J
justkatie
Member
- Aug 25, 2024
- 60
I hated myself as a child. Hated more than anything else.
I was so ugly and unpopular and awful at sports and art and the things all the "cool" kids were good at.
I was the nerdy, smart and ugly girl that everyone mocked and picked on.
This ideal continued into my teenage years and adulthood.
About ten years ago when I was 30 (and not long after my mother had died) I came to a major realisation in life. I'm not going to share it here as it's personal but it really helped me see me as a person.
The days of me hating everything about myself started to fade away and I realised that not only am I a decent person, that I deserve things that I've earned through hard work.
Sadly life didn't keep up with my newfound positivity and life kept on kicking me in the face as it has done my entire life.
So bizarrely this has made my want to ctb increase massively.
When I was full of self loathing and hatred I felt I deserved to suffer and I deserved a shit life of unhappiness as that was what I was worth. It didn't make me want to ctb as I wanted to suffer.
Coming to the conclusion that I am worth it and that I do deserve better but still being stuck in a dreadful life with no way out of it (please don't patronise me with tips, I've heard them all) has made me want to end it.
Im just tired of it all. Realising that I've deserved better my entire life and yet seeing life not caring (and nor should it, it's not a balancing act) about my rise in myself and adjusting accordingly, made me just give up.
It's so difficult knowing you are worth more but realising that nothing will every change and this is you for life.
I don't know how to get past this. My life isn't going to change without a miracle happening so this is what I've got to look forward to.
I was so ugly and unpopular and awful at sports and art and the things all the "cool" kids were good at.
I was the nerdy, smart and ugly girl that everyone mocked and picked on.
This ideal continued into my teenage years and adulthood.
About ten years ago when I was 30 (and not long after my mother had died) I came to a major realisation in life. I'm not going to share it here as it's personal but it really helped me see me as a person.
The days of me hating everything about myself started to fade away and I realised that not only am I a decent person, that I deserve things that I've earned through hard work.
Sadly life didn't keep up with my newfound positivity and life kept on kicking me in the face as it has done my entire life.
So bizarrely this has made my want to ctb increase massively.
When I was full of self loathing and hatred I felt I deserved to suffer and I deserved a shit life of unhappiness as that was what I was worth. It didn't make me want to ctb as I wanted to suffer.
Coming to the conclusion that I am worth it and that I do deserve better but still being stuck in a dreadful life with no way out of it (please don't patronise me with tips, I've heard them all) has made me want to end it.
Im just tired of it all. Realising that I've deserved better my entire life and yet seeing life not caring (and nor should it, it's not a balancing act) about my rise in myself and adjusting accordingly, made me just give up.
It's so difficult knowing you are worth more but realising that nothing will every change and this is you for life.
I don't know how to get past this. My life isn't going to change without a miracle happening so this is what I've got to look forward to.