I'm not really a regular on this forum. I come here on a daily basis and just spout whatever's on my mind. I don'really communicate with anybody. I'm not engaged at all. That means, I'm not very familiar with the entierty of this forum. If you mentioned something simiral somewhere else, I apologize.
Here'a my take. You say you want to leave, but can't. You experienced something you called "real" and your would, in short, want it to work, on an ideal level. Beyond the trashy trash you claim to be, as I claim to be, although for other reasons, ideals always get the best of me. I don't think you can control hope on a conscious level. It's a biological imperative, mother of all ideals, or dreams, wants, needs. It's synonym with life force. That thing that existed before your traumas tear it down. It still exists. It's not something you can erase, or control. It manifests in your inner life every day. Dreams and ideals are just another layer of reality. They are as real as they come. But sometimes we test their veracity by the fact if they actually happened in "real" life. And based on that, we assign value. If it didn't happen, then its false and not right. That's totally worong approach.
If you want to leave and stay, than just stay. Opposites sometimes are not opposites at all.
It sounds like you hate your forum persona, but you still kind of like it. And why wouldn't you? You are charming, witty, kind and funny on a grand level. Everybody here really appreciates you.
I'd say - stop putting so much significancy on what your time on here represents. Don't make it the opposite of some ideal. Merge the two. Make them coexist. They're not in conflict. Not in your case, cause what you bring on here is an image of a pretty solid, authentic, smart, honest and down to earth guy. You are the best. And you are still you. Don't let the omininous gloom of what these site, allegedly, symbolizes make you divide yourself.
You are "real" and genuine even in here. I can vouch for that.
Sorry if I'm rambling... maybe I'm missing the point entirely.. harmless speculation.. just don't want you gone :)
Needless to say, I'll respect your every decision.
Wish you luck!