Help Self-Reliant Recovery, Unemployed or Part-Time

[MoonBat]

As of last week, I told my partner that I have been planning to CTB since January, a few months before I finished my final semester at college. I don't find much joy in the working world and I'm someone who has a lot of love for my free time and freedoms— something a job would completely strip away from. I know, however, these two things can't exist separately since I need money to finance my life. I feel as my bank account dwindles, my time left before I make an advance on my attempt dwindles as well.

My partner, not wanting to lose me, broke down in my arms (which I feel awful about) and told me that I need to tell my parents or a therapist. I feel if I told my parents they would force me to get a therapist and I do not want a therapist because I believe they're addictive and create a system of reliance where they leech on your wallet. The therapists I've been to before don't help, they just drain my parents' money.

This said, I hated knowing I made my partner cry and I know deep down, I do have a love of life despite having a plan to end it. I was wondering for you in recovery, what are you doing by yourself to recover? Does anyone else feel like the only thing prolonging your life is just having freedom to actually live it? Getting a full time job is scaring me because of how much of my life it seems to take away from me. I'm hoping to at least try a part time job to see if I can ease into a lack of freedom as a method of either shutting off my brain or getting some money to support myself and my partner. I want to figure out how to help myself entirely on my own without being a burden on others or relying on spending what little money I have left.

 

[amnesia999]

I understand what you mean about working. I would much rather have my time to myself than have to go to my tedious job. Hopefully I can retire in the next 5-10 years, although I'll still need to work part time in order to pay for medical expenses.

(Rant: Today I attended a mandatory meeting where they were talking about "trauma-informed care" -- read: be nice to the upset customers who call you on the phone -- and a second pseudo-self-care bullshit term that I can't remember. The clue that it's bullshit is that no one outside of a business has ever heard of "trauma-informed care" before.)

(Edit: the second term was "compassionate de-escalation". Ugh.)

There is one good thing about my job, and that is that it has great medical benefits. I just found out the other day that the $20 per session I've been co-paying for my therapist should actually be zero per session. (And I love my therapist.) A couple of my prescriptions have no co-pay at all. This is because it's a state job where the take-home pay is generally worse than in the private sector, but the benefits (including retirement benefits) are way better. Try checking to see if any of the city/county/state jobs where you live (assuming you live in the US) work that way.

Finally, see if you can find a job that lets you work from home. Not having to deal with a daily commute is like getting a raise.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My partner, not wanting to lose me, broke down in my arms (which I feel awful about) and told me that I need to tell my parents or a therapist. I feel if I told my parents they would force me to get a therapist and I do not want a therapist because I believe they're addictive and create a system of reliance where they leech on your wallet. The therapists I've been to before don't help, they just drain my parents' money.

I don't think a therapist can really solve your issue here and I kinda relate to your situation. As you've just finished college a few months ago I'm probably more than double your age.

I agree that spending your life-time only to work and barely survive isn't very appealing but we have to do at least sth. You should find sth what you like to do, what interests you. This would make "work" somewhat easier. Start part-time. You can always quit but you've tried it!

I was wondering for you in recovery, what are you doing by yourself to recover?

I did nothing, except, I literally stopped fighting against windmills (our situations are different). Compared to a year ago I'm not depressed anymore and hardly suicidal (ok, passive suicidal but that's ok, I have no prob with that). Life is on a low level, I'm not really happy with my situation but I can still live relatively well.

Does anyone else feel like the only thing prolonging your life is just having freedom to actually live it?

That was always and still is very important to me!

 

[MoonBat]

Finally, see if you can find a job that lets you work from home. Not having to deal with a daily commute is like getting a raise.

I've been considering it! I'll start small with part-times. It's glad to hear some things seem to roll into each other. Just a very demoralizing process I guess. Thank you for taking time to writing out. :)