go back to being the person I was before, life is too difficult for me now."

This made me so angry for you

 

[emie_]

You're so brave for doing this. I completely understand what you're going through. It happened twice to me, the second time being just a few months ago. But I can say for sure that my life is ruined. I've been obsessively trying to find my rapist on social media. I don't know why. Some part of me wants to physically hurt him back, even though I know that I wouldn't be capable of doing this. Another part of me wants to leave him a message, tell him about the pain he caused me when we were together, and the fact that he destroyed everything. He destroyed me, and destroyed my hope for a life whatsoever, after he raped me. I want to tell him that he is the one who killed me. He's never going to prison, so maybe the guilt could at least hurt him just a tiny bit. But I doubt he'll feel anything.

 

[Epsilon0]

Hello @painoflife

I admire you for your strength and for sending the person who ruined your life such a calm and beautiful letter. That bastard doesn't deserve it, but I understand the letter is about you and you wrote it for you.

The feeling of shame the next day and everyday since.

I am sure you know this, but please allow me to say: It's not your fault @painoflife ,you did nothing wrong. You do not deserve to feel shame. You are innocent.

Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[painoflife]

Thanks for all the replies and support.

maybe the guilt could at least hurt him just a tiny bit

I think you are justified to want this, I know that I probably wanted him to feel a little but guilty at least. It backfired and made things worse though as he couldn't have seemed more casual about the whole thing. If you do something like I did and manage to send a letter or something then just be prepared for not getting the response you would expect, it can have bad consequences and make you feel worse. Have you managed to talk about it with anyone? Get any help at all? (Not that I know what could actually help).

you did nothing wrong

It feels like I did everything wrong, I misjudged his character and put myself in that situation. He proceeded to tell me "you always had mental health problems though so are you sure this happened", which is wrong on many levels and just makes me believe that he really thinks everything was fine on his part so the problem is me. Yes I had slight mental health issues before this, but not even bad enough to be given medication or anything so if he thought I was so fucked up then why did he have a relationship with me, break up with me then stay friends and rape me? Does he think I imagined or made up the whole incident and then let it ruin my life for this long? (I don't mean that to sound like I am attacking you, it's just the questions in my head)

He continued to message me for a couple of days after I sent this too despite me telling him not to do so because he was just making things worse with what he was saying.

I don't know how to live anymore, I see no enjoyment in anything and just want to die but don't seem brave enough to take the final step. Maybe I should have let him carry on messaging me and that might have given me the push I needed.

 

[emie_]

I think you are justified to want this, I know that I probably wanted him to feel a little but guilty at least. It backfired and made things worse though as he couldn't have seemed more casual about the whole thing. If you do something like I did and manage to send a letter or something then just be prepared for not getting the response you would expect, it can have bad consequences and make you feel worse. Have you managed to talk about it with anyone? Get any help at all? (Not that I know what could actually help).

Mine was actually an abusive ex boyfriend who I hadn't seen in 4 years. He made a twitter account just to ask to meet me and threatened me with something quite serious; I agreed to see him, but I could have never imagined that he would do something like that even after the abuse he made me go through. I shouldn't have met up with him. Especially not alone. I understand the guilt you're going through and specifically the shame of putting one's self in "that situation". but its not yout fault. it's not my fault. It's on them, and only them.

About the reaction he'll have in case I find him and send him a message... I honestly dont know. The thing is, after he was done, he fucking apologized. Then he messaged me asking me if I'm okay, apologising more. But that doesn't mean anything. When we used to date, he'd go from being the nicest person ever to pushing me over the wall and beating me for the smallest of things. I dont know if he'll deny it, if he'll say that i "wanted it". I have evidence that he was obviously violent, I photographed all of the bruises he left on my face and my body in case he ever tries to deny anything. I just dont know what to do. I honestly dont know either if I have the guts to send him anything in the first place. I'm terrified of him.

I have told some of my friends. But yeah, beyond a few supportive words, as you said, there's nothing they can really do. I also told my mom. But we dont talk about it. My friends know I'm suicidal and they tried to help with that too, but tbh I think it's too much for them to handle, which is fine. For example my friends promised they would take me to get an std test (since I dont drive) and help me with finding a proper therapist, but... they didnt do either. Again, it's fine, it's not their responsibility and I understand that it might be too emotionally heavy for them to help me. I just know I cant help myself. Life is incredibly unbearable, and I'm planning on ending it all soon.

Meanwhile, if you ever need to talk to someone who went through something similar about anything at all, I'm here ❤

 

[Fedrea]

Thanks for all the replies and support.


I think you are justified to want this, I know that I probably wanted him to feel a little but guilty at least. It backfired and made things worse though as he couldn't have seemed more casual about the whole thing. If you do something like I did and manage to send a letter or something then just be prepared for not getting the response you would expect, it can have bad consequences and make you feel worse. Have you managed to talk about it with anyone? Get any help at all? (Not that I know what could actually help).


It feels like I did everything wrong, I misjudged his character and put myself in that situation. He proceeded to tell me "you always had mental health problems though so are you sure this happened", which is wrong on many levels and just makes me believe that he really thinks everything was fine on his part so the problem is me. Yes I had slight mental health issues before this, but not even bad enough to be given medication or anything so if he thought I was so fucked up then why did he have a relationship with me, break up with me then stay friends and rape me? Does he think I imagined or made up the whole incident and then let it ruin my life for this long? (I don't mean that to sound like I am attacking you, it's just the questions in my head)

He continued to message me for a couple of days after I sent this too despite me telling him not to do so because he was just making things worse with what he was saying.

I don't know how to live anymore, I see no enjoyment in anything and just want to die but don't seem brave enough to take the final step. Maybe I should have let him carry on messaging me and that might have given me the push I needed.

You bear NO responsibility for what happened. He is the one who should feel pain and if he doesn't it's only cos he's a bad person

 

[SpottedPanda]

Well done on putting your feelings into such eloquent, powerful words. That must have taken guts

 

[painoflife]

I honestly dont know either if I have the guts to send him anything in the first place. I'm terrified of him.

If you don't think it will help you, or have a positive impact then my advice would be to wait because the last thing you need is to feel any worse about the situation. There is no rush and you have to feel comfortable with taking any action. I have to admit that it was a last ditch effort to give me some kind of relief from all the thoughts in my head, it didn't help me but at that moment I was at a point where I believed there wasn't long left so what did I have to lose (turns out I could drown lower than I ever imagined into my own mind thoughts). You have been very brave telling friends and especially your mum, that must have taken so much courage and I hope it at least brought you relief that you weren't keeping it all to yourself. My belief is that people don't know how to talk about this stuff so that would be why they don't know what to do.

If you ever want to talk @emie_ please feel free to message me, can't promise to help but I can listen :)

 

[Deleted member 10475]

Proud of you I'm also a rape survivor. I thought about doing something similar last week, maybe look him up on FB and let my feelings out but decided against it. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

 

[emie_]

it didn't help me but at that moment I was at a point where I believed there wasn't long left so what did I have to lose (turns out I could drown lower than I ever imagined into my own mind thoughts)

I'm so sorry it didn't go the way you wanted to. You're still incredibly brave to have messaged him in the first place.
And yeah I don't think I will message him. As I said, he's a pretty volatile person and I don't know how he might retaliate. Thank you so much for your kind words.

If you ever want to talk @emie_ please feel free to message me, can't promise to help but I can listen :)

Same here. I'm here for you

 

[painoflife]

I told (well wrote down for) one person on the mental health team who I was seeing, she kept pressuring me saying she knew there was something I was holding back on and they couldn't help me unless they knew all the facts. I told her that I was scared it would define me if people knew so I didn't want anybody else to know because of that. She wrote it in my notes and now she has moved on to another area and I am stuck with that in my notes when I clearly said I didn't want that to happen. Everybody I see now refers to it as "the incident" so like if even they are scared to talk about it then how can they expect me to do so. I can't access CBT or counselling because I am too much of a risk so am on a 9 month waiting list to see a psychologist so they can direct me to appropriate services. I meet with a care coordinator every 2 weeks and he is lovely but its just like me proving I am still alive basically as there is nothing he can do. I feel like I am too messed up to get help, why should people who are considered a risk be told they have to wait a ridiculous amount of time before being able to access anything. I don't even know how to tell my care coordinator how close I am to the edge because I wouldn't want to be stopped.

 

[emie_]

I told (well wrote down for) one person on the mental health team who I was seeing, she kept pressuring me saying she knew there was something I was holding back on and they couldn't help me unless they knew all the facts. I told her that I was scared it would define me if people knew so I didn't want anybody else to know because of that. She wrote it in my notes and now she has moved on to another area and I am stuck with that in my notes when I clearly said I didn't want that to happen. Everybody I see now refers to it as "the incident" so like if even they are scared to talk about it then how can they expect me to do so. I can't access CBT or counselling because I am too much of a risk so am on a 9 month waiting list to see a psychologist so they can direct me to appropriate services. I meet with a care coordinator every 2 weeks and he is lovely but its just like me proving I am still alive basically as there is nothing he can do. I feel like I am too messed up to get help, why should people who are considered a risk be told they have to wait a ridiculous amount of time before being able to access anything. I don't even know how to tell my care coordinator how close I am to the edge because I wouldn't want to be stopped.

Oh my god, this is horrendous. Mental healthcare is honestly a joke. I'm so sorry. This is exactly why I am wary of going to therapists, it's extremely difficult for me to trust people, let alone trust them with my most traumatic experiences. If only better services were provided for people like us, maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't be pushed to considering suicide. I am on the same boat as you. It seems like the only solution right now.

why should people who are considered a risk be told they have to wait a ridiculous amount of time before being able to access anything

This is absolutely ridiculous. I'm so sorry.

 

[painoflife]

I'm not trying to put anybody off seeking help, I am sure some mental health services are great and a lot of people get help and somewhat better.
I just know from my experience I got referred to them and had a 6 month wait to see a psychiatrist, which then got cancelled and added another 3 months on. Then after that got a care coordinator and put on this 9 month list for a pyschologist. In the meantime no other services will interact with me because I am too high risk and therefore i am just getting no help.

 

[Isittimetogonola]

Thanks for all the replies and support.


I think you are justified to want this, I know that I probably wanted him to feel a little but guilty at least. It backfired and made things worse though as he couldn't have seemed more casual about the whole thing. If you do something like I did and manage to send a letter or something then just be prepared for not getting the response you would expect, it can have bad consequences and make you feel worse. Have you managed to talk about it with anyone? Get any help at all? (Not that I know what could actually help).


It feels like I did everything wrong, I misjudged his character and put myself in that situation. He proceeded to tell me "you always had mental health problems though so are you sure this happened", which is wrong on many levels and just makes me believe that he really thinks everything was fine on his part so the problem is me. Yes I had slight mental health issues before this, but not even bad enough to be given medication or anything so if he thought I was so fucked up then why did he have a relationship with me, break up with me then stay friends and rape me? Does he think I imagined or made up the whole incident and then let it ruin my life for this long? (I don't mean that to sound like I am attacking you, it's just the questions in my head)

He continued to message me for a couple of days after I sent this too despite me telling him not to do so because he was just making things worse with what he was saying.

I don't know how to live anymore, I see no enjoyment in anything and just want to die but don't seem brave enough to take the final step. Maybe I should have let him carry on messaging me and that might have given me the push I needed.

I cant even begin to know your pain. As a man, this would never cross my mind. And, he remembers. Why would he make the gaslighting comment. If you want to destroy him, find his friends, mail them what he did. There will always be at least one who believes. He has done this before so they will believe. He will deny it of course but again, there will always be that one. My heart truly goes out to you and wish all the peace you so rightfully deserve.

 

[painoflife]

I cant even begin to know your pain. As a man, this would never cross my mind. And, he remembers. Why would he make the gaslighting comment. If you want to destroy him, find his friends, mail them what he did. There will always be at least one who believes. He has done this before so they will believe. He will deny it of course but again, there will always be that one. My heart truly goes out to you and wish all the peace you so rightfully deserve.

I don't even know if I would have the energy to try and get revenge like that, I would love to do it of course but then again I would worry too much about the people who didn't believe me rather than the ones who did so it wouldn't make me feel any better overall. I am so tired all the time, I just can't be bothered with any of it anymore but I suppose whether I do anything or not I will still be in my own head and can't escape.
I see photos of him on social media with his arm around somebody and wonder whether he is going to do it to them too and feel I should do something to prevent it but then it would take over my life even more and I would obsess about watching him. I don't want to be that person. I don't really want to be anything anymore.