Venting Self Hatred

[S’mores Poptart]

Has anyone else really come to terms with the idea of death due to extreme self hatred? I've always been slightly on edge and suicidal but in my adulthood years, my self hate seems to really worsen everything. I can't make much eye contact in public, I dodge mirrors (and if I accidentally look I want to punch myself in the face somehow), I hate the sound of my own voice, I don't recognize myself or have a connection to photos of me. Whenever I try to do something to make myself feel less suicidal, my conscious keeps reminding me of how pathetic I am. Like even stupid things like going to get ice cream to cheer myself up. I end up grabbing my keys and on the way to the car I remind myself how stupid and childish that is, how lonely I am to go alone, how pathetic that would look, how I could get fat by it. And it's like that with everything. I graduated college recently and really need a job/ something to do to keep going. But I have no confidence and truly hate myself. It's like I hate this person and want them dead, but I am that person.