BecomingTired
Lov3rBoy<3
- Feb 23, 2024
- 95
I always thought my suicidal tendencies was caused by my situation, that if I ever get a better standing in life I would be far more happy about life; I was so convinced by the people around me and myself telling me that I am only depressed because I was in a bad situation.
But why is it that I'm so depressed while my life seeming to be going upwards as I almost reach 19? I no longer have to live in a broken and severely abusive household soon, haven't been bullied in years, I earn my own money, I won't be considered homeless anymore, I'm well liked by people and used to be in a somewhat committed relationship. But I am so so fucking tired of everything and just want it all to end already, I'm just too abnormal to ever live happily even if I'm at the peak of life; I should've genuinely died that night.
I barely can hold it together anymore. I faked my personality with people irl to the point of me being unable to distinguish the real me, I keep thinking in ways I don't normally think even when I'm alone; it's suffocating, yet whenever I accidentally reveal my real autistic self I get reminded why I even hide it in the first place. I genuinely think I might be going insane, I been at this tug of war of going between emotionally detached to severely depressed for so long and there's not even a single coherent trigger to why it happens. I can't even process anymore whether the events in front of me is truly happening or not.
And life in general just doesn't seem worth it to me, I have no goals, no dreams, no purpose. Anything remotely related I ever expressed just been what I thought people would expect I'd dream of; every hobby/interest I've formed have been because I realised the people around me was interested in it. The only time I ever actually liked something from my own violation was watching crime shows, reading manga and playing games lmao, I'm such a fake person it genuinely hurts. I built this idealised person I never actually was to get trapped in the countless different people I created to interact with every "friends" or "acquaintance" I've made. I have no real bond or attachment to them at all but I have to keep up pretences to seem normal.
No-one truly likes me, I have no-one genuinely. Even now Ik no-one truly fucking cares what I had to say in this post because it isn't what people want out of me. I try to be myself more online but I still feel as though I'm somewhat in-character no matter how desperately I try to be "real", and end up just becoming another person again like irl, fitting in but feeling no pleasure at all.
I do have a few online friends I genuinely consider real friends that I feel like I express myself with but I just can't bring myself to discuss anything too major or deep with them about how I feel because I already know that I'm severely abnormal in every way possible in how I think, i view everything too differently from anyone and everyone to ever really open myself up to them fully, it's obvious they are gonna judge me and think I'm just making something out of nothing.
I just feel as though I'm missing bits that make some truly human in a literal and personal sense, i feel no real attachment to love or sex like others, I fail to comprehend others without having to hyper analyse how they behave, I am constantly tired no matter how I sleep, i pass out randomly whenever im alone, I easily feel sick, I dissociate to the point of barely telling reality at points in time, I start to hallucinate if I'm feeling too unwell, im such a fucking mess in every possible way; why does it even matter anymore.
I could easily point to the fact that the reason i am this way for a big part of my life I had no friends, severely bullied up to 14, my only parent despising me and abusing me while venting that I caused her life to be ruined as she raised me to only love my step siblings once she got together with my stepfather and my family was homeless with the only revenue we were getting was from benefits, etc but at the same time I already know that these issues existed ever since I was born, the environment just made it more obvious to me that I could never be normal. I could at best replicate it while feeling absolutely nothing inside.
Am I really just expected live out the rest of my life like this? I genuinely don't feel alive, in a way where I am an NPC or an extra with something controlling every action, decision and thought I ever made for it's own sick amusement.
Even now I'm typing this without being able to tell how I'm feeling. Just typing away my thoughts with not much emotion even though I was tearing up somewhat.
I'm can't even be sure if I will be able to bring myself to ctb on October 1st, I just don't want to exist. Why was I even born?
But why is it that I'm so depressed while my life seeming to be going upwards as I almost reach 19? I no longer have to live in a broken and severely abusive household soon, haven't been bullied in years, I earn my own money, I won't be considered homeless anymore, I'm well liked by people and used to be in a somewhat committed relationship. But I am so so fucking tired of everything and just want it all to end already, I'm just too abnormal to ever live happily even if I'm at the peak of life; I should've genuinely died that night.
I barely can hold it together anymore. I faked my personality with people irl to the point of me being unable to distinguish the real me, I keep thinking in ways I don't normally think even when I'm alone; it's suffocating, yet whenever I accidentally reveal my real autistic self I get reminded why I even hide it in the first place. I genuinely think I might be going insane, I been at this tug of war of going between emotionally detached to severely depressed for so long and there's not even a single coherent trigger to why it happens. I can't even process anymore whether the events in front of me is truly happening or not.
And life in general just doesn't seem worth it to me, I have no goals, no dreams, no purpose. Anything remotely related I ever expressed just been what I thought people would expect I'd dream of; every hobby/interest I've formed have been because I realised the people around me was interested in it. The only time I ever actually liked something from my own violation was watching crime shows, reading manga and playing games lmao, I'm such a fake person it genuinely hurts. I built this idealised person I never actually was to get trapped in the countless different people I created to interact with every "friends" or "acquaintance" I've made. I have no real bond or attachment to them at all but I have to keep up pretences to seem normal.
No-one truly likes me, I have no-one genuinely. Even now Ik no-one truly fucking cares what I had to say in this post because it isn't what people want out of me. I try to be myself more online but I still feel as though I'm somewhat in-character no matter how desperately I try to be "real", and end up just becoming another person again like irl, fitting in but feeling no pleasure at all.
I do have a few online friends I genuinely consider real friends that I feel like I express myself with but I just can't bring myself to discuss anything too major or deep with them about how I feel because I already know that I'm severely abnormal in every way possible in how I think, i view everything too differently from anyone and everyone to ever really open myself up to them fully, it's obvious they are gonna judge me and think I'm just making something out of nothing.
I just feel as though I'm missing bits that make some truly human in a literal and personal sense, i feel no real attachment to love or sex like others, I fail to comprehend others without having to hyper analyse how they behave, I am constantly tired no matter how I sleep, i pass out randomly whenever im alone, I easily feel sick, I dissociate to the point of barely telling reality at points in time, I start to hallucinate if I'm feeling too unwell, im such a fucking mess in every possible way; why does it even matter anymore.
I could easily point to the fact that the reason i am this way for a big part of my life I had no friends, severely bullied up to 14, my only parent despising me and abusing me while venting that I caused her life to be ruined as she raised me to only love my step siblings once she got together with my stepfather and my family was homeless with the only revenue we were getting was from benefits, etc but at the same time I already know that these issues existed ever since I was born, the environment just made it more obvious to me that I could never be normal. I could at best replicate it while feeling absolutely nothing inside.
Am I really just expected live out the rest of my life like this? I genuinely don't feel alive, in a way where I am an NPC or an extra with something controlling every action, decision and thought I ever made for it's own sick amusement.
Even now I'm typing this without being able to tell how I'm feeling. Just typing away my thoughts with not much emotion even though I was tearing up somewhat.
I'm can't even be sure if I will be able to bring myself to ctb on October 1st, I just don't want to exist. Why was I even born?
