Venting Self loathing getting worse

[bubbletea]

All I do is write hate notes to myself all day and try to make sense of what happened.

I just need to get domperidone prescribed and it'll be over.
Im the worst daughter

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

All I do is write hate notes to myself all day and try to make sense of what happened.

I just need to get domperidone prescribed and it'll be over.
Im the worst daughter

I feel ya. Especially when the self-loathing is reinforced culturally (you're the "wrong" kind of person...). The irony is they'll keep telling you over and over and over why you're a bad person, but the moment you repeat it yourself, then they jump down your throat for being too negative, "too doom and gloom." Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

[Iceangel]

I feel ya. Especially when the self-loathing is reinforced culturally (you're the "wrong" kind of person...). The irony is they'll keep telling you over and over and over why you're a bad person, but the moment you repeat it yourself, then they jump down your throat for being too negative, "too doom and gloom." Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Are you my spirit animal?

 

[bubbletea]

I feel ya. Especially when the self-loathing is reinforced culturally (you're the "wrong" kind of person...). The irony is they'll keep telling you over and over and over why you're a bad person, but the moment you repeat it yourself, then they jump down your throat for being too negative, "too doom and gloom." Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Yup.. i really do feel like im they're right though. I'm the wrong kind of person. If it were somekne else, they would have handled the same scenario differently. That's why I'm a shit person

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Yup.. i really do feel like im they're right though. I'm the wrong kind of person. If it were somekne else, they would have handled the same scenario differently. That's why I'm a shit person

What do you think it is about you that makes others handle situations you're involved in differently than they would handle similar situations others are involved in?

 

[bubbletea]

What do you think it is about you that makes others handle situations you're involved in differently than they would handle similar situations others are involved in?

Maybe if other people were in my situation they would handle it in a healthier way. They might think that what happened to me is wrong and decide not to do it to others. But I interpreted my parents' behavior as- if they're allowed to do this, so am I. Now I'm just a toxic person no one wants to be around and my parents will never understand me either even though I do the same things they do.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Maybe if other people were in my situation they would handle it in a healthier way. They might think that what happened to me is wrong and decide not to do it to others. But I interpreted my parents' behavior as- if they're allowed to do this, so am I. Now I'm just a toxic person no one wants to be around and my parents will never understand me either even though I do the same things they do.

I hope I'm not upsetting you by asking you to elaborate--and thanks for what you've shared so far. I find it helpful. What does it mean to you to be "a toxic person"? Do you think you hurt other people (more often or more deeply than most others do)? I hear that term used a lot but don't understand what it means precisely. Thanks, again.

 

[bubbletea]

I hope I'm not upsetting you by asking you to elaborate--and thanks for what you've shared so far. I find it helpful. What does it mean to you to be "a toxic person"? Do you think you hurt other people (more often or more deeply than most others do)? I hear that term used a lot but don't understand what it means precisely. Thanks, again.

Toxic person as in.. I'm very selfish and egocentric. I only want to hear what I want to hear and I get angry when I hear other opinions not aligned with mine. I only cam accept forms of love and affection that I defined myself. It's strange because I'm really empathetic but I can't be empathetic to my own family and friends.
I have damaging views about relationships that get me into negative pattern cycles.
I'm stubborn. I want everything to be handed to me on a silver platter. I belittle people less privileged than me in some way and get really jealous of people who are more privileged than I am. I can never ever be grateful for what I have. I am really entitled towards my parents and I have never helped them or repaid them when they have worked harder than anyone to give me what I have today.
People frequently leave me. At first I'm really fun to be around and it looks like I'm really chill and generous. But once I get comfortable with you I start getting really selfish and do things on purpose to piss you off and upset you. I don't know how to have a non-egocentric relationship. I can only talk about myself and I never listen to what the other person says.
I act like a child even though I'm 25. And I purposely tanked my studies in university because I wanted to stay a kid and avoid responsibilities longer.
I even physically abue my boyfriends and psychologically manipulate them to hurt them. I have really negative views about myself and then I think I'm the shit. I interpret love as "putting up with all my faults" so I push boundaries in every close relationship I have.
I don't want to put in much effort yet I want results better than anyone else's.

I love people but they all want to avoid me
And I hate myself like no one else
I think I'm a really toxic person.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@bubbletea I'm a lot like a child too. I don't feel like an adult.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Toxic person as in.. I'm very selfish and egocentric. I only want to hear what I want to hear and I get angry when I hear other opinions not aligned with mine. I only cam accept forms of love and affection that I defined myself. It's strange because I'm really empathetic but I can't be empathetic to my own family and friends.
I have damaging views about relationships that get me into negative pattern cycles.
I'm stubborn. I want everything to be handed to me on a silver platter. I belittle people less privileged than me in some way and get really jealous of people who are more privileged than I am. I can never ever be grateful for what I have. I am really entitled towards my parents and I have never helped them or repaid them when they have worked harder than anyone to give me what I have today.
People frequently leave me. At first I'm really fun to be around and it looks like I'm really chill and generous. But once I get comfortable with you I start getting really selfish and do things on purpose to piss you off and upset you. I don't know how to have a non-egocentric relationship. I can only talk about myself and I never listen to what the other person says.
I act like a child even though I'm 25. And I purposely tanked my studies in university because I wanted to stay a kid and avoid responsibilities longer.
I even physically abue my boyfriends and psychologically manipulate them to hurt them. I have really negative views about myself and then I think I'm the shit. I interpret love as "putting up with all my faults" so I push boundaries in every close relationship I have.
I don't want to put in much effort yet I want results better than anyone else's.

I love people but they all want to avoid me
And I hate myself like no one else
I think I'm a really toxic person.

Thank you for your honesty. Again, I'm just trying to understand better... Have you ever spoken with mental health professionals about any of this? Do you mind sharing what they had to say about it, if so? (Thanks...)